And so ends Bryce Harper's camp for kids.
It's not like he wouldn't happily drink one on the mound.
"We're still evaluating the situation with Stephen," said Rizzo. "But as of now, nothing has changed. He will detonate in a little over two weeks."
The Nationals decided to strap a bomb to their franchise pitcher "to protect him."
"He is coming off of arm surgery and we didn't want him to pitch too many innings," said Rizzo. "We considered putting an innings limit on him, but we knew he would want to pitch beyond that and if we found ourselves in playoff contention that we might also be tempted to let him pitch the whole season. But then we thought of the bomb idea. This makes sure Stephen doesn't pitch more than he should."
Strasburg says he has tried to disarm the device that is strapped to his back.
"I want to keep pitching," he said. "More than that, I don't want to die. But I went to San Diego State and didn't even graduate. I don't know what I'm doing. It just looks like a bunch of wires to me."
At least the Cubs are keeping things normal.
He's truly a brah of his times.
There have been many clowns throughout history, bro.
Is it hard running the bases with your huge shoes?
Maybe people would learn his name if he wasn't on a pitch count.
"We had high hopes for the team this year, but they are exceeding even those expectations," said Nationals general manager Mike Rizzo of his first place club. "We believe we can compete for a World Series title this year, and we want to do it with Stephen at our disposal. Yet we want to protect his arm, too."
So Rizzo and manager Davey Johnson have hit on an idea that will allow them to give Strasburg heavy innings even deep into October.
"Soft-tossing. We've told him that if any pitches crack 70 mph on the radar gun, he's getting pulled," said Rizzo. "But now that he's exerting almost no effort out there, we feel we don't need to put an innings or pitch count on him. I don't know why we didn't think of this before."
Strasburg tried out the new approach in his latest start and got knocked around by the lowly Padres, giving up four runs on seven hits in four innings his worst performance of the season.
Claus has been following Harper's controversial antics closely over the last two years, but only recently has he begun taking a liking to the young outfielder.
"To be honest, I didn't think I'd ever take the kid's name off the Naughty List," said Claus between two huge gulps of milk. "But here we are."
Harper might have earned some brownie points when he emerged from the dugout for a curtain call and pointed a northward, a thoughtful acknowledgment of the fat man in red.