Florida quarterback and 2007 Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow wowed scouts at the Senior Bowl in Mobile today when he showed off a picture of an aborted, third trimesterfetus.
Before engaging in seven-on-seven passing drills, Tebow took a moment to address scouts personally.
“I know that a lot of people have derided my footwork, and my throwing mechanics,” said Tebow, who holds every major SEC passing record, yet cannot throw a football without both his feet leaving the ground.“But, before you judge me as a football player, I’d like to show you this.”Tebow then unveiled a color photograph of a bloodyfetushe named “Julia”.
“Look at her,” said Tebow.“She has fingernails, fingers, toes.She can even cough, just like you and I.Now you look at this picture and tell me I can’t help a team in the NFL.”
Scouts were blown away by Tebow’s display.Said one anonymous scout for an AFC team, “I thought he threw the ball like a man with Bell’s Palsy, but then I realized what a good person he is.It really opened my eyes.We should totally draft him now.”
Other scouts agreed.“I had originally clocked Tebow at 5.1 in the 40.But then he talked about how his own mother refused to abort him, even though doctors warned her she might die from complications.What a fine example this young man sets for us all.I’m totally changing his 40 time to 4.6 now.That’s definite first round material, right there.”
Scouts also noticed that their opinions of Tebow’s footwork, which is sloppier than a Manwich, wildly improved the more Tebow discussed introducing death row inmates to the power of evangelical Christianty.“Usually, I watch Tebow play and all I can think, ‘Oh, God.He’s like Rick Mirer, only slower,’” said one NFC scout.“But this guy has such courage in his convictions.How can you not draft a guy like that?”
Scouts also watched as Tebow bench pressed 225 pounds six times.“Normally, for QB’s, that fairly average,” said the scout.“But when you think about all those starving kids in Malaysia he’s helped introduce to the power of his Lord and savior Jesus Christ, my goodness he certainly FELT stronger than all the other QBs out there.”
“I may not agree with his views,” said the scout, “But I respect the hell out of him.You talk about a leader.That’s why I’m going to totally shave an extra tenth of a second off his lousy shuttle run time.For Julia.”
Tim Tebow is under the watchful eye of NFL scouts at the Senior Bowl. One scout gave SportsPickle access to his notes on the former Florida star.
Tim Tebow lost. And his crying proved he took the defeat pretty hard.
Thankfully, the noted Biblical eye black enthusiast can work his way through the 5 Stages of Grief by sporting an appropriate verse on his face for each stage.
Glad to help, Tim!
Stage 1: Denial and Isolation
PHILIPPIANS 4:13: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I know you have this one already. You've worn it before. Now you can wear it again. The object of the sentence "I" reflects your feelings of isolation. And I think we can agree the thought that you "can do all things" is pretty fitting for denial in light of your performance in the SEC Championship Game, yes?
Stage 2: Anger
PSALM 137:9:Happy are those who seize your children and smash them against a rock.
DEUTERONOMY 23:2: No one whose testicles have been crushed or whose penis has been cut off may be admitted into the community of the Lord.
They're both plenty angry. Like, terrifyingly angry. As you can see. But I'd probably go with Deuteronomy 23:2 in your case. You know, what with your history with the penises and the cutting.
Stage 3: Bargaining
DEUTERONOMY 3:23-25: At that time I pleaded with the Lord: "O Sovereign Lord, you have begun to show to your servant your greatness and your strong hand. For what god is there in heaven or on earth who can do the deeds and mighty works you do? Let me go over and see the good land beyond the Jordan that fine hill country and Lebanon."
Great job attempting to kiss up with the "O Sovereign Lord" and "your greatness" and the "what god is there in heaven or on earth who can do the deeds and mighty works you do?" Well done. It won't work. You still lost. Decisively. But good try anyway. (Oh, and just a theological note: In Biblical times, I think "Jordan" was the SEC and "Lebanon" hosted the BCS title game. I think.)
Stage 4: Depression
JOHN 11:35: Jesus wept.
You weren't the only one crying at the end of that loss, Tim. Your No. 1 fan surely shed some tears, too.
Stage 5: Acceptance
JOB 29:2-3: How I long for the months gone by, for the days when God watched over me, when his lamp shone upon my head and by his light I walked through darkness!
PSALM 34:18: The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Apt. Both of them. But you should probably go with the second one. That one you can leave on your face for a while. You know, 'cause it will work for you at the NFL Draft, too.
Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow saw his senior season take another negative turn today when he was suspended by Florida for a vicious foreskin gouge during Saturday's game against Georgia.
Tebow's dirty play came the possession after teammate Brandon Spikes eye-gouged Georgia running back Washaun Ealey. And while Ealey was not seriously injured on the play, the recipient of of Tebow's gouge, Bulldogs linebacker Jermichael Rogers, had his foreskin ripped right off the shaft of his penis in an explosion of blood and screams.
