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Tebow could fly up Jesus-style and get Jaxson De Ville down.

I can imagine there was a lot of pressure starting to build up in that giant cat's head from hanging upside-down for so long. But no worries. When a mascot's head explodes, brains and blood don't fly everywhere. Blood-soaked confetti does. And that's awesome.

Good to see he keeps his red shirt on. Proves he takes adultery seriously. I can respect that.

This is the break in the case I was waiting for:

Seriously, if media reports like this are what we'd get under Chinese rule … I will happily accept.

ADD: Kenny Britt, WR, Titans — Not long ago, having a Tennessee Titans wide receiver on your fantasy football team was akin to setting a starting lineup full of players on their bye week. But then Vince Young came back. And it appears Young spent his blue period learning how to throw a football. In the past two weeks he's thrown it 11 times for 170 yards and two touchdowns to Kenny Britt, the 30th overall pick in April's draft.

People used to make fun of Vince Young's throwing motion. They compared it to Uncle Rico:

Well, guess what? Vince Young still throws that way. But now he really can throw the ball over that mountain. And guess who's waiting on the other side to catch it? It's Kenny Britt. And it's for a touchdown.

So pick up Kenny Britt. And in no time you'll be singing love songs to Britt like this:

(Yeah, I know his name is "Bret," not "Britt." But it's pronounced the same. So shut up. Jerk.)

WINNERS

1. Vince Young — Vince Young owns Matt Leinart. The 2006 BCS title game and again on Sunday … both games won on a dramatic game-ending drive while Leinart can do nothing but stand on the sidelines and think to himself: "Nah, brah, nah." Vince Young completely owns him. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Young informs Leinart that he's the real father of his child. Actually, no. Leinart would probably like that.

2. The media — Vince-anity, inVINCEable. It's all back in play, baby. If Vince Young continues to play well and the Orlando Magic make a run in the playoffs again, the media may be able to mail in most every headline via pun between now and June.

3. Carolina Panthers — Jake Delhomme broke a finger. Best of all: it's on his interception-throwing hand. So you shall be free of Delhomme, Panthers fans. Now the bad news: Delhomme will finish his season with 18 interceptions. That will be enough for John Fox to say: "He only threw 18 interceptions! That's not too bad. He's our quarterback again in 2010." But you're thinking, "Those 18 interceptions came in just 11 games!" Ah-HA! See, now you're thinking logically. You must instead think like the guy who has started Jake Delhomme year after year after soul-crushing year.

4. Big East — Kenny Britt and Ray Rice of Rutgers had big days. LaRod Stephens-Howling, Clint Session, LeSean McCoy and Darrelle Revis of Pitt had big days. (And just being able to lay a hand on a few of Leinart's ducks earns Larry Fitzgerald a mention.) Louisville's Elvis Dumervil had two sacks and forced a fumble. West Virginia's Steve Slaton is back. Basically, what I'm saying is this: the Big East is a lot like people you knew in college who weren't all that popular. But, now, a few years later, they have better jobs, make more money and are married to hotter women. (Note: my analogy falls apart a bit in regards to the Mountain West and WAC conferences. I hear many of their players become polygamists, so the women comparison is unfair.)

5. Grey Cup — It was played on Sunday. I don't know who won. Anyway … hi, Canada!

LOSERS

1. Cris Colinsworth — Early in the Ravens-Steelers game: "Ray Lewis is killing the Steelers backs." Fine. I can see one slip of the tongue. But in the second half: "Ray Lewis has a little blood on him. It may be somebody else's." Wait … WHAT? How can you talk about Ray Lewis — a guy who fled a double murder scene in blood-spattered clothes and then ditched his outfit — and not maybe make a conscious effort to avoid the murder/blood spatter comments? But then, Collinsworth never was one to think before he speaks:

2. Prince — He was at the Vikings-Bears game. And he didn't appear to be having much fun:

Maybe he can team up with Jay Cutler to launch a new band called Prince and The New Pouter Generation.

ZORN!

3. Stylez White — He was in on three sacks against the Falcons. Great. Fine. But he's still a loser because his name is Stylez. Although I am the biggest loser here because I am about to post a third consecutive YouTube video in a row, a new low for the Internet. Enjoy watching Stiles from "Teen Wolf.":

Wait, I'm sorry … I found a clip of "Teen Wolf" in Spanish. Awesome. I place myself back in the winner category.

4. Cleveland Browns — Wide receiver Joshua Cribbs played some quarterback. Quarterback Brady Quinn played some wide receiver. Wide receiver Mike Furrey played some safety. Still, the Browns lost. Now, maybe if they tried head coach Eric Mangini at the unemployed position they might be getting somewhere.

