"We never planned to get married. I never planned to get married. I'm rich, famous and 23 years old. Why would I get married?" said Griffin. "We just did this to get free stuff from stupid fans by putting up an online registry. And it worked!"
"Fans are such morons!" said a cackling Griffin, while randomly turning on and off some 50 blenders he received from fans who ordered them off of his wedding registry. "And look at me now! No man has ever had so much loot from Bed Bath & Beyond. Life doesn't get better than this!"
In addition to the four or five dozen blenders "I lost count," said Griffin, "but I'll definitely be getting my blend on" Griffin got three Oneida Satin Sand Dune 45-Piece Flatware sets, giving him an impressive haul of 135 pieces of silverware.
"It's an embarrassment of silverware," said Griffin. "My teammates are going to be so jealous."
"Dan Snyder is well known as a loathsome person and incompetent team owner," said Jeff Snyder, of Peoria, Ill. "Every day he does further damage to the Snyder name. When most people hear the name 'Snyder' now, they think of assholery and failure. Today we say enough is enough."
The petition demands that Snyder officially change his last name within 72 hours, or be slapped with a defamation lawsuit.
"He has done great damage to everyone named Snyder," said Sara Snyder, who owns a flower shop in San Diego. "Even though I live thousands of miles away from Washington, D.C., people regularly ask me if I'm related to that 'prick Dan Snyder.' I know I have lost business because of my name a name that he has ruined."
Sorry, James. You're now an overrated NFL defensive back.
Picture RGIII's New Nickname
He's so awesome, he gets to park close to every building.
They didn't even have Christmas in Washington, D.C., before RG III arrived.
Picture America Hates America's Team
Hmm. It almost makes you think that they're not nah. Foolish thought.
It's a new low for Dan Snyder.
Granted, Rex Grossman has proven to be a failure, but high-level logic is a post-graduate course at Florida.
Only the Chargers were dumb enough to keep him for 2012.
Winner gets the Capitals.