Filed Under » Tiger Woods

Now it's time for the second part of SportsPickle's look at how Tiger Woods' image will change in light of his "transgressions."

(Here was Part 1.)

Oh, for the record: supposedly it's up to six "transgressions" now. That guy really likes to transgress.

RAZORS

Before:

After:

The Tiger Woods' brand will never be the same. That much we know.

But how much different will it look in this world in which Tiger has committed "transgressions"?

SportsPickle takes a look.

PUBLISHING

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After:

Tiger Woods and his wife remain together despite the golfer's "transgressions," but sources close to the couple say Woods is reviewing the terms of their prenuptial agreement which would currently pay him $4,314.29 if he and Elin divorce.

"Elin worked for my family as a nanny before she married Tiger," said golfer Jesper Parnevik. "She didn't make a lot of money — room and board were free, of course — but she was good with it and I know she socked some away in savings."

Because of that thriftiness, Elin Woods (nee Nordegren) insisted that Tiger sign a prenuptial agreement before they married in 2005.

"Golf is a fickle game," said a longtime friend of Elin's. "Your talent can just leave you. Look at someone like David Duval. Elin didn't want that to happen to Tiger, see him go broke and then have him clean her out in a costly divorce. She had been saving for years to buy a car. Cash."

While the exact dollar figure is not known, Tiger's payment is thought to be in excess of $4,300. If the couple stays together for two more years, that figure reaches $6,000.

"Tiger is not from a rich family. So $6,000 is nothing to sniff at," said a friend of the golfer. "He said that if he gets the $6,000, he can buy new floor mats for the cockpit of his airplane."

According to a report on the website Wikipedia.org, embattled golf superstar Tiger Woods has two children from a six-year love affair with a hot, ex-model from Sweden.

Claims Wikipedia: "In November 2003, Woods became engaged to Elin Nordegren, a Swedish model … They married on October 5, 2004 at the Sandy Lane resort on the Caribbean island of Barbados … June 18, 2007, Elin gave birth to the couple's first child … On September 2, 2008, Woods announced on his website that he and his wife were expecting their second child. Five months later, it was announced that Elin had given birth."

But despite the very specific claims in the report, Woods refused to confirm the details, and sources close to the golfer claimed they were very suspect. "Wikipedia is just written by random people all over the world with no actual knowledge," said a source close to the golfer. "And that's not just me saying that. Wikipedia openly admits that on it's Wikipedia entry."

Even so, the allegations continue to pile up.

"It's disappointing if it's true," said cocktail waitress and reality TV veteran Jaimee Grubbs, who Woods had a committed, 31-month sexual relationship with. "For a long time I suspected he was married with kids, I guess. But, at the same time, I didn't think he was the kind of guy who would do that."

Elin Woods (nee Nordegren) released several texts, voicemails and legal documents which claim to back up the Wikipedia report, including a marriage license, joint tax returns and wedding photos.

"I normally don't trust that rag, but Wikipedia is right on this one. They were married and have two kids. The rumors are true," said a friend of Mrs. Woods'. "But one thing they have wrong — or will soon need to update — is that the relationship is still ongoing. Elin is going to break it off as soon as possible. That's pretty much all she cares about right now. You know, maybe when it happens I can get a Wikipedia account and edit it myself. That would be kind of cool. I also know a lot about Kauai spiders and found Wikipedia's entry on Kauai spiders lacking. I'd love to bulk that one up, too."

TIGER COMMENTS ON CURRENT EVENTS:Including health care, Afghanistan and Jon & Kate!

by Tiger Woods

I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my hearton. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves, however big my family may be; this Tiger doesn't often wear a leash, if you know what I mean. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect (for instance, what the F—K was I thinking leaving voice mails and sending texts to that skank I was doing? That leaves a trail, dumbass!). I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone. But please, read on.

Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete (well, golfer), I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. These a-holes are way tougher than the guys at Golf Digest!For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. Whether a man is beaten about the face by his golf-club wielding wife is PRIVATE!The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. It was painkillers.Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect. Really. I'm kind of a prick.

But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. You don't hear me going to the tabloids about Phil Mickelson's abortion. Yeah, he's a woman. Like you didn't know.I realize there are some who don't share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one's own family. Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn't have to mean public confessions. Press releases should be reserved for exciting business news! Check back later today for a release announcing my new line of Nike edible underwear!

Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us and my corporate sponsors alone. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it's difficult. It's the same with how I make my women get tested first before I sleep with them. I WILL NOT BUDGE ON THIS!

