Filed Under » Winter Olympics

In a statement released this morning, NBC sports chief Dick Ebersol, speaking on behalf of his network and the city of Vancouver, issued a public apology for their coverage and hosting of the Women’s Figure Skating final Thursday night, which many have called “extremely professional”, and, “of the highest quality.”

“Over the course of these games, we at NBC, as well as the city of Vancouver, have received numerous criticisms from attendees, viewers, and athletes alike for providing you with consistently incompetent coverage and presentation from things like the Opening Ceremonies to the quality and safety of the venues”, said Ebersol. "But last night there were no problems. In fact, it was quite a remarkable evening. And for that we sincerely apologize.”

In response to several skaters’ remarks pertaining to the high quality of the ice on the rink, Vancouver Organizing Committee head John Furlong said, “I have absolutely no idea why anyone would say that about our facilities. We check and recheck to make sure there are as many potential problems for these athletes as possible, and for some of the ladies to come out and say that we performed our job well is ludicrous.”

When asked later how the network and city plan on approaching the Closing Ceremonies, Ebersol said, “Wait, what? There’s aClosingCeremonies too? Aww f—k me.”

South Korean figure skating sensation Kim Yu-Na wowed the crowd at the Vancouver Games with a world record-setting performance, earning the gold medal and the brief sense that maybe her 19 joyless, pressure-filled years on earth have not all been for naught.

"I am very glad to have won the gold medal and to have lived up to my people's expectations," Kim said after her performance. "Do you think I can watch TV now?"

The South Korean bested Japan's own 19-year-old skating star, Mao Asada, who skated well, became the first female skater to land three triple Axels, won silver, and is a complete and total failure. "If only I had not eaten that handful of Skittles on my 10th birthday," said Asada, "things could have been different. It's just another regret I have right up there with being born."

Kim acknowledged there was intense pressure on her to win and said "a weight has been lifted from my shoulders." But her coach, Brian Orser, said the weights will be placed back upon her shoulders first thing tomorrow morning for her 5:15 a.m. training skate.

"The 20-pound weights we put on her shoulders keep Yu-Na's legs strong and allow her to explode into her jumps," he said. "Why would we ever take them off? She can have this one day to have fun with media interviews and her corporate endorsement obligations, but then it's back on the ice. The world championships are only a few weeks away. If she loses there, that means she is not a true champion. There will be a lot of pressure on her to back up this performance."

Kim says she realizes how important practice is.

"If I don't practice, something terrible could happen," she said. "Like, I could kick my leg up in the air, and my skate blade could catch my neck, slicing it open so I bleed out and die on the ice within seconds, ending everything. Right? Do you think that's something that could happen? I must practice and see."

Another day of the Winter Olympics is in the books. Let’s see who medaled.

Bronze: Vernon Davis

Screw you, Bo Jackson. Who cares about football and baseball? Vernon Davis does football and curling.

Silver:Canada

What a whooping Canada put on Russia. Canada destroyed Russia 7-3 — and sent the Russians to their worst ice hockey finish in Olympic history. Three nights after Canada had a near national tragedy with a loss to the United States, it's Russia with egg on their face. (For a proper visual of the Russians having egg on their face, imagine Mikhail Gorbachev. And now make that thing on his forehead yellow. There. Perfect.)

Gold: Russia

Sure, they lost. They were humiliated. But who can stay upset when they can go home and listen to the amazing crooning of Eduard Anatolyevich:

The two-man bobsled at the Vancouver Games was won yesterday when two drunk Canadians hopped in an unattended sled and zoomed down the icy course to a world record and gold medal.

"Woooooooooo! Pay up, bitches!" yelled Dave Orser, who took the ride with his friend, Kevin McNeil, after their friends bet them they didn't have the guts to do it. "100 bucks! Pay up NOW!" he added, before vomiting all over the track.

Orser, McNeil and a few of their mutual friends took the day off from work to attend a few Olympic events in and around Vancouver. By the time they got to the bobsled venue, the group had enjoyed quite a large quantity of alcohol.

"I don't even remember how we got to the bobsled place," said McNeil. "But I do remember the once-in-a-lifetime feeling of winning that gold medal! I think."

After taking their seats near the top of the bobsled run, Orser says several of his friends were amazed at how fast and dangerous the event looked. It was then that Orser accused them of being "pussies". One thing led to another, and within seconds Orser and McNeil jumped over a retaining wall, hopped in a sled and were headed down the track on the way to the gold medal.

"I just put my head down and screamed," said McNeil. "What else would I do?"

German bobsledder Dirk Braun, the captain of the reigning world champion team, admitted that's really all there is to the sport.

"Sad, but true," he said. "Sometimes you crash, sometimes you don't. Sometimes you get a world record. It's nothing more than gravity and luck. Those two drunk Canadians had both on their side today."

Orser and McNeil haven't said if they plan to continue their bobsledding career. The pair was arrested for trespassing immediately following the medal ceremony.

Hoping to boost jersey sales off of their surprising run at the Vancouver Olympics, the U.S. hockey team took the ice in their elimination game in throwback British jerseys.

"I think it's a good look," said head coach Ron Wilson. "And it should also keep us from being overconfident. It's hard to feel confident in an athletic contest with the Union Jack on your chest."

U.S. wing Chris Drury disagreed.

"I feel slower and weaker with this on," he said. "Less aggressive. And kind of sad. I realize alternate jerseys sell well, but I think I'd rather wear a Native American loin cloth."

Other players have started talking with English accents.

"Incredibly annoying," said defenseman Ryan Suter. "My sister went to London for two weeks in college and came home talking like Madonna. So fake and forced. I told her to shut up and talk normal. But just now Zach Parise said to me: 'Alright then. Cheerio. Jolly good pass there, mate.' F—king phony. I don't care how wide open he is. I'm not passing him the puck again."

