The Pat Summitt era is over at Tennessee.
After talking to former Tennessee head football coach Lane Kiffin in attempt to make him reconsider staying in Knoxville, Summitt says Kiffin convinced her to leave the program she has led for 37 years and follow him to the sun and fun of Los Angeles and USC.
"Sorry, Tennessee," Summitt said.
With eight national championships during her tenure, Summitt said Kiffin made the point that there's not much more she can accomplish in Knoxville and that she could use a new challenge.
"I want to take women's basketball to another level," said Summitt. "And Lane made me realize I can only do that in a major media market like Los Angeles."
With Summitt's rival, Geno Auriemma, entrenched at UConn, Summitt says she can now stake a claim to the recruits in the entire western half of the country, as well as continue to exert her influence in the Southeast.
"It's really a no-brainer," said Summitt. "Lane finally made me open my eyes and see reality. There's no reason for anyone to coach at Tennessee no offense to all the great people here at Tennessee."
Kiffin is glad Summitt heard him out.
"Hey, she's not getting any younger," said Kiffin of Summitt, age 57. "She'd feel a lot better out in L.A. No winters. And she's fresh off her divorce, too. She can play the field out there. Date an actor or something."
The news of Summitt's departure at Tennessee has eclipsed the outrage over Kiffin. But University of Tennessee athletic director Mike Hamilton urges calm.
"Everybody needs to relax," said Hamilton. "This is our women's basketball coach. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it: the only reason we follow women's basketball here is because we're good at it. It's not like we actually like it. I mean, who could? It's awful. With Pat gone, we can focus on the good sports again. Lane Kiffin did us a favor."
Tennessee is reeling today over the news that Layla Kiffin, considered perhaps the state's top MILF, is moving to Los Angeles.
"Devastating. Absolutely devastating," said Governor Phil Bredesen. "We thought we had her for the long haul. We thought we'd get to enjoy that body and leer at it for another 10 to 12 years before she moved on or everything dropped and started getting saggy. At least I can say we sincerely appreciated her while she was here."
"I never even got to smell her hair," said University of Tennessee athletic director Mike Hamilton. "God knows I tried. But every time I'd get in really close and almost breathe it in, she'd spot me and turn around. She had an amazing sense for that. She had a lot of amazing attributes."
Many high school seniors who had committed to Tennessee are reportedly now reconsidering.
"I was going there for her," said Darrell Smith, a highly-touted running back from Memphis. "I don't know why she's going to Los Angeles where she'll be just another blonde woman with a big rack. Here she was unique. Here she was special. I could have showed her how special she was. That was my goal. Hit that. And then, once that's taken care of, focus on winning a national title and playing in the NFL."
Tennessee has immediately begun the search for a successor.
"We are looking for full C-cups or perky D's," said Hamilton. "And, of course, 36-24-36 measurements or something in that proportional ballpark. We'd also like another one who has had children. Because then you know what you're working with. It's easy to get a good-looking woman pre-babies, but then she might blow up after having kids. Not an angel like Layla. Oh, Layla we'll miss you."
The school is also hoping their replacement for Layla Kiffin is married to someone with some sort of football coaching background, even if at a low level.
"But the coaching thing is not a deal-breaker," said Hamilton.
Tennessee head men's basketball coach Bruce Pearl has some egg on his stupid face after telling an unfortunate joke about his home state at a charity event last week.
Said Pearl: "I've got a tough job. I've got to put these guys from different worlds together, right? I've got guys from Chicago, Detroit I'm talking about the 'hood! And I've got guys from Grainger County, where they wear the hood.''
Wait? That's it? We're not allowed to say anymore that rural parts of Tennessee can be a bit racist-y? Okay. Whatever.
But that line wasn't even the worst one Pearl had originally considered using in his speech.
Take a look at these:
"You know, Tennessee is a beautiful state. Before I moved here I didn't know you had so many mountains. Now it's my goal to mount Pat Summitt." Bruce Pearl
"No, I'm kidding. I really want to fk Lane Kiffin's wife. That's not a joke. I'd like to check under that hood, if you know what I mean." Bruce Pearl
"Does Lane Kiffin seem retarded to anyone else? Ah, why am I asking you people? You're all inbred retards. That's even worse. Your retard minds probably think Lane Kiffin is a genius." Bruce Pearl
"Have you weirdos ever actually read the lyrics to Rocky Top? 'Once there was a girl onrockytop /Half bear the other half cat /Wild as a mink, sweet as soda pop /I still dream about that.' What the fk does that mean? You people sleep with wildcats and sheep?" Bruce Pearl
"I love speaking at charity events. I've got a semi right now. What? This is a children's charity? Too late. I'm fully engorged." Bruce Pearl
"Did you know that Pat Summitt's given name was Pat Head? Really. Sometimes jokes just write themselves." Bruce Pearl
There are only a few days left until the first Saturday of the college football season and SportsPickle is counting down the top stories of 2009. Today: No. 4, Lane Kiffin.