Filed Under » USC Trojans

The Bowl Championship Series stripped USC of its 2004 national title this week. And now the NCAA has followed that punishment by requiring all of the players on the championship USC team to wipe the memories of all the fun they had and sex they got as a result of winning the title.

"Many people have said that being stripped of the national title is a toothless measure," said NCAA president Mark Emmert. "So we wanted to hit them where it hurts. USC players: remember all of those hot co-eds you hooked up with in college? It was great, right? Now stop remembering it. You got that ass fraudulently."

Former USC quarterback Matt Leinart said it will be difficult to follow the NCAA's directive.

"In trying to forget everything, it actually brought back a lot of the memories," he said. "Man, I hooked up with a lot of chicks back in college. I mean a ton. And almost all of them were incredibly hot. Wow. I don't know how I ever even made it to class. What memories. I'm so glad I have them because I don't have much positive going on in my life right now." Leinart then excused himself, saying: "I have to go rub one out."

Reggie Bush says he had completely forgotten that USC even won a championship while he was there.

"Trust me, when you're getting the kind of ass I was getting, some computer-generated football trophy is the last thing on your mind," he said. "I remember being pissed we even had to play that game because I had a three-way scheduled for the same time."

Lane Kiffin, the young, 35-year-old head coach charged with leading the legendary USC football program into the future, is already making his mark on team. And today he announced the program's system of player compensation while be completely modernized and moved online.

"Players today do everything online," he said. "I don't think there's a kid on the team who doesn't have an iPhone or one of those Droids. Their lives are completely digital — and it's time our payment program reflects that."

Thanks to an exclusive partnership with PayPal, the university, athletic department, football program, coaches, boosters or even USC fans can make direct payments into each player's individual PayPal account.

"No longer will players have to be given sacks of cash that are easy to lose or be told they have to take a house when they really want a car," said Kiffin. "With PayPal we have completely modernized and streamlined our payment system. This is the future of paying NCAA athletes and we think our players will be earning as much as 50-percent more."

USC looked into other payment options in the past — Pete Carroll notably tried to use Flooz for a time — but had never moved beyond straight cash transactions or gifts. When Kiffin took over this offseason, he immediately insisted on overhauling the program and made it happen with his energy and youthful perspective.

"I've looked through the entire NCAA rule book and there's not a single mention of PayPal, so it must be allowed," he said. "And by the time they get around to putting that in the rule book, I'll be long gone to my next job."

The University of Southern Cal athletics department renamed its men's soccer program "men's football" today in a move it expects will enable its football team — now called "American football" — to avoid any NCAA punishment.

"Check and mate, NCAA," laughed USC athletic director Mike Garrett, announcing the new terms in a press conference this morning. "Of course, it isn't all bad news. Per the conditions laid out by the NCAA, our soccer team is going to miss two bowl games. Oh, wait! Soccer … er, I mean football … doesn't have bowl games. Boom!"

Garrett then high-fived USC American football coach Lane Kiffin.

Incoming NCAA president Mark Emmert said that USC's semantics likely will work. "What can we do? They found a loophole and exploited it," said Emmert. "Of course, we informed them of the loophole. We can't have major programs like USC American football getting punished. It's how we've done it for years. No one wants us to suspend the entire Top 25 and half the NCAA Tournament field."

In addition to missing out on bowl games, USC's soccer program will lose scholarships and also its wins from the 2004 season.

"This is fantastic news," said USC football coach Steve Ryan. "I could honestly give a crap about our program. It's only a club team anyway. The only thing that makes my job worth it is that I get season tickets to USC football. The last thing I want is to be stuck with tickets for some crap American football team."

New Seattle Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll had an introductory press conference that won't be forgotten for a long time.