Filed Under » Tips

With dire warnings about the fate of the environment coming at an ever-increasing clip, it’s a good time for sports fans to start trying to go green. While changing your sports-watching behavior may not sound like the easiest way to help the environment, it’s surprisingly simple. Just follow these simple tips, and Mother Earth will thank you.

Tip #1 — Reduce your paper consumption —In order to save paper, you should stop buying newspapers just to read the sports section. Oh, wait. Off to a good start!

Tip #2 — Plan ahead —Just in case this whole global warming thing comes to pass, start planning ahead for how you can still enjoy your favorite sports if they’re played in 10 feet of water. Bad news on this front: swimming and diving will still be excruciatingly boring to watch.

Tip #3 — Protect animals —Your “D-(fence)” sign is a cruel reminder of years of fenced-in oppression for our animal brothers. May we suggest you switch to a chant of “Free range! Free range!” This change will be most appropriate for fans of Big 12 football.

Tip #4 — Go organic —Convert to organic tailgates. This will help the environment on two fronts: first, you’ll put fewer pesticides into our water, and second, people will stop driving to attend your tailgates.

Tip #5 — Recycle —Remember: just because something is by all indications worthless doesn’t mean you can’t keep recycling it. Just look at Kyle Farnsworth’s career!

Tip #6 — Don't change, adjust—Don’t think that going green means you have to lose all of your beloved traditions. For example, you can still burn couches to celebrate a big win. Just switch from gasoline to biodiesel when you select your accelerant.

Tip #7 — Focus your efforts —Similarly, should you decide to flip over cars as part of your revelry, always target gas-guzzling SUVs. That way if the cops catch you, you weren’t just rioting, you were making a social statement. Go to jail, become a martyr!

Tip #8 — Listen to Al Gore —Take Al Gore with you to games. This one doesn’t really have anything to do with the environment; he just makes awesome jokes about the on-field action and knows a lot about the intricacies of the Cover-2. Gus Johnson wishes he was this excitable.

Tip #9 — Use the power of words—If it snows during a game, laugh and say, “I guess global warming’s not real!” Remember, phrasing a statement in the form of a hackneyed, unfunny joke makes it true.

Tip #10 — Eat local —Never forget the importance of eating local. When you’re at a game, refuse to eat nachos whose cheese wasn’t produced in a petrochemical plant located within a 50-mile radius of the stadium.

Tip #11 — Stay informed —Keep yourself better informed about the earth’s loss of biodiversity by starting a fantasy league that guesses the next animal to go extinct. Polar bears, you’re like Adrian Peterson and Albert Pujols rolled into one doomed species! Now don't not die on me, I picked you No. 1 overall!

Tip #12 — Reduce waste — Switch your Super Bowl squares pool from wasteful posterboard to an earth-friendlier whiteboard. (Or at least say that’s why you’re doing it. The real benefit is that this switch makes cheating much, much easier. Also, the marker sniffing.)

Tip #13 — Know your place —If you were one of the early adopters of more casual, greener sports, don’t smugly ask us what we think of your hacky sack and disc golf now. The answer: they’re still lame.

Tip #14 — Be an activist —Encourage your favorite MLB club to switch to an organic farm system. Don’t tell us that a sack of pesticide-free oats wouldn’t be an upgrade over the Royals’ current shortstops.

Tip #15 — Limit emissions —Methane is one of the gases that may accelerate global warming. Time to rethink that game-day pot of chili.

Tip #16 — Use alternative energy sources —For instance: the wind generated by Ryan Howard’s whiffs alone can generate enough electricity to power the city of Philadelphia for a month, not including Cole Hamels' blow-dryer or hot iron.

Tip #17 — Encourage research —If global warming comes to pass, we’ll need to know how athletes will perform under much warmer climatic conditions. This gives us an excuse to do what we’ve always wanted to: put Brett Favre on a rocket to the sun.

It's a new year. Time to get in shape!

Thanks to SportsPickle you can go from fat and dumpy to sleek and muscular in just TWO EASY STEPS! And only 20 MINUTES!

No, you get out. It's true! Here's how.

STEP 1 — Take a BEFORE picture

Having a particularly shameful Before picture is the key to any good program that produces noticeable results. But just like how there is a right way and a wrong way to eat, run and lift weights, there is a right way and a wrong way to take a Before picture. Here is the right way:

— Go to an area with terrible lighting — If you have an abandoned building in your neighborhood, one with just a single lightbulb that hangs from the ceiling, this is where you want to take your Before picture. Ask a crackhead to take the shot. Barring that, standing in your hallway using just the light from a hallway closet works well. Wherever it is that you take your Before shot, the key is to make sure the light is not flattering in any way. You want to be lit so your body casts a lot of shadows. And turn the flash off on your camera.

— Push your stomach out as far as possible — More, more, more. There you go. You look like a pregnant fat chick now.

— Pull in your chin — Even skinny people like you can look like they have a double-chin! Just pull in your chin so your neck skin bulges out below it. There. Perfect. Disgusting.

— Slump your shoulders — This is where the work starts to get hard. Pushing out your stomach, pulling in your chin and slumping your shoulders all at once can be hard. Be careful you don't break a sweat. That would be like a real workout. Plus, glistening does not come into the program until the AFTER picture.

— Cover yourself in hair — A bad beard or goatee can make you look depressed. And grow out your chest hair, too. Hair on your chest and stomach conceals any definition you have in your pecs and abs. Note: the beard and chest hair thing goes double for women. Not having hairy boobs in your after picture will be part of an amazing transformation!

— Consider wearing loose-fitting clothing — So you've done all this and you STILL look like you're in pretty good shape. No problem. Drape yourself in a 5XL t-shirt. No way people will know you're in shape under that thing. Only obese people wear shirts that size!!! Maybe add a few food stains for extra effect. And a few couch cushions under your shirt.

— Take the picture! — You're done with Step 1. Great work! Now it's time for Step 2.

STEP 2 — Take an AFTER picture

While your BEFORE picture is uploading to your computer, you can quickly get ready for your AFTER picture, which is where all of your hard work pays off! Here's how:

— Shave —Shave off that beard and shave off your chest and stomach hair. Ladies, be careful with the breasts. If you cut yourself and scar, everyone will assume you got a boob job. It's bad enough that you apparently have chest hair. Eww.

— Get a spray-on tan — Getting a real tan would require a few weeks of appointments at the tanning salon. That's insane. This is a 20-minute plan. Just try not to get any in your eyes, nose or mouth because that stuff causes cancer. (Note: no studies have proven that it causes cancer, per se, but we can assume that if there is a God or karma, people who regularly get spray-on tans will get cancer, no?)

— Cover yourself in oil — Everyone knows that people who are in shape glisten like strippers. I won't explain why because it's so logical I don't have to.

— Find some flattering light — I'm talking really flattering. Like, if your lighting is not set up by the same guy who does the lighting for Sports Illustrated swimsuit shoots, you're not doing it right. The beams of light should shine down on you and essentially orally pleasure your body. And our eyes.

— Give your camera to someone who can take a quick picture because …

— You have to suck in everything you've got! NOW!— Stand up straight. Suck in that stomach. Push out your chest. Lift up your chin. And flex every muscle in your arms and legs. Ohmigod! You're not breathing! You're going to pass out! CLICK. Picture taken.

There you have it! You're done! Just upload your AFTER picture now, print it out with your BEFORE picture and …

WOW!

Look at you! Your body has completed a total transformation! In just 20 minutes! You look amazing.

And it's all thanks to SportsPickle. You're welcome.

Christmas is almost here. Many of you may be done all of your shopping, but chances are you still need a gift or two.

Well, you're in luck! Here are some great last-minute gift ideas for the sports fan on your list.

1. Utility infielder — Great for the baseball fan who has everything! Utility infielders aren't too expensive, take up very little space, hustle on every play, and usually don't care if you forget to play with them. Also, many are bilingual! (Chewing tobacco purchased separately.)

2. Complete crap — On a tight budget? Do not fear! Buy a complete piece of crap. Like, say … a plastic cup. BUT — now here's the trick — slap some sort of NASCAR sticker on it. Lookie there! You ain't got yourself crap no more! You got yourself a guldarn collectible!

3. Sports arena — If size isn't a concern, consider purchasing a sports arena. The Pontiac Silverdome in Michigan is the former home of the Lions and Pistons; it hosted a Super Bowl, NCAA Tournament games, the NBA All-Star Game, even World Cup matches. And it recently sold for $583,000. So it's off the market, but in this economy you can probably get any other sports venue in Michigan for that price or cheaper. Wait until you see the look on your loved one's face when you tell him his flag football league will now be playing all of their games at Ford Field!

4. "Training a Tiger: A Father's Guide to Raising a Winner in Both Golf and Life" by Earl Woods — Another great gift if you're on a budget! You can probably find this on any bargain rack or in any book store dumpster. And so what if no one has time to read books anymore? Just tell your friend to read the part about raising a winner in golf. The life part obviously doesn't have any good tips.

5. Shake Weight — From tennis and golf, to baseball and hockey, your active sports fan needs strong forearms. So buy them the Shake Weight! But do not be fooled by imitators. Such as the Masturbator 5000. Or the Practice Whack. Or the Giant Vibrating Dildo.

6. Football snack helmet

It looks like a regular football helmet, but lift off the top and — voila! — it's has a compartment for holding chips and dip! The one pictured here has chips in it. But I like to fill my football snack helmet with guacamole. It reminds me to be grateful that the players I'm watching are suffering debilitating concussions for my entertainment. Thanks, fellas!

7. Customized Fathead

Think you need to be a famous athlete to get a Fathead? You are wrong! WRONG! Now you can upload any picture and have it made into a customized Fathead! Consider getting one done of your sports fan friend! It will be just like him. Only life-sized!

8. Nothing

You're looking to buy a gift for a sports fan? What, are you gay or something? That's so gay, man. They just wanted to watch the game, kick back and have a few beers with you, complain about how their girlfriend doesn't get them, and jump up and down together and hug after a score. And maybe wrestle on the floor some with your shirts off. You know, if you're up for that. Your gift could totally gay all that up.

9. NFL shaft cooler

So maybe you do still get a gift. And after all that wrestling, your friend might need a shaft cooler.

10. Book an athlete appearance

Many sports stars are available for public appearances and, for the right price, would surely come over on Christmas morning. Interested in getting Darrell Waltrip? He's available for $50,000-plus. Too rich for you? Then how about Josh Davis for $5,000-$10,000? That gets you some guy who I never heard of, but apparently won some swimming medals 13 years ago. Awesome! Or, better yet, pop on over to Motivational-Celebrity-Speakers.com where they are still booking events for Kirby Puckett. Really. It's the magic of Christmas!

I am a baseball player. But if there is one thing the game has taught me, it's not a lesson about competition or sportsmanship or being a man or anything like that.

It's that you might have to fight an old person at a moment's notice.

Game 3 of the 2003 ALCS … did I go to the park that day expecting to fight Don Zimmer? Not really. But then one thing led to another and I had to throw that 72-year-old man to the ground.

Live and learn.

Now I'm ready to kick an old person's ass at any moment. And you can be, too.

In all likelihood, your days of being able to grasp athletic glory for yourself are all but gone. That doesn’t mean you can’t find a way to pull on a new championship ring each season, though. Just get involved in coaching youth sports! It’s a good way to help spread your passion for the game to a younger generation, but even more importantly, it’s a great opportunity for you to win, thereby proving what a successful, awesome person you are.

Luckily for you, years of movies and television shows have given us a crystal clear road map to youth sports success. Follow these steps, and you’ll be getting doused in Gatorade before you know it.

Step 1: Become an Alcoholic —There’s only one kind of coach who wins youth league championships: the kind who’s coaching to help him forget about his personal demons. Ideally, you’ll already have some demons; anything from a failed pro sports career to a cheating ex-wife will do.

If you need to manufacture such a tormented past, we recommend drinking. More specifically, drinking scotch. Lots of it. Be careful here, as you don’t want to reach the point of liver failure. Three to five years with a daily intake of one to two quarts of the cheapest scotch you can find should do the trick nicely.

Step 2: Give Up The Booze —Eventually, you’re going to need to drunkenly look in the mirror and make the sincere decision to clean up your act. And what better way to occupy yourself while you stay clean than coaching a kids’ team?