I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology. Maybe I can still be like Gandhi one day???

As promised, US Magazine has released a voice mail Tiger Woods recently left a Los Angeles cocktail waitress by the name of Skanky McSkankerton. (Given name: Jaimee Grubbs.)

Here it is. It's, uh … kind of damning.

Of course, I have long been a huge Tiger Woods fan. I've travelled all over to see him play. And I believe he is the most dominant sportsman of our times. You could say I have a bit of a man-crush.

So my natural instinct is to presume he is innocent.

Sooooo then … why would this random woman's number be in his cell phone? I'm sure there's a great reason.

Maybe Tiger struck up a friendship with her because he wanted her to teach him how to make Elin's favorite cocktail! Jaimeeeeee is a cocktail waitress, after all! That makes sense!

Maybe she is some sort of golfing savant and is Tiger's secret swing coach … and the key to his success all this time. Why not?

Or maybe she knows a lot about coming back from knee injuries. (Her specialty: brush burns.)

Or — and this one is the most likely — she was willing to have Tiger practice sex on her so he could be better in the marital bed with his wife and please Elin more thoroughly. This cocktail waitress was like the driving range and Elin was Augusta National. Tiger only wanted to get better for sex's most prestigious event, so to speak.

It was your CHRISTMAS GIFT, ELIN!!!

NOW YOU'VE RUINED CHRISTMAS AND THANKSGIVING!!!

This is the break in the case I was waiting for:

Seriously, if media reports like this are what we'd get under Chinese rule … I will happily accept.

A mere four days after saving her husband, Tiger Woods, from a parked automobile by smashing his windshield with a golf club, Elin Woods again saved her husband from a potentially catastrophic mosquito bite by cutting his penis off with an axe.

Police rushed to the golf superstar’s home in Isleworth, Florida, on Sunday morning after receiving calls from neighbors about Woods staggering out of his home in the middle of the night, carrying his own detached and bloody penis in his hand.

According to a statement from Woods’ publicist Glenn Greenspan, “At approximately 2:34AM this morning at their home, Tiger Woods and his wife Elin were up discussing how best to bring debt relief to the people of Africa, as they are known to do. At this time, Mrs. Woods noticed that a mosquito had landed on her husband’s penis and had begun sucking on it. I don’t need to tell you that mosquitoes are the number one carrier of malaria in the world today. Mrs. Woods knew that if she didn’t act quickly to get rid of that mosquito, her husband would almost certainly die.

“So, summoning an inner strength she never knew she had, she reached for an axe and bravely chopped off her husband’s genitalia,” the statement continued. “If Mrs. Woods had responded in the way that she had, the golf world may have lost a legend. My client is forever indebted to his wife for boldly slicing off his manhood.”

However, Isleworth police officers and others still have many questions for Mrs. Woods in the wake of her husband’s impromptu penile castration. They do not believe alcohol was involved, but anonymous sources say Woods had scratches all about his testicles and anus, and had a dagger sticking out of his shoulder at the time of the incident. “This story sounds awfully fishy to me,” said Harvey Levin of gossip giant TMZ. “If you wanted to get rid of the mosquito, why not a simple c-ckpunch?”

Tiger and Elin Woods were scheduled to meet with police on Monday morning, but have since delayed that meeting until a time that better suits their convenience. Greenspan estimates that time will be somewhere in the neighborhood of January 3045.

Professional golfer Phil Mickelson drove out of his Rancho Sante Fe, Calif., development this afternoon without incident and then pulled his Cadillac SUV over to celebrate the feat before family, friends and gathered media.

"Thank you, thank you very much," Mickelson said, stepping out of his car to applause, as his children ran up to him for a big hug in front of the cameras. "I'm so happy to have made it out of my neighborhood without crashing and having to have my wife pull me out of the car."

Mickelson then posed with his undented, pristine Escalade for 10 minutes for photographers before addressing the crowd.

"It was tough to get to this point, but the journey makes what I accomplished all the sweeter," said Mickelson. "I can't tell you how many hydrants I passed, how many trees were within mere yards of the car as I winded my way out of the development. But I stuck to my gameplan — staying on the road — and made it all the way to the main road."

With the uneventful trip in hand, Mickelson said he planned to head home and spend some time with his family.

"It's been a long, stressful trip," he said. "I was thinking of heading across town to run some errands. But I need a break. And I want to be with Amy and the kids for a while."

Mickelson then drove back into his neighborhood and crashed his Escalade into a light pole.