Filed Under » Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods did not win the Masters.

After a five-month layoff from golf due to personal problems, Woods made his return to the sport at the Masters and reportedly finished fourth, five shots behind … three other people, including some sort of overall winner? I mean, one would assume, at least. Right?

"It's been such an incredible week, an emotional week," said a smiling guy wearing a green blazer, oddly not addressing what happened with Tiger Woods. "And to cap it off with a victory is something I can't put into words. It's something we'll share for the rest of our lives."

Woods finished playing his round of golf with some Asian guy shortly before 7:00 p.m. ET. But instead of being presented with a trophy, he walked off the course with very little fanfare. In fact, two other guys even kept playing golf behind him, which seemed kind of rude.

"It was unsuccessful. I came here to win the event. And I came in fourth," said Woods after he was done playing to a throng of reporters that probably included some of the top media outlets in golf, including TMZ, the National Inquirer, US Weekly and Fox Sports.

Despite the disappointing and stupefying outcome, Masters chairman Billy Payne called the tournament "a great success," continuing the oddness surrounding the tournament's non-Tiger-centric finish. Probably only more confusing than Payne's comments and the fact that someone not named Tiger Woods supposedly won is the fact that Woods never had sex with anything or even took out his penis during any of his rounds.

Tiger Woods' wife, Elin, says she is overjoyed at the surprising success her husband is having at the Masters — his first competitive golf since his many affairs became public.

"Oh, this is great," Elin Woods said. "Real goddam great. I am so f—king happy that everything is just falling right back into place for him. Like nothing at all happened. Like he didn't f—k those 12 or 14 or 25 women or whatever it was. Really. I didn't want him to be publicly humiliated at the one thing he's good at. Nope. Not one bit. And I'm loving that everyone is applauding him. Yeah, he deserves that, right? He's a swell guy, that one."

Mrs. Woods asked reporters to quote her on that. And also pass her "heartfelt" sentiments along to her husband.

"Tell him I'm watching him. Tell him I'm watching on TV and I can see how he seems so happy and content out there," she said. "Let him know that every little smile, every little carefree comment — I hear it. It goes into my ears and into my brain where it will be forever. I will not f—king forget. Not any of it. Let him know that. And then tell him to get a good night's sleep."

When Elin's comments were relayed to him at his press conference following Round 2, Woods quickly excused himself from the press tent. Less than five minutes later his agent, Mark Steinberg, circulated a press release from Woods announcing how much he loves Elin and that she's the greatest mother and most beautiful woman in the world. "Elin would not resort to violence. Ever," the statement closed. "Right, Elin?"

Elin said she would have no more statements about her husband or the Masters until the tournament is over and he returns home.

"Excuse me, I have to make dinner right now," she said, bludgeoning chicken breasts with a wooden mallet. "Tiger's off playing golf again already, so … yep. Looks like I'll handle all of this! Super!"

Many expected Tiger Woods to struggle in his return to golf at the Masters. But after a five-month layoff, he put up his best opening round ever at Augusta.

Now CBS is adjusting its broadcast plans for the weekend because Tiger will definitely be playing.

The traditional Masters piano music? Gone. In it's place is the new Tiger Remix.

TURN IT UP!

Not a single member of the media, PGA tour, or crowds of fans at the Augusta National Golf Club has made mention of the fact that three-times Major winner ErnieElsarrived Sunday morning in a wheel chair, baring several scars on his face and what appears to be an artificial left hand.

Elshas not played in a tournament round since an unexplained incident last week. Though members of the media were permitted on the property, none had enough free time to show up to the press conference called byElswhere he promised to announce his decision to play through his physical handicap and to explain the origin of his ravaged condition.

"Um, hello?"Elssaid to an empty room of just chairs. "Could somebody please help me?"

Elswas left on the stage of the press conference for several hours Sunday night, only to be discovered in the dark the next morning by the building's custodial staff.

Fellow pros David Duval and Vijay Singh were scheduled to joinElsin his first public round on Monday, though both toldElsthey had gotten "swamped" in the last minute. Upon his arrival to the first hole,Elswas forced to show several forms of identification to a security guard who eventually let him play only because he saw a white SUV pulling up in the distance and wanted to "check it out."

During his practice round,Elseventually caught up with fellow player Mark O'Meara on the eighth hole. On seeing his good friend ErnieElsconfined to a wheelchair, O'Meara said: "It was good to see Tiger. I care about him and his family deeply."

Elsplayed his opening round of the tournament withAnthony Kim and Ryo Ishikawa on Thursday, though neither of the two players could confirm this or who ErnieElsis. Kim told reporters last week that he will not talk to Woods about his personal life. He did not mention anything about ErnieEls.

According to PGA officials, no montages featuringElshave been planned.