Filed Under » Washington Redskins

Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III announced today that his engagement his off.

"We never planned to get married. I never planned to get married. I'm rich, famous and 23 years old. Why would I get married?" said Griffin. "We just did this to get free stuff from stupid fans by putting up an online registry. And it worked!"

"Fans are such morons!" said a cackling Griffin, while randomly turning on and off some 50 blenders he received from fans who ordered them off of his wedding registry. "And look at me now! No man has ever had so much loot from Bed Bath & Beyond. Life doesn't get better than this!"

In addition to the four or five dozen blenders — "I lost count," said Griffin, "but I'll definitely be getting my blend on" — Griffin got three Oneida Satin Sand Dune 45-Piece Flatware sets, giving him an impressive haul of 135 pieces of silverware.

"It's an embarrassment of silverware," said Griffin. "My teammates are going to be so jealous."

More than 700,000 Americans with the last name "Snyder" delivered a petition to the home offices of the Washington Redskins today demanding that team owner Daniel Snyder change his name.

"Dan Snyder is well known as a loathsome person and incompetent team owner," said Jeff Snyder, of Peoria, Ill. "Every day he does further damage to the Snyder name. When most people hear the name 'Snyder' now, they think of assholery and failure. Today we say enough is enough."

The petition demands that Snyder officially change his last name within 72 hours, or be slapped with a defamation lawsuit.

"He has done great damage to everyone named Snyder," said Sara Snyder, who owns a flower shop in San Diego. "Even though I live thousands of miles away from Washington, D.C., people regularly ask me if I'm related to that 'prick Dan Snyder.' I know I have lost business because of my name — a name that he has ruined."