TODAY IN REVISIONIST SPORTS HISTORY

Twins starter Joe Niekro is ejected after being caught with a file on the mound. Niekro was unable to talk his way out of the ejection even after whittling the baseball into a complimentary likeness of the home plate umpire.

A Chicago jury brings a verdict of not guilty against eight White Sox players accused in the 1919 Black Sox scandal. However, outfielder Joe Jackson was held in contempt of court and briefly jailed for violating the judge's strict "no shoes, no shirt, no service" rule.

Diego Maradona announces his retirement from European and international soccer, although he would later make a comeback. Maradona decided to return when he discovered how tough it is to keep up a healthy cocaine addiction on a pension.

Cleveland sets an American League attendance record for a twi-night doubleheader with 65,934 fans. Cleveland residents flocked to the stadium after city officials announced it was the largest and safest public venue upwind of yet another Cuyuhoga River fire.

Alleged Russian crime boss Alimzan Tokhtakhounov is arrested in Italy on U.S. charges that he fixed figure skating results at the 2002 Winter Olympics. Tokhtakhounov's intense interest in figure skating had led to him running the Russian mafia's glitter racket and he was infamous for doling out punishment via jazz hands.

American George Schuster wins the first around-the-world automobile race four days after German Hans Koeppen finishes but is then disqualified when it is discovered he rode a train for part of the distance. It is later discovered that Schuster rode a boat for part of the distance across the Atlantic and Pacific oceans.

Due to a dislocated thumb caused by a collision at home plate trying to score in the first game of a doubleheader against the Braves, Padres' first baseman Steve Garvey's consecutive game streak ends at 1,207. It was later discovered that Garvey had actually dislocated his thumb inside a stripper.

Orioles outfielder Melvin Mora's wife, Gisel, delivers quintuplets, giving the couple six children. The Mora Family is now the subject of a Venezuelan TV show called "Melvin and Gisel Plus 6," in which viewers gradually grow to despise the family and wish them nothing but ill will, or at least lifelong careers with the Baltimore Orioles.

Emil Zatopek of Czechoslovakia wins the Olympic marathon to become the only man to sweep the 5,000 meters, 10,000 meters and marathon. Zatopek is also the only man in history to bleed dry out of his nipples.

At the Olympic Games in Antwerp, Belgium, 72-year-old Oscar Swahn of Sweden wins a silver medal in shooting, making him the oldest medalist in Olympic history. Sadly, Swahn was imprisoned days later for shooting some kids who wouldn't get off his lawn.