Filed Under » training camp postcard

Our reporter spent the day at Pittsburgh Steelers training camp in Latrobe, Penn. Here are his notes.

> The Steelers are still in search of a short yardage and goal line back. They feel finding one of those will be easier than finding five offensive linemen who can block.

> Steelers special teams coach Bob Ligashesky was a day late for training camp because his airline lost his douche bag. Kicker Jeff Reed was thankfully found several hours later on a flight to Las Vegas.

> Beefy nose tackle Casey Hampton shed 15 pounds during camp while head coach Mike Tomlin dropped 95 pounds thanks to wearing his puffy coat day after day in 90-degree heat. He is expected to be off of life support in the next few days.

> The Steelers say they still see the Ravens as the team to beat in the AFC North. Probably because they beat the Ravens three times last season and the other teams in their division only twice.

> On the day NFL officials stopped by camp to explain the rule changes for this season, the Steelers peppered them with questions. The officials did not have answer for receiver Santonio Holmes question about whether he would be ruled in possession of the ball if he got one foot and his penis down before going out of bounds.

> Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger injured his Achilles on the final day of camp. (To clarify: I mean his literal Achilles; not his figurative Achilles: girls who look like horses.)

Our reporter spent the day at Minnesota Vikings training camp in Mankato, Minn. Here are his notes.

> Brett Favre may not know all the Vikings plays yet, but he has had no problem so far adapting them to his style of play. Regardless of the call, he just drops back, runs around in a circle a few times, spots the receiver farthest down the field and then throws the ball as high and as far as he can. And the good news for the Vikings: with Favre's aging eyes and weak, old man arm, he's normally hitting a receiver only 10 to 15 yards downfield — just the conservative approach this team needs! Great signing.

> Based on Brad Childress' dishonest handling and undercutting of Tarvaris Jackson, it's obvious he is a racist who hates black people. No, that's not fair. I'm kidding. I can't say that for sure. And don't forget Sage Rosenfels also was handled unfairly. So it's blacks and Jews that Brad Childress hates. That one's a definite. Pass it on.

> First round draft pick Percy Harvin is an explosive wide receiver with a troubled past. But let's cut the kid a break. Consider his life story: He was born in 1988 when Brett Favre was the starting quarterback for Southern Miss, so he has absolutely no recollection of football without Brett Favre. Poor kid. F—king tragic.

> I spotted a luxury bus parked outside the fence at Vikings practice. Beside the cruiser was a large, elderly man peering through the fence and masturbating while Favre went through his reps.

> It's hard not to look at Brett Favre in a Vikings helmet and see the horns as the horns of a demon. Or maybe Satan, Prince of Darkness, himself.

> Vikings owner Zygi Wilf wouldn't tell me what the "W" stands for, but I told him no thanks on the "ILF" part.

Our reporter spent the day at Oakland Raiders training camp in Napa Valley, Calif. Here are his notes.

> Quarterback JaMarcus Russell, the No. 1 overall pick in the 2007 draft, appears to be turning the corner. (There is a Krispy Kreme around the corner from Oakland's training facility.)

> With unemployment near 10-percent nationally, the Raiders fanbase is expected to be more rabid than ever.

> The autumn wind may be a Raider, but the summer wind is definitely a Raider: weak, tepid, somewhat pointless.

> Raiders head coach Tom Cable said that, despite reports, he did not punch assistant coach Randy "Donny" Hanson. However, the two obviously had a strained relationship for quite some time.

> Owner Al Davis said he does not have a problem with his coaches getting in heated arguments. However, he has stated that immediate dismissal will result for anyone who punches a team employee with lady glasses.

> The Raiders were criticized for reaching on first round draft pick Darrius Heyward-Bey, and even more so for their second round pick of Michael Mitchell out of Ohio. And then they were criticized again for Heyward-Bey's massive contract. But Raiders management is adamant that you don't just win more than five games a season by making smart personnel moves, you have to gamble.

Our reporter spent the day at Philadelphia Eagles training camp in Bethlehem, Penn. Here are his notes.

> Michael Vick had a solid first day of practice with some mixed results. On one broken play, he scrambled and picked up 25 yards. On another, he hit rookie Jeremy Maclin in the hands with a pass, Maclin dropped it and Vick shanked him in the back.

> Donovan McNabb told me that the Vick signing does not make him feel that he is being undercut. Or at least I think that's what he was saying. As he was finishing his sentence, Andy Reid ran over and took him out at the knees.

> The Eagles are shocked by the number of injuries they have suffered and their lack of depth threatens to sabotage their season. How could they know people could get hurt playing football?!

> Head coach Andy Reid is signed through the 2010 season with a team option to fire him whenever they want and replace him with Tony Dungy.

> Seventh round pick Moise Fokou was cut after this exchange with linebackers coach Bill Shuey … "Hey, Fow-kow, come here." "It's Fokou, sir." "What did you say to me, rookie?" "Fokou." "No, F—K YOU! You're cut!"

