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From the good folks at No Mas, using audio from an actual interview with Dock Ellis.

Baseball-on-acid > Baseball-on-steroids

Men and women of the military, thank you for your service to all of us. Sincerely.

Even to those of us who are morons. Also sincerely. Or not. Yeah, probably not.

Lt. Winslow, U.S. Douche Corps.

AVOID: Chris Chambers, WR, Chiefs — Last monday Chris Chambers was released by the Chargers. Tuesday he was claimed by the Chiefs. And then on Sunday he caught two touchdown passes in Kansas City's loss to the Jaguars. Quite a week.

Can we expect more of this from Chris Chambers? Despite his sub-par numbers over a now 9-year NFL career, Chambers has long tempted fantasy football owners. Consider his Fantasy Files commercial:

Whoops. I'm sorry. Wrong video. That was footage from the future showing how many catches Chambers will have the rest of this season.

BYU-New Mexico met in the Mountain West Conference Tournament. Keep your eye on New Mexico's Elizabeth Lambert … if she hasn't already given you a black eye.

If you care to learn more about Ms. Lambert, here is her official profile page on GoLobos.com. It turns out her major is Occupational Therapy. So before you judge her, realize that she can help her many victims through the long rehabilitation process from the injuries that she gives them.

Yes, the portly Boston Celtics backup says he plans to play in the NFL one day.

"I will try it," Davistold reporters. "When I become an All-Star in the NBA, when I become a great player in the NBA, then I'll try football. One of my dreams has always been to play football."

So there's no definite timeline there, outside of a plane carrying all the top 25 or 30 frontline players in the NBA has to first go down so Davis can make the All-Star team. But when that happens … IT'S NFL TIME!

And this is what the NFL will get:

You know, that was actually pretty good.

Hmm.

Let's not let Boston fans get wind of this. They'll become even more unbearable. "We ahh so fackin good at fackin football, even owah beloved Celtics could beat yah football team full uh fackin queeahs."

Yeah, cry! CRY! Wah-wah-wah-wah. Boo-hoo. Cry like a TINY LITTLE BOY!

(You know, because you are. And that's incredibly appropriate. As you got crushed.)

That kid plays like a kid out there! Probably because he's a kid!

And is someone yelling "KETCHUP!" after he lets go of the ball? Or maybe "CATCH 'EM"?

I can't tell.

I think I would have yelled "HOW DOES THIS KID HAVE A BETTER ARM THROWING UNDERHANDED BEHIND HIS BACK THEN A THIRD OF THE QUARTERBACKS STARTING IN THE NFL RIGHT NOW DO THROWING NORMALLY?!"

The best part of the NFL playoffs last year was the Steelers winning the Super Bowl. But that's because I'm a Steelers fan.

For everyone else, the best part of the playoffs was the Giants losing because it gave us this pathetic Giants fan crying about their loss.

(Original YouTube video of that display here. NSFW language.)

Comedy Central's Tosh.0 caught up with this lard-encased 4-year-old girl to see how it is emotionally some nine months after Lil' Elisha and the Giants were eliminated by the Eagles in the first round of the playoffs.

This video is from Saturday's Big Ten game between Minnesota and Penn State.

Some people took offense to Goldy Gopher "mocking" a Penn State player for praying. In fact, the University of Minnesota has issued a statement apologizing for the mascot's behavior.

But shouldn't the Penn State player be the one apologizing? He prayed and then looked up to the heavens. Absurd. Disrespectful. Sacreligious even.

God isn't in the heavens. Everyone knows that.

God is in Minnesota.

Why? Because it's fun.

The video below was, of course, prompted by this:

I don't think I will ever tire of seeing that commercial from three very long years ago. I won't even tire of it long after Adam Morrison is out of the NBA. (So … this February or thereabouts.)

"And when I get to the NBA, more people will cry." Classic.

Yeah, the Bobcats for giving you all that money. ZING!

And their owners for hiring Michael Jordan. Incompetence ZING!

I just hope Morrison, now on the Lakers (still … somehow) didn't go to the recent Lamar Odom-Khloe Kardashian wedding. Seeing true love like that get celebrated in public before all those who care about them, as well as fame-leeching groupies and reality stars, would just be very … very … I don't want to … it's just that … BWAAA-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO …