Filed Under » wnba

Women’s basketball players are using the 2011 Women’s Final Four as a platform to apologize for their existence and love of the sport.

“We apologize for even taking up your time to issue this statement,” said some female basketball player at a press conference, “because we know you want to see less of us, not more. But we just feel the need to apologize for being alive and for enjoying a sport that you also like. We can’t change it, but we hope it doesn’t ruin your life too much.”

The female basketball players say they plan to complete their tournament, but don’t want you to feel pressured to watch it or read about it.

They’ve done College Co-Eds. They’ve done Island Orgy. Same with Wet T-Shirt Strip-Off, Doggy Style, Dormroom Fantasies, and Finally 18. But finally, after 77 “GirlsGoneWild” editions, the DVD series will feature all of the hottest, hardest, sweatiest, moan-inducing fouls from the WNBA’s 13 years.

“This is the most aggressive, hardcore ‘GirlsGoneWild’ DVD yet,” said franchise founder Joe Francis. “Thesegirls hold nothing back and want to get it on with each other. We turned the cameras on and they wanted to go at it all night long.”

Francis also said the newWNBAedition features some of the most diversegirls ever included in a “GirlsGoneWild” DVD.

“There’s someone for everybody, every freakish fetish,” he said. “Tall ones. Skinny ones.Girlswho are all muscular. Jiggly, beefy ones. Even a few with mustaches. I can guarantee that there is at least one player on there that will make every guy want to whip out his balls and stroke it. And I mean that both as a euphemism for masturbation and because there is a lot of good, fundamentally-sound basketball shown that could motivate you to go out and play some hoops and practice your jumper. You know, after you’re done whacking it.”

The soft-port titan also claims that many of thegirlson the video are lesbians.

“And I’m not talking the kind that are in college and get drunk and kiss each other like on our other videos. Those aren’t real lesbians,” said Francis. “I’m talking real, 100-percent, hardcore ones that want to get married to other lesbians. I mean, usually I hate monogamy. But when we’re talking two chicks who are totally into each other forever? Oh yeah!”

WNBAcommissioner Donna Orender says she supports the release of the DVD.

“We are constantly looking for ways to expand our fanbase and I think this DVD will help do that,” said Orender. “Hockey and football have highlight DVDs of all of their hard hits, so this is our version. I don’t necessarily understand the decision to add a ‘70s bassline over the highlights, but my specialty isn’t video production. I just was told about some company wanting to feature ourgirlsin a highlight DVD and I signed off on it. After that, things were kind of out of my control.”

Even longtime critics of the “GirlsGoneWild” series have praise for the new WNBAedition.

“While this DVD still shows lots of skin of the arms and lower legs, it thankfully does not show full nudity,” said feminist writer Wendy Burkle. “This is positive news for all those who fight the continued exploitation of the female body. Coincidentally, it is also positive news for all those who are in favor of the continued exploitation of the female body because – let’s be honest here – there are very fewWNBAplayers that anyone wants to see naked, fouling one another or not. I hope this DVD doesn’t cause viewers to seek out more adult content to try to forget what they’ve seen.”