"I know Bill [Belichick] and Josh McDaniels had hopes that Tim would add another element to our offense, but we've won many games without him over the years. We'll be fine," said Kraft. "And the State Department was adamant that I do everything in my power to make this disagreement over the ring go away. I think this is a good resolution."
Kraft had previously claimed that Putin stole his ring during a 2005 meeting in Moscow, whereas Putin's representatives insisted Kraft gave it to the Russian leader as a gift. The truth may never be revealed now that both men say they are moving on.
"I am very glad with receiving this Tebow," said Putin. "He is an American superhero, yes? I think we could have much use for him here in Russia. We will test him and use him to achieve many glorious aims of the motherland."
Opinion Why Three-Time Super Bowl Champion Bill Belichick is Wrong and Tim Tebow Sucks - by your friend Steve
by your friend Steve
You gotta be kidding me? The Patriots signed Tebow? Is this some kind of joke?
Tim Tebow is the worst player in the NFL. That's a fact.
He can't throw like an NFL quarterback and any "success" he had with the Broncos was thanks to his defense bailing him out. Anyone who says differently is a moron who worships at the alter of Tebow and thinks the three quarters before the fourth quarter don't exist.
Now we can add Bill Belichick to the list of Tebow-loving idiots.
Once, a very long time ago now, Belichick won three Super Bowls. Now he rarely gets through the later rounds of the playoffs or he loses in the Super Bowl. The game has passed him by. This Tebow-signing confirms it. Like Tebow's defense bailing him out, you have to start wondering if Belichick's "success" is all due to SpyGate. Tim Tebow simply has no place on an NFL team, not even as a backup or situational role player. None.
The physical, scheduled to occur some time within the next few days, should determine if Tebow is healthy enough for a return to playing in the NFL, barring this whole fucking thing being some GMs idea of a sick, sick ruse. It almost has to be, doesn't it? They have Tom Brady. What the hell?
"I'm excited for the opportunity to start over again with the New England Patriots," said Tebow during a late afternoon press conference, "but I'm a man of faith, and even I'm skeptical."
Tebow, recently released by the New York Jets, had reportedly failed to muster up interest from a single other NFL team this offseason. Other NFL teams including: The Oakland Raiders, Cleveland Browns, Kansas City Chiefs, and the Jacksonville Jaguars. The fucking Jaguars.
It might end up being the best offer Tebow gets.
"I am as shocked as anyone, trust me," said Sanchez. "Every day I stay employed as a quarterback is both a blessing and a total and complete surprise. I am also kind of stunned that the Jets are still considered a professional football team."
The Jets had signed veteran quarterback David Garrard earlier in the offseason and drafted Geno Smith in the second round of the NFL Draft, further crowding an already muddled quarterback situation on the team.
"I had an idea that my days were numbered, considering that they wouldn't put me on the field at all last year," said Tebow. "But holy shit, how does Mark Sanchez still have a job? And, yes, I just cursed for the first time in my life. It seems 100-percent appropriate in this situation. Mark Sanchez? Guy fking sucks."
Picture Tim Tebow: Now on Clearance
They put the sticker over his face because he's crying.
"I think I've seen all I need to see from Mark after this week," said Ryan. "He might not be the answer at quarterback. It's time to maybe give Tim a shot to start."
Ryan said he informed Tebow on the sidelines as the final seconds ticked away on the Jets' season that he would be promoted to starter.
Tebow reportedly responded by saying, "You really make me want to say curse words."
"Tim is an important part of this team," said head coach Rex Ryan. "There's not another guy on this team I'd want to force our opponent to prepare for a little bit, only to not play in a game at all. In my opinion, he's the best player in the NFL when it comes to not playing."
As first-string decoy, Tebow will get to stand in front of all of the other Jets' bench players, right on the edge of the field. He will also wear his helmet at all times, as though he is about to enter the game at any moment.
"It's obviously nice when your coaches recognize your abilities," said Tebow. "I'm pretty excited to wear my helmet and it is my goal to be the best decoy in the National Football League. I hope to go the the Pro Bowl this year as the AFC's decoy."
Granted, Rex Grossman has proven to be a failure, but high-level logic is a post-graduate course at Florida.
"Mark S.? Do I know a Mark S.?" Jets lineman Matt Slauson, who was quoted ripping Tim Tebow's abilities the previous day, wondered aloud. "Who is this from?"
Jets' starting quarterback Mark Sanchez then began clearing his throat loudly and winking in Slauson's direction.
"Oh. Right. Mark SSSSSS.," Slauson said, noticing Sanchez trying to catch his attention. "Gotta love Mark S."
The 12-plus gift baskets suspiciously matched the same number of Jets who anonymously spoke to the New York Daily News yesterday and had negative things to say about Tebow. Sanchez said he didn't make the connection.
"Oh, really? I didn't even see any gift baskets. Gift baskets? I didn't get one. If I was giving out gift baskets, wouldn't I give one to myself? It doesn't even make sense," he said, refusing to make eye contact. "And what's this news story you're talking about? I don't follow the news. And I definitely wasn't one of the 'more than 12' who said negative things about Tim, if that's even what the news story you're referring to was about."