USA Hockey marketing director Kevin Clark says initial sales of the throwback jersey have been strong.

"The team is hot and people will buy anything related to USA Hockey right now," he said. "For the medal round we're thinking of having them play in Pangea jerseys."

Another day of the Winter Olympics is in the books. Let’s see who medaled.

Bronze: The Netherlands

Dutch speed skating coach Gerard Kemkers cost Sven Kramer gold in the men's 10,000 meters by telling him to take an illegal lane change. After the race, the despondent coach said: "It is a disaster. My world has collapsed. This is the worst thing that has happened in my life." WHAT?! A bad lane change in speed skating is the "worst thing that has happened" in his life? Wow. What sort of magical utopia does this man come from? A place full of tulips, windmills, and legalized marijuana? Oh, he does? Makes sense then.

Silver:Mirai Nagasu

The American figure skater is in sixth place after her short program routine — a routine that included a nosebleed. Gross. Nagasu blamed the blood on the dry Vancouver air.Riiiiiiiight.It rains 300 days a year in Vancouver. The air there is not very dry. A more likely story is that she has a pre-routine habit of "picking out a winner", if you know what I mean. It's either that or she was born with a rare uterus/sinus inversion. I'm sure I saw her crotch sneeze.

Gold: Kim Yu-na

The favorite in women's figure skating earned a world record score of 78.5 points in her graceful and athletic short program, taking a five-point lead over blah blah blah blah blah. Boring. Who cares. Here is the real reason to watch figure skating — lots of people falling down:

Apologies for the Smash Mouth. Feel free to deduct points for that.

Fifteen-year-old Benny Calvert got his first snowboard at the age of 13 and has been riding ever since. Though he is barely a high school student and has no formal training, he spends nearly all his free time launching off ramps and hurtling through the air, avoiding certain death through mere luck.

His mom, Julie Calvert, is perfectly okay with all this.

“Oh I’m fine with it. I think it’s great,” said Calvert, 44. “You know, a lot of parents would be terrified of watching their child tease death several time a day, but for me, it’s all very exciting. I mean, what’s the worst that can really happen? My baggy-clothed, floppy-haired, pot-smoking, irresponsible, disrespectful son crashes on his snowboard and dies? Oh no! One less X-Gaming douche in the world! Whatever shall we do?”

Around the age of 12, Calvert says she started noticing changes in her son’s personality and appearance. The mild mannered, polite, dorky Benny who endeared himself to children and parents alike began morphing into a “skate punk”who listened to obnoxious punk rock music without understanding it, dressed in clothing way too big for him, and started talking in incoherent skater slang.

“I’m thinking, ‘Who is this kid and what has he done with my son?’” Calvert recalled. “Of course I expected him to go through an awkward stage when he reached adolescence, but I was thinking a crackling voice and masturbation, not a complete transformation into some obnoxious caricature so impressed with his own ‘radness’ that he can’t see what an insufferable douche he’s become. So every time he goes up in the air I hold my breath – but probably not for the same reasons most parents hold their breath.”

Mrs. Calvert got a brief “scare”last year when her son lost control in mid-air and landed head first in the snow. She rushed to his aid thinking he couldn’t have survived the fall but, alas, he had.

“I was like ‘Oh my God, the little punk must be dead as a doornail,” she said. “But then he bounced back up like nothing happened. He was like ‘Yea! That was totally rad!’ and everybody was high-fiving him. What an obnoxious sub-culture. The kid almost dies and they think it’s totally cool. The whole world is turning into a goddamnJackassmovie.”

In March, Benny will be participating in his first ever competitive tournament when he competes in the Junior World Championships in Vale, Colorado. The jumps will be higher, the course will be faster, and the danger greater. But Mrs. Calvert isn’t worried for her son.

“I’m looking forward to it,” she said. “It’s going to be life threatening. I mean, he could actually die. Or he could end up being fed through a tube the rest of his life. Either way, I won’t have to listen to that annoying snowboard jargon every again.”

Another day of the Winter Olympics is in the books. Let’s see who medaled.

Bronze: Ice Dancing

There wasn't much in the way of actual sports during the second Monday of the Vancouver Olympics. So we watched ice dancing. It pulled in viewers who enjoy shows like "Dancing With The Stars". And it also pulled in viewers who always wished the contestants on "Dancing With The Stars" competed with razor blades attached to their feet in hopes the contestants, judges and everyone involved with the show would get decapitated by a wayward leg kick.

But, alas, no one died during the ice dancing competition. Another big strike against the Vancouver Games.

Silver: CURLING!

China's curling coach is angry at his team because he doesn't think they're giving their all. "This is the national team," he said. "It's been together for six or seven years and most of the players have been on the team for that long and take it for granted." He added: "I'm furious." As he should be! This … is … CURLING! (<—- Said in my best "300" voice.) Curling is very serious business. From the delicate sliding of the stone thing with the handle to the furious sweeping. Especially the sweeping. I demand people take sweeping very seriously. And when they don't, I let them know about it. That's why I haven't tipped a maid in a hotel since 2003.

As for some people who do understand the INTENSITY that is curling, here is a video by Swedish metal band Hammerfall featuring … the Swedish women's curling team. Naturally.

That song ranks right up there with Guns 'n' Roses "Sweet Broom of Mine" and Metallica's "Enter Curlman".

Gold: The Germans!

Don't look now, but the Germans are gaining on the United States in the medal count. The U.S. has 25 medals to Germany's 21, but the Germans actually have more silver (8-7) and the same amount of gold (7). But who knows where the Germans got that gold, am I right?