Step 3: Recruit a Fat Kid —If our comprehensive review of sports movies has taught us nothing else, it’s that your new team needs a fat kid. A real porker. A full-on LardyPants who’s perpetually out of breath. It seems counterintuitive that you absolutelymusthave one player who hides Twinkies in between his three chins, but don’t challenge the sports gods on this one.

Step 4: Fill Out the Roster — Now that you’ve got Tubso on board, you can flesh out the depth chart as you see fit. However, try to make sure each player fits into one of these rigid categories: Rich Kid, Poor Kid, Kids Whose Dad is in Jail, Vaguely Ethnic Kid, Kid with Comical Speech Impediment, Twin, Other Twin, and Nerd. Once you’ve assembled this murderers’ row of stock characters, you can…

Step 5: Have a Disastrous Training Camp —We’re all familiar with the old adage “You practice like you play.” Chuck that tired cliché out the window, though. If sports movies have taught us anything, it’s that championship teamsalwayshave horrendous training camps. Players running to third base on hits, quarterbacks punting the ball away on second down…the more clueless your squad is during training camp, the better. (Note: This tactic doesn’t work for pro teams. Good try, though, 2009 Tampa Bay Bucs.)

Step 6: Go on a Losing Streak —Nobody likes a wire-to-wire leader, so it’s come-from-behind underdogs who really inspire us. So you’re going to need to drop some games. Lots of them. Luckily, a horrible training camp and the presence of the fat kid are usually worth a three-game losing streak, bare minimum.

Step 7: Pick a Martyr —Look, there's no easy way to say this, but if you want for this story to have emotional resonance – and the accompanying victories – someone's going to have to croak. Find someone who's willing to take the ultimate one for the team, preferably a player whose on-field performance was middling but who had a reputation as "the real heart and soul of the team. (A quick rule of thumb to help you find your martyr: 90% of the time this player will be white.)

Remember, this is sad, unsettling business, and if you could win that league championship without intentionally rupturing the gas lines in your player’s house, you would. Remind yourself this is necessary, though, and don’t forget to wipe down any fingerprints you might have left at the scene. You’re trying to win a title here, not spend upwards of three years in jail.

Step 8: Rally Around Your Martyr —After the funeral, have a somber meeting with your team. Tell them that you’ll understand if they don’t want to go on without their fallen teammate, but that you really think this is what Joey would have wanted. When the kids remind you that the martyr’s name was Jimmy, not Joey, point out that wherever he is, he probably doesn’t care what you call him. Now, do they want to keep playing or not?

Your team will invariably tell you they want to keep playing to honor their fallen comrade. Perfect. Now’s the time to…

Step 9: Make an Improbable Playoff Run —At this point, your suddenly inspired team is going to start winning games. Lots of them. It’s just going to magically start happening, and you won’t have to do any actual coaching to pick up these victories. In fact, you might want to put a Sudoku on your clipboard so you’ll look busy on the sideline when the games start winning themselves. You’ll quickly find yourself in the championship game, at which point you should…

Step 10: Fall Behind in the Championship Game —At the beginning of the championship game, have your team works its way into a hole, the deeper the better. A deficit of 42-0 or so should properly set the stage for a dramatic comeback. At halftime, give your players a rousing speech in which you tell them that you don’t care whether they win or lose, you’re just so proud of them for coming this far. (Note: this is a lie. You are desperately interested in whether they win or lose, and if they can’t make this comeback, you’ll be damned if you see those little twerps get so much as a post-game orange slice.) Now, just sit back and…

Step 11: Win the Championship Game —Again, the X’s and O’s of this win pretty much take care of themselves, so don’t concern yourself with in-game strategy. Spend most of the second half clapping, cheering, and wondering where you’re going to put your new championship trophy.

Congrats, Coach! You did it! Oh, God, what are the cops doing there? Didn’t we tell you to wipe off any prints? What? Security camera footage? Ah, man, this is bad. Maybe they’re bluffing. And if they’re not? That 10-year sentence will give you plenty of time to learn the intricacies of the wildcat offense in time for your next championship campaign.