> Rookie receiver Jeremy Maclin has impressed coaches with his speed. I'm not sure if it will be of any use with the five and 10-yard patterns the Eagles run in their offense. But, if they didn't run a stupid offense, he'd be a big weapon.

Our reporter spent the day at Dallas Cowboys training camp in San Antonio. Here are his notes.

> Cowboys coaches say they are happy that Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson separated. They hope it gives Simpson more time to work on her art.

> Players and coaches say they plan to get their Christmas shopping done early this year so they don't have the stress of the holiday season weighing them down in December again.

> The new Cowboys stadium was constructed with a steel-titanium alloy mixed with recycled parts of Jerry Jones' face.

> Longtime safety Roy Williams is gone to the Bengals, meaning Dallas only has one more massively overrated Roy Williams to shed from its payroll.

> I spoke to short yardage back Tashard Choice. He said that if he had his choice, he would not have named himself Tashard.

> With Terrell Owens gone, the Cowboys say their biggest distraction is not being as good as many of their opponents.

Our reporter spent the day at Cleveland Browns training camp in Berea, Ohio. Here are his notes.

> The Derek Anderson-Brady Quinn quarterback battle is nearing its second full week and a clear winner is beginning to emerge: every team who gets to play the Browns this year.

> Former Browns head coach Romeo Crennel is oddly still in his usual spot at training camp: asleep in a golf cart on the sidelines.

> First round draft pick Alex Mack is adjusting nicely to the size of the NFL ball when snapping it through his legs to the quarterback. Great pick.

> Braylon Edwards keeps trying to run a tip drill every time a ball is thrown his way.

> The scene from the final season of "The Sopranos" where they gawk in amazement at Eric Mangini is to that show what a scene in which Jon Hamm's character stares dumbstruck at the playing abilities of Bob Uecker would be to "Mad Men."

> Kellen Winslow is no longer on the team, but the Browns practice facility is still heavily mined. Use caution if you visit!

Our reporter spent the day at San Diego Chargers training camp in San Diego. Here are his notes.

> With the contracts of Philip Rivers, Shawne Merriman, Darren Sproles, Chris Chambers, Vincent Jackson and Marcus McNeill all set to expire after the season, there is a definite sense in Chargers camp that the window of opportunity is closing. Plus, the Broncos, Chiefs and Raiders can't possibly suck to this degree for much longer, right?

> The Chargers are motivated to change the perception that they are soft. As such, they have begun attending therapy sessions to talk about how that perception hurts them.

> Despite turning 30 and coming off the worst season of his career, LaDainian Tomlinson says he is better than ever. And if he can be only 10 times better than Shaun Alexander was under similar circumstances at age 30, the Chargers might have an adequate complimentary back in Tomlinson this year.

> This is a photo I took at camp of Darren Sproles —-> . It is magnified to 200-percent of life-size.

> You know how as a reporter you are supposed to be all impartial and everything? Well, despite all that it took the entirety of my will to stop myself from walking up and kicking Philip Rivers in the nuts.

> They are apparently still letting Norv Turner coach this talented team. Really.

Our reporter spent the day at Houston Texans training camp in Houston. Here are his notes.

> Some 500 fans waited outside the Texans facility yesterday after practice to get player autographs and ask the players if they had any inside hookups for Cowboys tickets.

> Matt Schaub has the starting quarterback job wrapped up, while Dan Orlovsky and Rex Grossman are battling for the third-string job. The backup job has been given to paperwork requesting a forfeit, which will be filed with the league office should Schaub get injured this season and be unable to play.

> Head coach Gary Kubiak is stressing defense in camp and has therefore switched to a hairspray that promises to keep it's hold in rain, wind and extreme humidity.

> Rick Perry, the Republican governor of Texas, has suggested the state could secede. Roger Goodell's wife, Jane Skinner, is an anchor on the Republican cheerleading Fox News. Is this all a plot for Goodell to expand the NFL into a new country?

> Sources say Reggie Bush broke up with Kim Kardashian because Texans defensive end Mario Williams has been doing her this whole time, only much, much better.

> Did you ever notice that the star eye on the Texans logo just makes it look like the steer is dead? Just saying — probably not the best image for a franchise that has never made the playoffs.

Our reporter spent the day at Buffalo Bills training camp in Pittsford, NY. Here are his notes.

> So far, Terrell Owens has nothing negative to say about Trent Edwards. He also doesn’t know Trent Edwards’ name.

> In the hot summer sun, Dick Jauron exudes a strong smell of leather.

> The Bills are considering moving their training camp from Pittsford, as their players are too tempted by the fast-paced lifestyle the town provides in comparison to Buffalo.

> First round draft pick Aaron Maybin appears a little wet behind the ears. He should really dry off better when getting out of the shower. If soap suds dry back there the skin behind his ear lobes will crack. I had that happen to me a few times. Hurts!

> I’m not ashamed to say that slot receiver Josh Reed looks good in a pair of mesh shorts.

> I have a hunch about something about the Bills this year. Not sure what it is. Or is it a who? Could also be a when, I guess.