Filed Under » Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods says he is a new man, a better man. But the Masters is a difficult place for a supposed sex addict to make his return to golf.

Consider the many distractions and temptations found throughout Augusta National.

Tiger Woods has made it official. The world's top golfer, who has not eaten in public since his infidelities became tabloid fodder back in Thanksgiving, announced today that he will dine at the Perkins near his Windermere, Fla., home in the coming weeks.

"I think Perkins is where I need to be," said Woods.

Woods, of course, has had great success at Perkins in the past. He has routinely eaten tasty, yet wallet-friendly omelets and pancakes for breakfast, enjoyed a sandwich, some chips and a pickle after a practice round of golf, and once took home a Perkins shift manager for rough sex at his mansion.

But it's that latter fact that has some questioning his decision to return so soon.

"I don't know if he plans to go with Elin or not," said Golf Channel analyst Charlie Rymer. "But I imagine it would be awkward if they're served by the trollop he did in their bed. And also in a church parking lot once, I heard. I can't imagine Elin would want to leave a very big tip, regardless of the quality and attentiveness of the service."

If that scenario takes place, it's a challenge Woods says he is ready to accept.

"I have undergone almost two months of inpatient therapy and I am continuing my treatment," he said in his statement. "Although I am returning to restaurants, I still have a lot of work to do in my personal life."

Woods has reportedly been making food at his home, but admits there is nothing like a hot item fresh out of the Perkins kitchen.

"The sizzling, greasy bacon. Two mounds of sunny-side-up eggs, just begging to be pierced so the juices run everywhere. And then the flapjacks. My God. Two big, thick flapjacks that you can just smother in syrup and then lick it all off," said Woods. "I am so hungry right now. So f—king hungry."

Tiger Woods is reportedly home from rehab and trying to get into "golf shape".

SportsPickle was able to get a copy of his workout routine.

In his first public statement since a car accident set off a whirlwind of scrutiny and sordid revelations, Tiger Woods apologized today for hooking up with women far below the quality he could — and should have — pulled.

"I let down a lot of people," said Woods, in his statement. "It is one thing for an athlete to have affairs, it is far different thing to hook up with some of the questionably attractive uggers I slept with. And for that I am truly sorry. You have no idea. I have had nightmares."

Woods then presented a slide show of the women he had affairs with, stopping to apologize for the most unsightly conquests. He broke into tears after pulling up pictures of Jamie Jungers and Perkins waitress Mindy Lawton.

"I was so foolish. So incredibly stupid," said Woods. "These are not attractive women. These are not women someone with my fame and fortune should have sex with. Some of these are 4s, 5s, 6s. As you can see, I have a serious problem. And that is why I have sought help."

The golfer said in his statement that he is returning to therapy.

"Therapy is helping me turn down uglier chicks," he said. "I once had the strength to do that. I married a hot woman. But in recent years I have fallen short of my own standards — standards that any man should strive to uphold."

Woods said he hopes to return to golf and to desirable women as soon as he possibly can.

"All I can ask is that people can find it in their hearts to forgive me," he said. "And, if you're a woman who is an 8, 9 or 10, to call me."

The golf world is just happy he didn't using any curse words as a search term.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Dear Mr. Watson —

I was made aware of your recent comments on my life in which you stated that I need to "show some humility to the public." Very helpful! No more showy lifestyle from me, with all the bling and the posse and trash talk. Those days? Over.

I also appreciated your opinion on my place in golf history when you stated: "I feel that he has not carried the same stature that other great players that have come along like Jack [Nicklaus], Arnold [Palmer], Byron Nelson, the Hogans, in the sense that there was language and club throwing on the golf course … I think he needs to clean up his act and show the respect for the game that other people before him have shown."

You make a great point. I will stop cursing. That's clearly the biggest issue in my life. Salty language.

I will stop cursing right away. Well, no. Make that in a few minutes. Because first …

F—K. YOU. F—K YOU, Tom Watson, you A—HOLE.

I don't hold the same stature as them? Maybe not too some old, washed up prick. But let me remind you: I am golf. My presence alone has made everyone rich. You yourself have made more money because of me. Yet this is what I get? F—K. YOU.

