Another day of the Winter Olympics is in the books. Let’s see who medaled.
Bronze: People falling down
Monday night's pairs skating final was hilarious if you are a fan of people falling down. If Hollywood can just CGI in some of the competitors getting kicked in the crotch and/or farting, the entire broadcast will be rereleased as this summer's blockbuster comedy movie.
The concern, however, is: what are we teaching our youth? Is it fun to laugh at people falling down? To laugh at their lifelong dreams, their years of hard work and sacrifice, being crushed in an instant? Yes. Of course. But what about violence? Violence against women is wrong. Except, it seems, if you put a woman in some skates, dress her up in one of those "Toddlers & Tiaras" outfits and then throw her down on some ice. No one seems to have a problem with that. You might even get a medal!
Silver: "Thin Ice" on ABC
Have you become consumed by the artistry and athleticism that is figure skating? No? Well then avoid ABC in March because they will debut a reality show called "Thin Ice". The show will reportedly feature 12 figure skaters competing in various skating disciplines to win the votes of judges and the viewing public. Sounds plenty boring. Unless the thin ice part is literal. Who wouldn't watch a program that offers the chance to see Brian Boitano fall through the ice and into the mouth of a waiting shark?
Gold: Norway's pants
What you see above are the pants Norway's curling team is wearing in Olympic competition. Really. Now, let's not take sports out of their proper perspective, but you have to wonder if these guys are taking the Olympics, competition and representing their country seriously. I mean, they chose to dedicate their lives to curling. Curling. Haven't their parents been embarrassed enough already? And now these pants.
A study of American Olympians released today found that 98-percent find other countries' national anthems stupid. Two percent think they are just boring.
"U.S. Olympians by a huge margin dislike having to listen to the anthems of other nations," said Nancy Grazban, a USOC staffer who conducted the research. "In fact, they hate it, and many would rather pour boiling water directly into their eardrums than have to listen to any more of the pathetic dirges that supposedly honor these overseas craplands."
U.S. skiing star Lindsey Vonn said her intense dislike of foreign anthems drives he desire to succeed.
"Losing means you get subjected to the musical suck that is foreign anthems," she said. "I try to win simply because I don't want to have to fake reverence for some country's retarded ditty. Just more 'America the Beautiful' or whatever it is for me, thanks."
Speed skater Shani Davis said he is confused why other countries even have national anthems.
"I mean, what is it that they have to be so proud about anyway?" he asked. "Oooh you won some naval battle back in the 1700s against some other dumb little country nobody cares about anymore. What have you done for me lately? U-S-A, baby. U-S-A."
Bode Miller echoed Davis' sentiments.
"Until these other countries become as great as we are, I say they just keep their songs to themselves. They'd be better off just standing there silently and thinking about what they need to do to be like us. I can't tell you how much I wanted to jab a knife in my ears when I had to listen to the Russian anthem the other night. Oooh Russia! There's a really great friggin' country. Poverty rocks!"
"The anthem I hate the most is South Korea's," said Apolo Anton Ohno. "It's all da-da-da-dum-dum-dee-dum-dum. I'm standing there thinking: 'Seriously, you people couldn't come up with something better than this?' And the stupid Korean guy was tearing up. I guess because his anthem sucked so bad."
The first weekend of the Winter Olympics is in the books. Let’s see who medaled so far.
TerryFox is a Canadian hero who attempted to run across the country to raise money for cancer research. Michael J. Fox is a Canadian actor who has become an advocate for Parkinson’s disease research. Meredith Vieira is an American talk show host who doesn’t know what she’s talking about. And we don’t know the name of the Today show production intern who will be fired.
Canada beat Slovakia 18-0 in ice hockey on Saturday. They had 67 shots to Slovakia’s nine. Yikes. That’s an ass-kicking. But don’t feel bad for Slovakia. They had it coming. In 2008 they beat Bulgaria 82-0 in a tournament. Really. So if you want to feel bad for someone, make it Bulgaria. Because when it comes to hockey, they’re so stinky. (Fun Fact: the stotinki is a Bulgarian monetary unit. Now we’re learning! And punning!)
American Johnny Weir is a figure skater. And he likes to wear fur. Naturally. But he has received threats from anti-fur activists and, for his own safety, has decided to move from a Vancouver hotel to the Olympic Village where there is more security. But Weir isn’t backing down.
"I totally get the dirtiness of the fur industry and how terrible it is to animals. But it's not something that's the No. 1 priority in my life,” he said. "There are humans dying everyday … I tend to focus my energy, if there is a cause, on humans. While that may be callous and bad of me, it's my choice."
Ohhhhhhhhh, SNAP! Just wait until the fur people find out Weir kills the animals himself with a bedazzling gun.
