Filed Under » Tim Tebow

The Big East football media day was held this week in New York. Was Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow a unanimous selection to the all-conference team?

Let's take a look at how each coach voted.

Brian Kelly, Cincinnati: Tim Tebow, Florida

Randy Edsall, Connecticutt: Tim Tebow, Florida

Steve Kragthorpe, Louisville: Tim Tebow, Florida

Dave Wannstedt, Pitt: Tim Tebow, Florida

Greg Schiano, Rutgers: Tim Tebow, Florida

Jim Leavitt, South Florida: Tim Tebow, Florida

Doug Marrone, Syracuse: Bill Stull, Pitt

Bill Stewart, West Virginia: Tim Tebow, Florida

WHAT?! This doesn't make any sense! One of them voted for Bill Stull??? That guy is horrible. I demand a full explanation.

Our perfect hero is not perfect. Our emperor has no eyes.

Yes, it has been confirmed: Tim Tebow is nearsighted. So where does this leave us?

Well, the world is a horrible, dark place full of misery, death and hopelessness. The one god-like person we thought could save us all — our supposed messiah, Tim Tebow — can't even see who he's throwing to on a fly pattern. #!@#!

So we're all doomed. And we're all going to die. Horribly and painfully. And probably sooner rather than later.

On the bright side, if you're one of the poverty-stricken boys Tebow circumcised in Indonesia last summer, chances are his nearsightedness makes it likely he didn't mutilate your junk too bad. So that's a check in the plus category.

Steve Spurrier confirmed today that he was the coach who left Tim Tebow off the ballot for 1st Team All-SEC quarterback. Spurrier accidentally submitted Mississippi's Jevan Snead.

It turns out the Ol' Ball Coach has a bit of a track record with such mistakes. Look at the Personality section of his Bio in the South Carolina media guide:

Favorite Movie: 2 Fast 2 Furious

Favorite Food: poison

Favorite Drink: liquid poison

Favorite Leisure Activity: colonoscopy

Favorite Book: "Reader's Digest Condensed USA Todays"

Favorite Baby:Any but the Baby Jesus. I hate that stupid Baby Jesus.

Personal Hero: Can cancer be a hero?

Career Highlight: My tenure with the Washington Redskins

Favorite Kind Of Large Lizard With Big Teeth: crocodile

Favorite Way To Shade Your Eyes From The Sun While Still Allowing The Top Of Your Head To Breathe: I got nothing here. ??????

After Tim Tebow's Florida Gators lost to Ole Miss last year, he famously made "The Pledge" — a promise that fueled the Gators to the national title and is now forever memorialized in plaque form on Florida's campus.

Today Tebow made a new pledge at SEC media day and vowed he will remain a virgin until he is married.

I wasn't there to hear Tebow's comments, but I imagine they went something like this:

To the fans and everybody in Gator Nation, I'm horny. I'm extremely horny.

You were hoping to do me. That was your goal, something no one has ever done to me down there.

I promise you one thing: a lot of good will come out of this. You will never see any player in the entire country play as hard as I will this season. You will never see someone with more untapped energy and frustration as I will have this season and until I get married.

You will never see a guy harder than I will be the rest of the season. And I mean that literally. I am so hard right now.

Goddam!

Tim Tebow may have two national titles. He may have a Heisman. He may stand 6-foot-3, 240 pounds. But he could be much more intimidating.

It's that John 3:16 eye black. God giving his only son? Everlasting life? Sounds kind of … soft.

Tebow would be much scarier if he barreled downfield with one of these verses stuck to his face.

Deuteronomy 23:2 – No one whose testicles have been crushed or whose penis has been cut off may be admitted into the community of the Lord.

2 Kings 2:23-24 – From there Elisha went up to Bethel. While he was on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him. “Go up, baldhead,” they shouted, “go up, baldhead!” The prophet turned and saw them, and he cursed them in the name of the Lord. Then two she-bears came out of the woods and tore 42 of the children to pieces.

Ezekiel 23:19-20 – But she played the harlot all the more, recalling the days of her girlhood, when she had been a harlot in the land of Egypt. She lusted for the lechers of Egypt, whose genitals are as large as those of donkeys, and whose seminal emission is as that of stallions.

Psalm 137:9 - Happy are those who seize your children and smash them against a rock.

If Tebow wants to get people talking about Scripture, which is an admirable goal, those are some verses that will do it far better than John 3:16 will. So, Tim, I’ve done the groundwork for you. You take it from here (or I will smash your future children’s testicles against a rock for being baldhead harlots whose seminal emission is as that of stallions. Stallions, Tim! Stallions!).