Dear Washington Redskins Fans
As you may have heard, in our ongoing efforts to improve the experience at FedEx Field, we have banned all fan signs.
But we will not stop there in our efforts to provide the best atmosphere possible.
In fact, I am pleased to announce a new measure: starting today, the scoreboard at FedEx Field is banned.
The scoreboard has been regularly putting up a low and losing score and that has created a negative atmosphere in the stadium and lessened the fan experience. We demand the best for our fans and won't let the negative attitudes of the scoreboard stand in the way. So it is being unplugged.
In addition to the ban on fan signs at FedEx Field and now the scoreboard ban, stadium security personnel will confiscate any devices that fans can use to learn the score, such as cell phones or radios. Also, the stadium's large video boards will show Redskins highlights from the 1980s and early 1990s during play.
Additionally, plain clothes team personnel will be circulating throughout the crowd to eject any fans who violate our new language policy. This includes our existing language policy with a few tweaks. I have overheard a sharp increase in the expression of the following phrases in the stadium in recent weeks, and they are all now BANNED:
"Dan Snyder is a douchebag."
"Fk Dan Snyder."
"I hope Dan Snyder dies in a fire."
"Hey, whaddaya say we all storm the owner's box and kill Dan Snyder?"
We feel these new changes will increase the enjoyment of all those in attendance at Redskins games, including me.
Also, parking at the stadium will now cost $125.
Daniel Snyder Washington Redskins, Owner
The Washington Redskins fell to 2-5 on the season on Monday night thanks to a hard-fought, 10-point loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. And while such a record might not normally go over well in Washington, the team is earning praise for performing so well in the absence of star tight end Chris Cooley, who hasn't played the last three quarters.
Cooley suffered a broken leg on the first play of the second quarter in Monday night's game and is lost for the season.
"Every team in the NFL goes through injuries," said Redskins head coach Jim Zorn. "That's to be expected. And you have to fight through those. But when you lose a star player, sometimes they are too big to overcome. I think that's what has happened to us this year."
Quarterback Jason Campbell says he has noticed Cooley's absence from the very beginning.
"While he was on the field, yes, I just sensed it wasn't permanent, you know?" said Campbell. "That's one of the intangibles I bring to the quarterback position. That and well, that's the primary one. So I sensed he would get hurt, and therefore I didn't throw to him. I also haven't thrown the ball much to Santana Moss or Antwaan Randle-El this season. Mainly out of respect for Chris and what he's going through."
And while Cooley's is the most serious injury the Redskins have suffered this season, Zorn says other high-profile players have been fighting through debilitating injuries, as well.
"They won't admit it to me," said Zorn. "But I think it's obvious that Clinton Portis has one or two torn ACLs and maybe a ruptured Achilles. And Albert Haynesworth is dying of some kind of cardiovascular disease it seems. But they're brave enough to go out there on the field and compete, even though they look horrible and are embarrassing themselves. I admire them."
Redskins owner Daniel Snyder says he is taking into account all the bad luck in evaluating the embattled Zorn.
"Had you told me before the season that we were going to lose Chris Cooley for the year, a 2-5 start isn't half bad," said Snyder. "Coach Zorn is looking at a contract extension."
Redskins head coach Jim Zorn was “alarmed”this morning when he walked into his office at Fedex Field and found former Broncos coach Mike Shanahan sitting behind his desk. Shanahan was accompanied by owner Daniel Snyder, who told Zorn he was “just giving him a tour.”
“Wow, that was weird,” Zorn told reporters afterward. “I walk into my office, and there’s Mike Shanahan sitting there, his hands folded behind his head, looking around. Then he was measuring the wall space, opening and closing drawers, inspecting the bathroom. And Mr. Snyder is standing there with him telling him to take all the time he needs. Then he sees me and says, ‘Oh Jim! I didn’t expect you so early! I was just giving Mike the, uh, tour. He’s a big Redskins fan.”
Shanahan then asked Zorn a series of questions that led Zorn to believe he would soon be moving into his office.
“He asked me if it gets drafty during the winter,” said Zorn. “Then he asked me if I was going to be taking the desk with me if I leave. Then he said he really liked all the wall space and that it would be a great place to hang photos of the 1998 Super Bowl if, hypothetically speaking, a person with a framed collection of such photos were inclined to hang them in his office. I don’t know. It sure seems like he’s planning to take my job. Or am I just being paranoid because we've been struggling?”
Shanahan then asked Snyder if it would be possibly to knock down one of the walls and expand the office so one could put a treadmill and exercise bike there if one were so inclined, hypothetically speaking. Snyder replied in the affirmative.
Zorn then asked if the two men could leave so he could begin his work for the day.
“When I asked them to leave, Mr. Snyder shot me this angry look like I was embarrassing him in front of company or something,” Zorn recalled. “But Mike was like ‘Oh, sure, we were just wrapping up.’ Then he asked me if he could leave something on my desk. It was a name plate with his name on it. He was like ‘I don’t feel like lugging this around with me anymore. Can I leave it on your desk for now? Thanks.’ Then he just knocked my name plate onto the floor and put his in its place.”
“So what do you think?” he added. “Am I reading too much into this or what?”
Later, Zorn went out to his car and found Mike Shanahan’s name painted over his in the head coach’s parking space, a discrepancy Daniel Snyder explained as “probably just some teen vandals having a little fun.”
Shanahan, when reached for comment, said he had no interest in the Redskins job and had not been in contact with Daniel Snyder.