5. Jim Caldwell — I think that's your name. Whoever you are. The guy coaching the Colts. You need to do a better job creating an identity so you can get some credit for the Colts' 11-0 start. Everyone thinks you are living off the success built by Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning. Everyone thinks you are boring, plain. You need to do something to get some attention. Have you considered crashing your SUV into a fire hydrant and a tree?

Watch #36. His age? Six.

This is an OUTRAGE! Who is coaching this kid? Who taught him to tackle that hard … but not to get up and flex or do a dance? Ridiculous. This coach must be fired before a child's marketability is hurt.

(I will say that it's nice to see a #36 run around on the field without becoming nauseous from all the jubbly bouncing. Years of watching Jerome Bettis scarred me.)

WINNERS

1. Kevin Boss, TE, Giants — Eli Manning still has yet to find a replacement for Plaxico Burress in the Giants office. So you stepped forward on Sunday with five catches for 76 yards and two touchdowns in a game your team had to win. Hats off to you. Of course, if it turns out you're a Nazi, I take it all back. And I hope you burn in hell for all eternity.

2. Dreamboats — The S.S. Tom Brady: 310 yards and a touchdown. The S.S. Brady Quinn: 304 yards, four touchdowns. The S.S. Matt Leinart: Well, at least he didn't almost blow a sure win this time. The S.S. Mark Sanchez: Hmm … well, he's terrible. Another five turnover game. But that means he's hot and a little bit naughty. Rawwwrrrrr! You know you'd let him turn you over. Oh, and Terrell Suggs: please stop complaining that Brady Quinn's chop block took out your knees. You know it was looking at him that made you weak in the knees.

3. Robert Meachem, WR, Saints — Two more touchdown catches yesterday. And two more catches yesterday. So, for the season, you now have six touchdowns on 16 catches. That's quite a touchdown-to-catch ratio. Why don't the Saints make you their No. 1 target? If you had 96 catches in a season, you'd have 36 touchdowns! That's incredible! (And don't tell me I'm misusing statistics. I learned last week that Bill Belichick made the right call — THE ONLY CALL! — because the numbers said so. You are a troglodyte for thinking otherwise. A TROGLODYTE, I say!)

4. New York Jets — So you got crushed by the Patriots and your season is pretty much over. Whoop-dee-doo. Everyone knows that your game earlier this season against the Patriots was your Super Bowl. And you won that game. So this game was your Pro Bowl. No one cares who wins the Pro Bowl. Congratulations on your world championship and enjoy the off-season.

5. America — The holiday season is upon us. Normally, that means you're going to get fat. But not this year. Because this year whenever you get the urge to eat, just check out this video of Bills lineman Eric Wood breaking his leg:

LOSERS

1. Maurice Jones-Drew, RB, Jaguars — He had 29 touches on Sunday and only one touchdown. That means he gave himself up 28 times this week — 28! — before going in the end zone. STOP KILLING MY FANTASY TEAM, YOU DICK!

2. Don Criqui and Randy Cross — CBS assigned you to call the Browns-Lions game. Wow. Clearly you are not thought of highly by your employer. And while I have nothing against Don Criqui, I'm glad Randy Cross is a failure. I never cared for his name and how it suggests sexual arousal over crucifixions. Pervert!

3. AFC North — Baltimore? Loses to the Colts thanks to The Unibrow Bomber throwing an interception when the Ravens were in range to kick a game-winning field goal.Cleveland? Loses to the Lions. The Lions! After having a 24-3 lead!Cincinnati? Loses to the Raiders. The Raiders! Pittsburgh? Loses to the Chiefs. The Chiefs! The AFC North? Worse than the AFC West. The AFC West!

4. Steelers Nation — There were huge sections of empty seats in the upper deck at Arrowhead Stadium on Sunday. You people can't even fill an opposing stadium anymore that's within a 17-hour drive of Pittsburgh? Your team loses a few games and you stop supporting them? I even heard a smattering of cheers in the stadium when the Chiefs won. You can't drown out an entire fan base in their home stadium anymore?Pathetic. Pa-thetic.

5. Larry Johnson — Two carries, five yards. And the Bengals lost. To the Raiders. And that's not even the worst of it. Then Johnson gets home, tries to relax, flips on Eagles-Bears and what does he see? A dude's butt.

Not a good day to be a washed-up homophobe.

And, yes, it dawned on me this weekend that the infamous New Mexico enforcer must be related to Jack Lambert in some way. Perhaps she was grown from one of his loose teeth.

Why shouldn't this be the ad? Most people who buy Wrangler jeans eventually make them into jorts anyway.