The 2009 golf majors may be over, but Tour players didn’t go their separate ways for the off-season before first voting overwhelmingly to re-institute a ban on black players that was lifted in 1961.
“Look, black players have had 48 years to make their mark on the PGA Tour and it hasn’t happened,” said Mark Calcavecchia. “There is only one black guy on Tour. It’s not like we’re denying a bunch of people their rights. It’s just one guy.”
But while Calcavecchia and others paint the 179-1 vote – only Tiger Woods voted against the measure – as simply putting an end to a failed experiment, others see it as a desperate means of ending Woods’ domination over the Tour. Most notably, Woods himself.
“Obviously, they’re tired of losing to me all the time,” said Woods, who leads the PGA Tour in wins again this year. “They’ve tried to beat me in the past by doing stuff like Tiger-proofing courses, but nothing has worked. So they’ve resorted to something so pathetic and racist that it’s almost comical. Thing is – I’m not even half black. I’ve got a lot of Asian and Caucasian in me, too.”
Woods said he plans to circumvent the ban on black players in 2010 by playing up his non-black heritage, but one rival is very much against that tactic.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” said Vijay Singh. “I had to lobby pretty hard to not get banned. A lot of players want to get rid of me almost as much as they do Tiger because on the rare occasion he doesn’t win, I'm one of the few guys who is a real threat. But if he’s going to come in with that Cablanasian crap, he’s going to get people with any color in their skin banned. And then I’m out of a job.”
Phil Mickelson says he wholeheartedly supports a Tour ban on people of color.
“This is totally not about me repeatedly getting humiliated by Tiger Woods. Not at all,” said Mickelson. “This is only because golf is a game rich in history and tradition. And the history of this game is whites-only. There’s even more history of whites-only in golf than there is a history of me getting beaten by Tiger Woods, if you can wrap your head around that.”
Woods says that if he doesn’t play next year as non-black or fight the ban in court, he will start up a golf tour of his own.
“Me, Vijay Singh, Michael Campbell, Camilo Villegas, Anthony Kim, some of those South American guys who smoke all the time – would you rather watch that group on TV on a Sunday afternoon,” said Woods, “or a bunch of dorky country club crackers hacking away? And I say ‘crackers’ with all due respect. In fact, sometimes I refer to myself as a Crackblanasian.”
News Who is Y.E. Yang?
Y.E. Yang bested Tiger Woods by three strokes to win the 2009 PGA Championship at Hazeltine.
What else do we know about this guy? Here are some facts about Y.E. Yang.
Yang did not start playing golf until he was 19 years old.
Tiger Woods had a 17-year head-start on Yang in learning the game, which is why Vegas sports books predict Yang will beat Woods for the 2026 PGA Championship by 51 strokes.
After quickly becoming quite skilled at golf, Yang was required to serve in the South Korean military.
Yang was drafted into the service in case tensions between South Korea and North Korea escalated into a golf-off with North Korean leader/golf phenom Kim Jong-il.
Yang was born in 1972 and his given name is용은.
So "Y.E." is apparently an abbreviation for "용은". How does he get Y.E. out of용은? South Koreans are weird.
In three previous years on the PGA Tour, Yang earned a total of $537,000. This season he has already won $3.2 million.
With his 10-percent take, Yang's caddie is now able to afford to move out of Yang's locker.
Before winning the PGA Championship, Yang's best finish in a major was a tie for 30th at the 2007 Masters.
In all fairness, Yang was distracted at the Masters by Augusta National members frequently asking him if he had their dry cleaning ready.
Yang if the first Asian-born* player to win one of golf's majors.
*Caublanasian not included.
Picture "YAAAAAAAA!" "Nnnnngggg."
On a day in which Tiger Woods was cut from the British Open – only the second missed cut in a major of his pro career – golf officials expressed concern that the Open Championship will take a major TV ratings hit.
“Tiger really brings in Cablanasian viewers,” said PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem. “But now our nation’s Cablanasian population is turning off the Open now that their white-black-Asian icon out of commission. And, unfortunately, we currently don’t have any good Cablanasian golfers who can step in for him to keep that demographic’s interest.”
While ABC was hoping for huge ratings for weekend coverage of the British Open with Tiger Woods on the leaderboard, now the network is wondering who will still watch.
“We can’t say for certain that all Cablanasians will turn off golf,” said Nielsen Ratings spokesman Jeffrey Tamore. “But it makes perfect sense. For example, I watched less basketball when Larry Bird retired. And I’m sure Cablanasians behave pretty much the same when it comes to that stuff as the rest of us. Implying differently sounds like something an anti-Cablanasite would say, don’t you think?”
Finchem admits no one knows the exact number of Cablanasians in the United States, but he’s sure there are a lot.
“The U.S. Census Bureau for some reason doesn’t record Cablanasians,” he said. “The only one we know of for sure is Tiger Woods. But here’s what else we do know: there are a lot of white people. And a lot of black people. And a lot of Asian people. And people like to have sex. It stands to reason, then, that many of these people have had sex together. I know several of my friends, for example, who are totally into Asian chicks. Throw that all together and … boom! All of a sudden you’ve got yourself a few hundred million Cablanasians. And right now they’re not watching golf.”
Some in the golf community fear that if Woods’ slump drags on, the sport could lose Cablanasians for good.
“I am afraid we’ll be ruined if the Cablanasian community discovers the Food Network,” said Finchem. “Have you seen all of the fusion food they cook on that channel? Cablanasians love that stuff. As they should. It’s delicious. Not to stereotype, but Cablanasians have great food.”