Are you unemployed? Or stuck in a job you hate? Trying desperately to break into the sports industry despite not having any business skills, athletic ability, or an eighth-grade education? Don’t give up just yet. There’s still one avenue you probably haven’t tried: ticket scalping! Follow these easy steps, and you’ll be exploiting your fellow fans in no time!

Step #1:Buy a Pair of Mirrored Sunglasses. March yourself down to the closest drugstore and buy the cheapest pair of reflective shades you can find. From now on, these are you uniform, and you’ll never be taking them off. Nighttime, poorly lit bars, the shower stall at the local truck stop where you bathe…these are all perfectly acceptable contexts for mirrored sunglasses now that you’re a scalper.

Your new shades serve a dual purpose: they keep potential customers from seeing your constantly shifting eyes while also hiding the tears that will inevitably well up from time to time due to your miserable existence. Oh, and sunglassesalwaysmake you look super cool.

Step #2:Revamp Your Wardrobe. Go to your closet (or the old wine cooler box where you store your clothes) and toss out anything that was made after 1995. Potential buyers will be skeptical if you look like a fatcat, so if Tony Gwynn couldn’t have worn it during the MLB strike, pitch it. Layer a Members Only jacket over a Hypercolor shirt, and you’re ready to rock. If you really want to become a scalping legend it might not hurt to grow a fuzzy, patchy mustache.

Step #3: Practice Your Pitch. The most important thing about scalping isn’t the price you offer to customers, but the whiny responses you make to their lower counteroffers. Stare at your reflection in a mirror or puddle and work on delivering indignant lines that show just how pitiful the customers’ offers are.

Remember, the most convincing arguments end with “here.” Some suggestions: “Ugh, you’re killing me here!” “You’re really breaking my balls here, you know that?” and “Look, buddy, I’m just trying to make a living here.” (Note: this last one is not true. If you were really trying to make a living here you wouldn’t have dropped out of junior college because you were sure that you’d perfected your NFL gambling system.)

Step #4:Work On Your Marketing. “But wait! I don’t have a lot of money for a marketing plan!” Don’t worry; you don’t need any. Simply use your box cutter – it should go without saying that as a scalper you need to carry a box cutter at all times – to craft a small cardboard sign reading “Need Tickets.”

“But wait! I don’t need tickets; I want to sell them!” Every scalper worth his weight in upper-deck Royals tickets knows that the “Need Tickets” sign is really just a subtle ploy to keep the cops off of your back. Scalping may be illegal in many jurisdictions, but needing tickets? That’s a common problem to which everyone can relate. The beautiful thing about the “Need Tickets” sign is that the police havenever figured out that it really means you’re scalping! What a bunch of chumps, right?

Step #5:Acquire a Seating Chart. If fans are going to buy tickets from you, they’re going to want to know where they’ll be sitting. We know, it’s totally unreasonable of them. They should just be happy you’re willing to sell them tickets for a nominal convenience fee. You’ll need a seating chart for the arena or stadium where you’re planning on selling. Ideally, this chart should have been folded and stuffed into your pocket so many hundred times that it is no longer legible, which will make your promise that “Section 519 is courtside, baby!” seem more reasonable.

Step #6:Hone Your Vocabulary. Like a lot of jobs, scalping has a specialized lingo known only to its practitioners. Luckily for you, it’s pretty easy to learn. The system works as follows:

> “Lower Level” – Any seat that’s not on the roof.

> “Together” – The seats are probably located within the same arena, but you don’t want to make any promises.

> “Unobstructed view” – The seats offer a clear, unobstructed view of a reinforced concrete pillar supporting the upper deck.

Step #7:Rob a Liquor Store.Look, nobody said this was going to be easy. To start a business, you’re going to need some operating capital, and this is literally the only way to get it. Don’t feel bad about stealing; this is how Henry Ford got his start. (Probably.) Bust in with guns drawn and clean out the registers. Grab a bottle of root beer schnapps for yourself to help you unwind.

Step #8:Acquire Some Tickets. Take your pilfered cash to the box office and buy up some tickets. How many? A whole mess should do.

Step #9: Hit the Marketplace.It’s game time, baby. Take your sign, your seating chart, and your tickets down to the stadium and mill around outside. As hopeful looking fans approach in search of tickets, hold up your “Need Tickets” sign and loudly say, “I NEED TICKETS!” in case any potential customers can’t read.