In a stunning a result, the heretofore little regarded Red Sox Nation Bobsled Team placing a shocking third in the 4-Man Bobsled finals today in Vancouver, posting a time of 3:23:98 and capturing the bronze behind Sweden (gold) and Germany (silver).
Team captain Neil “Sully” O’McSullivan was ecstatic with the result.“This is fahhhh every fackin’ RED SAWX FAN BACK HOME!WE FACKIN’ LOVE YOU GUYS!YANKEES SACK!”
It was an upset for this Red Sox Nation Bobsled team to even make it Vancouver to begin with.The team’s qualifying trials for the Games were marred when fourth member of the crew Robert “Bawbby” O’Sheagerald was forced to withdraw from the team after saying that while he “hated the s—t” out of Derek Jeter, he really respected the way he played the game.
But O’Sheagerald’s replacement, Thomas “Tawmmy” O’Learyhan of Quincy, MA, proved more than a capable substitute, helping the team post a Red Sox Nation record time at qualifying trials and setting up the team’s miraculous Vancouver run.
Fans of the team were delighted.
“Whey-ah the fack ahhh we, Vancouvah?THIS TOWN BLOWS.It’s nawt cloudy enough!Real towns have clouds!” said fan Jack “Sully” FitzSullivan, one of many wearing the trendy pink Red Sox Nation Bobsled team hats around town.“But whatevah.This brawnze medal just proves that the fackin’ Red Sawx ahhhh the best baseball team in history, and that OW-AH FANS AHHHH THE ONLY TRUE FANS OUT THEY-AH!!!!”
The Red Sox Nation team outclassed more traditional outfits like Switzerland and Norway to capture 3rdplace in the finals, but their finish was not without controversy.Some have disputed the true nationality of the team’s runner, John “Thah Jawnstah!” McO’MacDonald, who was born in Philadelphia.
But McO’MacDonald defended himself to reporters.“I am no cahhpetbaggahhhhh!!!” he said, while dipping six tins of Kodiak simultaneously.“I may have been barn in Philly Nation.But my hahhhht has always been here-ah!THESE AHH MY PEOPLE!”
This is Red Sox Nation’s first-ever gold medal in the Winter Olympics.The country has long been known as a powerhouse in the Special Olympics, but this new bobsled triumph has them setting their sights a bit higher.
“This shows you can do anything if you hate the fackin’ Yankees enough,” said Sully.The first one.
(EDITOR'S NOTE: This column was written by a REAL CANADIAN. Seriously! I think he lives in Toronto, but that's probably exactly the same as Vancouver, right?)
If you’re like most Americans, you probably haven’t given winter sports much thought since the 2006 Winter Olympics. But with the 2010 Games set to get cranking in Vancouver, you’ll want to sound knowledgeable. Couple this cheat sheet with a Scandinavian accent and you’ll be golden! (Get it? Like a GOLD medal!)
>>> What the Heck is:
Skeleton: Like luge, but participants go down the track headfirst. This slightly alters the Doppler effect of the screaming human speeding by you at 80 mph.
Short track speed skating: Basically, roller derby on ice, only less orderly and with many, many, many more Koreans.
Curling: Competitors slide “stones” along a patch of ice and then use brooms to melt the ice in path of the stones so they stop in specific places. Extra points if you avoid the sawdust the janitor threw down over that little girl’s vomit.
Biathlon: This event combines cross country skiing and shooting a rifle. And it will give Kevin Costner the idea for a $700 million budget movie called “Snow World”.
Snowboardcross: A race that’s basically motocross on a snowboard. As long as we’re making up ridiculous sports, any chance we could give out medals for snow fort building?It’s our chance for Olympic glory.
Super G: A very fast downhill skiing slalom race. Not to be confused with “Supa G,” which generally refers to Nate Dogg.
Nordic Combined:Obviously, this event combines the two things Nordic nations like best: white people and disgusting pickled foodstuffs. Whichever blonde wolfs down the most herring in an hour takes the gold!
>>> Did You Know?
- That the skiing-and-shooting combination of biathlon was originally inspired by a hugely successful string of liquor store robberies in Sweden?
- That the Vancouver Games’ mascots, Sumi, Quatchi, and Miga, were taken from a rejected shirt submission to Threadless and will now haunt your dreams for weeks?
- That curling was invented by an obsessive-compulsive Canadian housewife who insisted on sweeping her family’s backyard pond each morning?
- That the Opening Ceremony has a budget of $40 million? Pathetic. For the Beijing Games, China spent that much just on adult diapers so their performers could practice 20 hours a day.
- That Ethiopia is sending a one-athlete delegation to the Games? His job is to fill up his pockets with as much free grub from the Olympic Village as he can, and then get the hell out of there.