Hey, guess what? You know who else isn't like Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer? You, you dick. Because they've said that my life isn't any of their business. At least not to speak about in public. (And also, of course, you were never as good as them at golf. Let's just say I never taped your list of major wins on my bedroom wall as a goal.) Maybe you should be more like them. Or maybe you should be more like me and consider cursing or throwing a club every once in a while. It might make people forget how you choked away the British Open. You remember that, right? F—king hilarious.

Oh, I'm sorry. I promised to stop cursing. My fault. Let me re-phrase: Your choke job in the British Open was gosh darn hilarious.

Respectfully,

Tiger Woods

Did you know that the PGA Tour’s 2010 schedule started nearly three weeks ago? Of course you didn’t. With Tiger hiding out in rehab, why would you? If the PGA wants to draw any fans while its meal ticket is out of commission, it will need to get creative. Luckily for the Tour, we’ve got some ideas that will help bring the crowds back:

1. Make a Bang: Roughly 30% of the balls on the Tour should be replaced with exploding novelty balls. For maximum comedy, roughly 100% of these exploding balls should be placed in Sergio Garcia’s bag.

2. Butt Out Smoking: Seeing Angel Cabrera light up on the fairway really undercuts the game’s sophistication. Add a little bit of understated dignity back to the Tour by having him switch to chew.

3. Go Green: Scale up some of miniature golf’s best ideas. Instead of a little novelty windmill, put up a full-sized one on each green. In addition to helping generate power, a full-sized windmill won’t just reject shots; it will speed up the game by dismembering slower players. (Might want to go ahead and write a sympathy card to Jesper Parnevik’s widow now.)

4. Raise the Stakes:Another good idea to swipe from minigolf: a hole-in-one on the 18th, earns you a free 12 oz. soda in the clubhouse! That's way better than an ugly green blazer.

5. Make Some Apologies: You’ve had your differences, but with Tiger out, John Daly might be your biggest draw. Encourage his participation by eschewing cash purses in favor of cases of Busch Light.

6. Get Provocative:Sex sells, so why not encourage Mickelson show a little bit more cleavage when he leans over to pick up his ball?Down-shirt shots from the blimp aren't enough.

7. Get With the People: New wrinkle for this year: only hold tournaments at courses with greens fees of $25 or less. True champions should be able to adjust their shots to play the bounce off of the stripped Honda Civic that’s rusting out on the 14thfairway.

8. Lighten Up: Don’t just allow fans to talk during players’ backswings; encourage it! If Ernie Els can’t concentrate while spectators yell “Goat penis!” does he really deserve to win?

9. Bring Back Michelle Wie.Americans are willing to put up with creepy stage parents and losing as long as they’re attached to a luscious C-cup. She's kind of like Phil Mickelson for people who are more into the Asian look.

10. Raise Your Standards: To avoid another Tiger-with-a-Perkins-waitress debacle, have a sit-down with the players to talk about making good decisions with the ladies. This is the PGA, so not just any old waitress will do. From now on, it’s Olive Garden or better, boys. You’ll look more dignified, AND you’ll get unlimited free breadsticks.

11. Say No to Drugs:Hide Colin Montgomerie’s pills. Trust us, this will lead to riveting television. The spike in ratings should generate more than enough cash to cover his caddie’s medical bills from the inevitable beating.

12. Cultivate New Personalities:Someone named Steve Stricker was second on the Tour’s money list last year. Not to fault your PR department, but well over 99.99% of Americans wouldn’t recognize Steve Stricker even if he walked into their homes and robbed them. You might want to work on that.

13. Wait, That’s a Great Idea:Actually, you know what? Just have Steve Stricker start robbing people. Should generate some buzz for the Tour and a nice supplemental income for Steve.

14. Emulate Vince McMahon:Say what you will about professional wrestling, but it embraces the sort of showmanship that leads to big ratings. How hard can it be to find one person on the Tour who’s willing to hit Rory Sabbatini with a folding chair? Vijay Singh’s been brining a chair to tournaments for years just waiting for his chance.

15. Be More Literal: The stakes in this year’s Skins Game should involve actual flesh. Sure, missing a putt to lost $50,000 hurts, but nowhere near as much as losing a credit-card-sized patch of your skin will. It puts the ball in the hole or it gets the hose again.

