Tennessee is reeling today over the news that Layla Kiffin, considered perhaps the state's top MILF, is moving to Los Angeles.
"Devastating. Absolutely devastating," said Governor Phil Bredesen. "We thought we had her for the long haul. We thought we'd get to enjoy that body and leer at it for another 10 to 12 years before she moved on or everything dropped and started getting saggy. At least I can say we sincerely appreciated her while she was here."
"I never even got to smell her hair," said University of Tennessee athletic director Mike Hamilton. "God knows I tried. But every time I'd get in really close and almost breathe it in, she'd spot me and turn around. She had an amazing sense for that. She had a lot of amazing attributes."
Many high school seniors who had committed to Tennessee are reportedly now reconsidering.
"I was going there for her," said Darrell Smith, a highly-touted running back from Memphis. "I don't know why she's going to Los Angeles where she'll be just another blonde woman with a big rack. Here she was unique. Here she was special. I could have showed her how special she was. That was my goal. Hit that. And then, once that's taken care of, focus on winning a national title and playing in the NFL."
Tennessee has immediately begun the search for a successor.
"We are looking for full C-cups or perky D's," said Hamilton. "And, of course, 36-24-36 measurements or something in that proportional ballpark. We'd also like another one who has had children. Because then you know what you're working with. It's easy to get a good-looking woman pre-babies, but then she might blow up after having kids. Not an angel like Layla. Oh, Layla we'll miss you."
The school is also hoping their replacement for Layla Kiffin is married to someone with some sort of football coaching background, even if at a low level.
"But the coaching thing is not a deal-breaker," said Hamilton.
The University of Southern California today announced severe sanctions against its field hockey program in light of several violations committed by the school's football program.
"The benefits that were given to Reggie Bush during his time here and the car that Joe McKnight has been allowed to use, among other violations, will not stand here at USC," said USC athletics director Michael Garrett. "We take these things very seriously. As such, our women's field hockey program is losing three scholarships and may not participate in the Pac-10 tournament."
The field hockey team will, however, be allowed to participate in the NCAA Tournament if it receives a bid.
"It's an olive branch to them to improve their behavior," said Garrett. "No one on the football team wants those girls to miss out on a field hockey title, I'm sure of it."
Football coach Pete Carroll said he was unaware of the punishment.
"I had no idea we had a field hockey team," said Carroll. "Huh. That's the one where the girls with the short skirts bend over, right? Nice."
Garrett says he thinks his quick action will show the NCAA that the school's football programs is playing within the rules. "This is just the first step, too," he said. "If anything more happens, then we hit women's swimming. Before long it gets really serious and we go after a men's sport. Like tennis. Not one of the real ones, of course. But still."
A source within the NCAA's compliance office says USC has taken the necessary steps.
"They didn't even have to do this," he said. "They're one of the top football programs. They should know that we're never going to punish a program at that level. What's actually more concerning is that they even brought attention to their indiscretions this way. That's what we might punish them for. We prefer programs just pretend everything is on the up-and-up."
Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis added an additional storyline to his team's showdown with 6th ranked USC on Saturday, boldly vowing today that his team will only lose by a few points just as it did in his trademark game at Notre Dame, a 34-31 loss to the Trojans in 2005.
"That's just Charlie being Charlie. He's a brash, New Jersey guy," said Rev. John Jenkins, president of Notre Dame. "That's what we like about him. And, boy, we sure would love to lose by just three to USC again. That game was easily the high point of our program in the past 15 years."
And while Jenkins wouldn't come right out and say it, he strongly suggested that Weis could be looking at another huge contract extension with another tight loss to USC, similar to the 10-year extension he received following the 2005 loss.
"Losing by a touchdown or fewer, I think we might have our coach here at Notre Dame locked up until the middle of the century," he said.
Weis made his gusty proclamation this afternoon at his weekly press conference.
"I am just that confident in my team," Weis smirked. "Laugh if you want. But you'll see on Saturday. The days of Notre Dame getting crushed by the top teams are over. They're over. I guarantee you we don't lose by more than 10 points. In fact, I think it will be a one score defeat. And it's all thanks to my players and the strategic advantage I bring."
Those lines drew applause from several Notre Dame staffers and boosters in the room, as well as NBC reporters.
But not everyone is as pleased with Weis' words.
"Oh, this is definitely bulletin board material," says USC head coach Pete Carroll. "My players don't work as hard as they do every day to barely beat Notre Dame. They're going to be ready on Saturday."
Yet Weis feels that no matter how well USC plays, his team can match them play for play. Almost, at least.
"When we walk off that field on Saturday, our heads are going to be held high," he said. "Because we'll be looking up at that scoreboard proudly and thinking: 'Huh, a six point loss to USC. That's not bad at all. We don't suck nearly as much as everyone says.'"
There are only a few days left until the first Saturday of the college football season and SportsPickle is counting down the top stories of 2009. Today: No. 5, USC.