- That NBC Winter Olympics host Bob Costas in preparation for the Games has learned more than 12,000 facts about winter sports, the Olympics and Canada? Do you have any idea how sad that is?
>>> Names to Know:
Mirai Nagasu: America’s 16-year-old figure skating phenom. Cheer for her, because if she doesn’t win, her parents might not let her eat until the 2014 Games are over. BECAUSE SHE WON’T DESERVE TO!
Apolo Anton Ono: Japanese-American Dancing with the Stars champion who also dabbles in short track speed skating and competitive soul patch growing. His five Olympic medals are impressive. But scoring with Mormon dance partner Julianne Hough would have been way more impressive.
Lindsey Vonn: American downhill skiing phenom who is currently struggling with a bruised shin. Pray for her, America; she’s our best hope. Plus, she’s cute! It’s like we finally got our wish of having a female Picabo Street.
Bode Miller: Think of every insufferable, self-righteous hippie a-hole you’ve ever met. Now, put them on skis. You’ve pretty much got the picture.
Shani Davis: American speed skater who is already the first black athlete to win an individual medal at the Winter Olympics. Try not to make racist comparisons to African-American basketball stars when describing his dominance. He’s like the Larry Bird of speed skating.
Shaun White: If you don’t already know who Shaun White is, you must really not care about sports. And we are very, very jealous of your not knowing who Shaun White is.
Count Jacques Rogge: Belgian orthopedic surgeon who is the head of the International Olympic Committee. He seems legit, but keep an eye on him. We’ve seen too many movies to trust a European count with an accent like that; he’s probably on the verge of unveiling his weather-control device.
Sidney Crosby: He’s been a Canadian legend since he was a small boy. At age 22, he’s already won a Stanley Cup and been named NHL MVP. Yet if his Canadian hockey team fails to win gold in Vancouver, he will be tarred and feathered (or syruped and beaver-haired as they do it in Canada).
Liu Yan: Chinese figure skating champion. She’s listed as being 25 years old, which means that she likely just turned seven. Wish her a happy birthday!
Johnny Weir – American figure skater. He is considered a very flamboyant skater. And that’s by the figure skating community. Really. He once dressed in a swan costume. Unfortunately, his experimental alt-pop is not nearly as good as Bjork’s.
Helena Jonsson: Ha! Like you didn’t already know who the best female biathlete in the world was. Very funny. What’s next, you’re going to tell us you don’t remember Justyna Kowalczyk winning last year’s cross-country skiing world title?
Stephen Colbert – The guy you’ll be getting most of your Winter Olympics news from.
>>> What’s the Difference?
Between Figure Skating and Ice Dancing: Pretty much the same, except ice dancing has less jumping, and the guys’ fathers are 40% more ashamed of their parenting choices.
Between Downhill and the Giant Slalom: Bode Miller will achieve faster speeds while failing to medal in the downhill than he will while failing to medal in the giant slalom.
Between a Triple Lutz, a Triple Salchow and a Triple Axel: Wait for the figure skating TV commentator to say "Triple Lutz!", "Triple Salchow"! or "Triple Axel!"
Between the Winter Olympics and the Summer Olympics: NBC loses even more money during the Winter Olympics. It’s like Jay Leno’s show on skates.
Between Canada and the United States: Who knows. Maybe we’ll find out in the next two weeks! YAY!
U.S. Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn had hoped to win multiple medals at the Vancouver Games. Now it's a question of how many, if any, races she'll even ski.
Vonn's Olympics are in jeopardy due to a badly bruised and swollen right shin an injury she claims is due to an ill-fitting pair of rental boots she was given the last time she went skiing a few weeks ago.
"We had gotten some snow the day before and it was the weekend, so I decided to go skiing with some of my friends," said Vonn. "The only thing was that the place was packed and all the good boots were rented by the time we got there. I told them we shouldn't stop for breakfast first."
Vonn ended up getting stuck with a pair of boots that were a half-size too small, had a broken binding, and were already wet from being rented earlier in the day.
"I should have waited for a better pair of boots, but what was I supposed to do? All my friends were ready to go," said Vonn. "The people in the rental office suggested I consider buying my own boots, but those things are crazy expensive."
So Vonn headed out to ski with the bad pair of rentals and after a few runs down the hill knew she was hurt.
"I was in pain right away, but I thought maybe it was just because I hadn't skied in a while and wasn't doing it right," she said. "But after a couple of hours I could barely even walk."
The slope gave Vonn a coupon for 50-percent off a lift ticket on her next visit, but she's not sure how much good that will do her.
"It's not valid at Whistler," she said. "I asked. Even if I can ski, I'm going to have to plunk down another, what 150 bucks? And then just hope I get good rentals there, too. I heard there are going to be a lot of skiers at the Olympics."