At last! Our wait is over. "Tyler's Wood" — the adult film based on golfer Tiger Woods and his "indiscretions" — has been released by Adam & Eve Entertainment. (Learn more here. SFW, by the way.)

Since this piece of cinema no doubt will have great success, be prepared for more golf-related adult films to come out. Here's the 2010 release schedule:

February

"Shootin' Low" with Steve Stripper

"Into the Rough" starring Lee Wetwood

March

"British Girls Open" starring Padraig Hairy'n'hung

"18 and Under the Bar" starring David Do-All

April

"The Master(baters): A Tradition Hung Like No Other"

May

"Davis Loves the Threesomes"

"72 Holes" with Paula Cream'her

June

"Swedish Sensations" with Jesper Pornodick

"Lofted Wood" starring Beef Slocum

July

"Senior Tour: 50-Plus Hotties" starring Tom Layman

"Claret Jugs" with Babe Dickridesem

August

"Splittin' the Fairway" starring Fred Fu-k

September

"Ride Her Cups: An International Tourgasm"

"From Germany with Love" starring Behard Longer

October

"Wet Conditions" starring Wetsy King and Brittany Likestocum

November

"Boom Boom Couples: Hittin' It Long and Strong"

"Ball Washer" with Meg Melons and Ian Poked'er

December

"The John Daly Story" starring PGA golfer John Daly

Point: Sexual Addiction Is A Disease I Must Overcome, by Tiger Woods

My name is Tiger Woods, and I am an addict.

I can’t believe I’m saying that. But there it is: The naked, unvarnished truth. I have hit the rock bottom of my life. I have lost my wife. I have lost my children. And I have lost my reputation. And all of it is because I failed to recognize that I had an illness – sexual addiction – and that I let that illness take control of my life.

I’ve learned in my time at Pine Grove rehab center that sexual addiction is not unlike being addicted to alcohol or drugs. In all instances, the addiction serves to loosen your grip on reality, and to redirect all your priorities to serving it. You become, for lack of a better word, insane. And that is what happened to me. I was a servant to my own addiction, willing to do insane things to satisfy it. And I was too much of a selfish bastard – and I completely deserve that title and worse – to see it. I thought had control over it. I thought I could “manage” my life perfectly. But I couldn’t.

Many times, I found myself with my wife and children and thinking only of arranging sexual encounters with other women. And I often found myself thinking about sex when I should have been concentrating on my job, which was part of the reason I fared so poorly in Majors last year. It’s true. For someone supposedly so focused on golf, I was anything but.

But I refuse to succumb to this illness that has devastated many of those around me. I’m willing now to admit that I cannot control this addiction on my own, and that I need help. I will use these horrible circumstances to overcome this disease, and be the person my father and mother always expected me to be. Failure isn’t an option. And I refuse to take my addiction lightly.

Counterpoint: MORE VAGINA!!!!!!!!! By Tiger Woods’ Penis

MORE VAGINA!!!!!!!!

WHERE IS IT? WHERE’S MORE? GIMME GIMME GIMME! I HAVEN’T SEEN A VAGINA IN MINUTES! THERE’S SO MUCH VAGINA OUT THERE! NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!

LOOK AT THAT GIRL! SHE HAS A VAGINA! LET’S ROCK THAT HONEYPOT! LOOK! OVER THERE! TWO GIRLS! DOUBLE THE VAG FOR DADDY! I’M READY TO MAKE SOME VAG MAGIC! WHERE ARE WE? MISSISSIPPI? DO YOU THINK THERE’S VAGINA HERE! WELL, LET’S GO GET IT, MAN! VAG IS A WASTING!

WHAT? YOU DON’T WANT VAGINA ANYMORE? WHAT ARE YOU, AN IDIOT?! IT’S VAGINA! IT’S SO SOFT, AND WARM, AND EASY ACCESSIBLE GIVEN OUR INCOME LEVEL! YOU STUPID IDIOT! YOU’RE ALREADY DIVORCED! VAGINA AHOY! AVAST, YE VAGINA!

GIVE ME MORE VAGINA! TOO MUCH VAG IS NEVER ENOUGH!!!!!!