Tebow gouged Rogers' foreskin during a pileup in the second quarter for a loose ball. He said his training as a moyel while doing missionary work in Indonesia caused him to instinctually react towards Rogers' penile hood.An enraged Tebow, covered in blood, emerged from the pile with the ball. And also part of Rogers.The former Heisman winner will be suspended for the first half of this week's game against Vanderbilt, as will Spikes for his act.
An emotional Tebow immediately expressed remorse following the game.
"I accept responsibility for my actions and I accept the consequences of my actions," he said. "I would like to apologize to my team and the coaching staff and to Jermichael Rogers and his foreskin. Football is a very physical and emotional game, but there is no excuse for my actions. Although I am sure he will find his penis to be far more hygienic now without all that soap and lint and semen and sweat and bacteria getting trapped in there. At least it will be more hygienic once all the scabs come off."
Tebow's pledge is being placed on a plaque which will be mounted outside the entrance to the University of Florida's Department of Science and Anatomy building.
It's true. He could be dead within minutes.
According to ESPN.com, Tebow has travelled separately to Kentucky for Florida's game today because he is ill. It's not the swine flu, they say. But they don't know what it is. (I say it's acute kryptonitis.)
But all we do know if that Our Lord And Savior Tim Tebow IS DYING! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Yeah, so we're doomed.
But, hey, Florida fans look on the bright side!
Your/our hero is dying, but you're still playing Kentucky. They suck. And the rest of your roster is still ridiculously stacked with talent. At the end of the day, you'll still be the No. 1 ranked team in the nation.
Everybody sing together!!!
Jacksonville Jaguars owner Wayne Weaver announced today that his team will wear a new blue and orange alternate jersey for the remainder of the season. Each jersey will also have the number 15 on it and the name "TEBOW" on the back.
"Many teams do throwback jerseys," said Weaver. "But our franchise hasn't been around very long. Our jersey is the same. I'm kind of looking at this as the first throw-ahead jersey. Well, hopefully."
As the Jaguars continue to fail to draw fans to their home games or generate much interest at all in north Florida, Weaver has recently expressed a desire to draft the Florida Gators star in a move he hopes will create a fan base for his team.
Current Jaguars quarterback David Garrard says he is not surprised by the move to the alternate Tebow jerseys.
"Wayne has been on this big Tebow push for weeks," says Garrard. "He'll call me at all hours of the day and say: 'Hey, David. What do you think about playing quarterback a bit more Tebow-y?' And I'll ask him what he means by 'Tebow-y.' And he says: 'You know awesome.'"
While reaction to the new jersey among Jaguars players is mixed, at best, Weaver says he has already noticed a huge increase in ticket sales for the next home game.
"We got three calls for single-game tickets before lunch today," he said. "One time, our receptionist even had to put someone on hold! That's never happened for us before. I'm even considering getting a second phone line in our ticket sales department."
Jacksonville's opponents also expect a noticeable change.
"I told my team that they don't look very good on film," said Gary Kubiak, head coach of the Texans, Jacksonville's next opponent. "But when they all take the field in those Tebow jerseys, they're going to be very intimidating. And they'll have God on their side, too."
Garrard, who says he realizes his days are probably numbered in Jacksonville, will try to be a good employee and grant his boss' wishes to play more "Tebow-y."
"I guess it can't hurt, you know?" says Garrard. "Tebow does win. But I'm not, under any circumstances, doing that jump-pass thing of his. That is beyond gay. I do have some self-respect."
A day after Jacksonville Jaguars owner Wayne Weaver said his team will consider drafting Tim Tebow this year to invigorate the franchise's flagging fanbase, the Florida Gators quarterbacked reacted strongly.
"I am a big fan or murder. I do it a lot myself, in fact," said Tebow during a press conference broadcast only to the Jacksonville area. "I also enjoy interceptions. Many times I throw a football wildly into a playground, striking a child in the head and killing it. This hobby of mine combines my two great loves: murder and inaccurate passing."
Then Tebow really tried to show the Jaguars he's not the person they think he is and said the the first curse word of his life: "Farts!" he yelled. "Gosh golly farts! If I was an NFL team, I wouldn't draft me. I'm too big of a risk. Farts!"
At the same time Tebow was holding his Jacksonville-targeted press conference, representatives of the quarterback were contacting NFL front offices to inform them that his comments were merely a ploy to have the Jaguars lose interest in his services.
"Most of the teams I spoke to told me that this actually improves their impression of Tim," said Tebow's mother, Pam. "They want players who want to play for winners. They said anyone who doesn't want to play for the Jaguars is their kind of player."
Tebow said he thinks his press conference will be successful in keeping him away from Jacksonville. But he also admits he may have gone too far.
"Cursing felt so good," said Tebow. "I've been waiting my whole life to do something naughty. Farts! And now I have. Farts! And it feels amazing. Farts! Farts! Farts!"
The Gators star says he is fighting the urge to go to a nearby playground and throw a pass into a bunch of kids.
"I don't want to kill one," he said. "Just maybe make one of them cry. Maybe some blood. I think it would be fun. I'm just on such a high from doing something bad. I feel so free! Flatulence!"