Filed Under » Terrell Owens

The Seattle Seahawks have inked free agent Terrell Owens to a one-year, $1 million contract and believe they have structured the deal in a way that encourages the combative, 38 year-old receiver to be on his best behavior.

"Sure, everyone has heard the talk about Terrell. Everyone knows the stigma," said Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll. "But there is the stick and the carrot, and I believe we have offered a very attractive carrot."

In addition to the $1 million guaranteed base salary, Owens is due a $1,200 bonus — payable in 12, $100 monthly payments — if he manages to not be the sole reason the Seahawks have a terrible season.

"Will T.O. want to be an asshole and divide the locker room the first time a pass doesn't hit him in the hands?" said Carroll. "Sure, that comes naturally to him. Ahh, but now that there is $1,200 on the line? He'll have to think twice."

The Seahawks have a similar arrangement with running back Marshawn Lynch, paying him a $20 bonus each day he doesn't commit a crime.

"So far that has been really successful with Marshawn, as most days he hasn't committed crimes," said Carroll. "Usually we're paying him an extra 80 or 100 bucks a week which he primarily puts towards bail money."

Terrell Owens apologized to football fans today if any of his past actions were seen as annoying, self-serving or simply lame and unfunny.

"It took me seeing it in someone else up close, day after day after day, to realize how awful it is," Owens said. "So, please, if in any way I acted like [Chad] Ochocinco in the past, I sincerely apologize. I would have hated me, too."

Owens said he was initially excited to sign with the Bengals, because it extended his NFL career and let him play with a receiver he considered to be very similar to him in Ochocinco. But after a week of training camp that excitement faded.

"Day 1 was awesome. Chad was hilarious," said Owens. "By Day 3 I found myself fake laughing more often and not. And at the end of the first week it was all I could do to not roll my eyes or just yell: 'SHUT THE F—K UP!'"

Owens has tried to avoid Ochocinco as much as possible of late, saying he has an appointment or that he has to use the bathroom if his teammate approaches him.

"That's what the other guys on the team told me to do, because that's what they do," said Owens. "They say trying to avoid Chad brings them together and that it has for years."

So far the plan has worked, although Owens is worried Ochocinco is starting to get suspicious.

"I know I started getting suspicious when my Cowboys teammates had appointments all the time," he said. "I was worried Tony Romo had cancer or something. Now I know he just found me really annoying. And I can't blame him."

According to sources close to NFL wide receiver Terrell Owens, the six-time Pro Bowler has been unable to stop laughing over reports that former Eagles teammate Donovan McNabb may soon be dealt to the Oakland Raiders.

The laughter has gone on for so long now that Owens' friends are starting to worry about his health.

"He hasn't eaten anything for 24 hours," said Owens' assistant, Tony Mivens. "He hasn't had anything to drink. It's not healthy. He's tried to drink water, but every time he takes a swig, something about McNabb going to the Raiders scrolls across the screen and he does a spit take and starts rolling around on the floor laughing again."

Those who have seen the receiver in the past day say he looks skinny and weak, but incredibly happy.

While Owens was forced to toil for the Buffalo Bills last year, the prospect of his Eagles nemesis having to close his career on the most comically inept franchise in the NFL — perhaps in all of sport — has brought delight to an offseason in which Owens, too, looks for a new employer.

"Terrell definitely wants to play next year," said his agent, Drew Rosenhaus. "And we have plenty of suitors. But right now he is weighing his options. He is seriously considering taking a year off so he can put his full attention into watching Donovan McNabb play for the Raiders. He has even said he may buy tickets for all of their home and away games and be a sort of failure roadie."

Rosenhaus says he hasn't had the heart to inform Owens of the one team who has shown serious interest in his services for 2010.

"It's the Raiders. I can't tell him. He's obviously very emotional right now," said Rosenhaus. "If that's our only option, that's our only option. Maybe I can sell it to him as an opportunity to sabotage McNabb one more time. He may even play for the league minimum for that chance."

From SportsPickle's wire services.

Terrell Owens, dickhead extraordinaire, feels like he's being provoked.

The washed-up Buffalo wide receiver,a day after offering mostly terse answers to probing, insightful and respectful questions posed by renowned sporting journalists following the Bills' 27-7 loss to the New Orleans Saints, told the "Two Live Stews" on Sporting News Radio that the media is trying to get him to stir things up in Buffalo, as he did in Dallas and Philadelphia.

"It really just shows you the angle that the media has taken all these years," Owens said stupidly during the interview, unable to get on a better show than something on Sporting News Radio. "OnSunday, as you saw, the media took the initiative to try to get me to kind of go down the wrong path. I know the last two teams that I've been on, I felt like I left those teams prematurely due to media interviews that I've done and things kind of taken out of context and they created sort of a media whirlwind in the locker room and things kind of went downhill from there. I'm just trying to do the best job I can do as far as answering the questions and trying to be a better teammate and not try to throw people under the bus."

Owens went on and on from there — blah, blah, blah, blah — but it was pretty boring and self-serving, which is not at all surprising coming from this ass. Plus, if he wasn't going to speak ill of his teammates, why listen to him?

During his news conference on Sunday after the Bills loss — in which his streak of 185 consecutive games with a reception was snapped (Ha-ha!) — Owens was repeatedly asked about his lack of involvement in the team's offense.

"Just going with the plays that are called," Owens unfortunately replied repeatedly to those questions. "Whether I like them or don't, I'm just going with the plays that are called."

He admitted some frustration with the lack of pass attempts downfield but he sidestepped a question about whether the Bills and quarterback Trent Edwards is looking enough to the team's top receivers, making us wonder why we are sending a bunch of reporters up to the hellhole of Buffalo if this guy isn't going to say stuff that will make headlines.

"No, I don't want to answer that," Owens said Sunday. "I don't want to answer that, because whatever I say you guys are going to turn it to however you want to say it."

What a queer.

Associated Press reporters Matthew Carlyle, Bob Tefford and Marsha Lynch contributed to this report, and all of them agree that Terrell Owens is a total pussy who isn't man enough to say what's really on his mind. Prove us wrong, Terrell. The ball is in your court. (Don't drop it like you normally do, loser! HA!)