Step #10: Revise Their Expectations. So a customer has approached you. Great! You’ve hooked a fish, and now it’s up to you to get him onto the boat. Generally, the customer will ask you what you’ve got. At this point, you should offer them “two seats right on the home dugout, first row.” You could probably let them go for, oh, twelve hundred apiece.

“But wait, I don’t have those tickets!” you’re probably saying. Don’t worry. Nobody but idiots and Lorne Michaels would pay that much for tickets. What you’ve done, though, is raise their price expectations. Now any ticket you offer them will sound like a great deal. They’re actually saving money by not buying those $1200 tix, so why not shell out a little extra?

Step #11:Seal the Deal. Now you’ve got them right where you want them. Offer them a good (terrible) deal on some great (awful) seats. When the buyer inevitably balks, go back to one of the indignant responses you’ve practiced. Let the guy know that he reallyisbreaking your balls. Make him believe it. Make him feel your pain. Then make him give you a hundred bucks for a bleacher seat to a Pirates game.

Make sure you get at least a 50% markup over what you paid for the tickets, but hey, you know what? You like the guy’s face, so you’ll take off five bucks a seat. It always helps to offer some little discount like this to help the buyer feel better about his purchase.

(Note: Put some thought into why you tell customers you’re giving them a break. You may think those Native American customers will appreciate you giving them a discount “from one scalper to another,” but trust us, they won’t.)

Once you’ve got the tickets in the guy’s hand and the money in your wallet, make sure you tell him to enjoy the game. Sure, it’s going to be tough for him to enjoy the game while sitting on a metal folding chair behind an air conditioning duct, but it could happen. At least he’s there seeing it live and in person.

Step #12:Celebrate! You just sold two tickets? Time for a celebration. That’s like twenty dollars pure profit in the bank for you, man. Don’t get too complacent, though. You’ve still got dozens of tickets to hustle for this game. And the next one. And that Bon Jovi show next month. Anybody need tickets?

Hi, this is Brady Quinn, quarterback for the Cleveland Browns. But you may know me better from Notre Dame, or from my Subway or EAS commercials.

Either way, you know me … and that means you know my muscles, too. They're huge. And you don't get muscles this big without working out. Hard.

Today's workout? The bench.

Follow these tips and soon enough you'll be as good on the bench as I am.

5 BENCH TIPS — by Brady Quinn

Step 1 — Stretch!

Stretching is an important part of any workout. I like to play two quarters of a football game to stretch. Sometimes I play more, but usually I am pulled after two quarters and sent to the bench.

Step 2 — Work those biceps and triceps!

The Cleveland Browns are not much of a team. Most of us hate each other. We fight all the time. Constant losing does that to a team, you know? So when I get sent to the bench, my teammates usually mock me with stuff like: "Hey, Brady, which way to the bench?" My response? "The bench is thattaway!" When delivering the line, start with a strong bicep curl and then extend the arm to point to the bench, working your triceps.

Step 3 — Blast your quads!

Now it's time to sit on the bench. Spread your legs about shoulder-width apart and sit back and down onto the bench. Recline slowly to really burn your quads, as this will be only one repetition — you'll be here on the bench the rest of the day, unfortunately.

Step 4 — Focus on your core!

Strong core muscles are the key to any fit body. Once you are sitting on the bench, you'll want to lean forward and and put your head in your hands to show your disappointment about sucking. Make sure to contract your abs when doing this. Then, after a few minutes, sit back up straight. Contract your lower back muscles to do this move. Next, just wait a minute or two for your teammates to do something embarrassing on the field and contract those abs again down to shamed head-holding. You will do this move an indefinite amount of times each game. You'll have a six-pack by midseason!

Step 5 — Don't forget cardio!

Too many bodybuilders forget about cardio. Not only is cardio good for your health and your heart, it's imperative to getting really cut. I do my cardio at the end of my bench workout. You should do the same. If the game is over, it's time to get up off the bench and run into the locker room. Need extra motivation to hit top speed? Listen to the crowd.

"You suck, Brady!"

"I hate you, Browns! I hate you with all my heart!"

"You look like a horse, Quinn!"

Run! Run! Run away from these mean people!