Filed Under » Tiger Woods

The PGA Tour announced today that all future tournament courses will be retrofitted with protective nets and a barriers along the fairway and greens to protect patrons from getting hit by wayward Tiger Woods' shots. The barriers will also allow Woods to keep his ball in play more often, increasing his chances of finding the tournament leaderboard again.

"Back when he was dominating everyone, we 'Tiger-proofed' a lot of our courses to prevent him from winning every tournament," said PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem. "Now that things have changed, I thought it was only fair that we did him a favor and gave him a little bit of help."

Had courses not been "Tiger-proofed" a decade ago, it is likely Woods would have already passed Jack Nicklaus for the most major victories. But now Finchem says the course changes are "more of an insurance liability thing. We can't have people getting drilled over and over by hard, golf balls hurtling through the air. Tiger is going to kill someone."

In the midst of the worst slump of his golf career, and with fellow golfers saying he is no longer feared, Tiger Woods took a major step towards intimidating the PGA again by savagely beating Phil Mickelson to death with his golf cleats yesterday in the locker room at the Players Championship.

"There's blood. Blood everywhere. So much blood," said a clearly in shock Ian Poulter, who has repeatedly said that Tiger's dominance is over. "I- … I … Phil is dead. He's so dead."

Woods shot a 42 on the front-9 in the 1st Round at the Players Championship and then withdrew from the tournament with lingering knee pain. As he collected his belongings in the locker room, the Golf Channel was on a nearby television, and witnesses say he heard the TV analysts saying other players weren't scared of him anymore.

"He then took off his right shoe and held it above his head," said a weeping Stewart Cink. "'You don't fear me anymore?' he said. 'You will now, motherf—kers.' And then … it was so sudden. I couldn't rescue Phil."

Mickelson was sitting in front of his locker directly across from Woods. When the first spiked blows reigned down upon him, he elicited girl-like shrieks. And then he went silent, dead, as Woods continued to bludgeon his lifeless body, yelling: "WHO'S SCARED OF ME NOW? WHO'S SCARED OF ME NOW?" with each blow.

The assault only ended when Woods tweaked his knee on the slippery blood that pooled around him.