Opinion Super Bowl Party Pickup Lines
News Eli Manning Disappointed by the Quality of Prostitutes in Indianapolis
Despite his humble, aw-shucks reputation, Manning admitted to media members on Wednesday that he has a "bit of a soft spot for hookers. Everyone has a vice. Mine is paying women for sex. I don't feel a need to apologize for it. If anyone should apologize, it's the City of Indianapolis for the low-level ass they're putting out there."
Eli said he began dabbling in the sex business at an early age.
"My brothers were older than me, so they had girlfriends before I did," he said. "But I wanted to be as big as them. And when you're in middle school in the early '90s, the only way to get sex was to pay for it."
Manning says he doesn't usually have discriminating tastes when it comes to night-walkers — "fat ones, skinny ones, toothless, trannies, orgies, I don't care. But I expected there to be some better quality options here for the biggest event in sports. You know, some high-end escort types. It's disappointing, but I'll try not to let it impact my play on the field."
News Super Bowl XLVI to Feature Pregame Tribute to NFL Legend Lucas Oil
Oil, who died in 2002, is best remembered not for his accomplishments on the field but for the legacy he created after he retired, providing opportunities for thousands of underprivileged youths to excel at the game of football.
Commissioner Roger Goodell announced Tuesday morning in a press conference that a pregame ceremony would be held in Oil's honor, featuring an intimate performance by Grammy Award-winning singer-songwriter James Taylor and a series of tributes from players both present and past whose lives have been touched by ol' number 14. Further, Oil's widow, Henrietta Oil, and their four children will be in attendance.
"Without Oil's vigilant commitment to bringing the game to the underserved areas of our nation's communities, some of today's brightest talents, like Dwayne Bowe, Jimmy Graham, and Tiquan Underwood, might've never had the chance to play competitively," said Goodell. "And let us not forget about Oil's company, Lucas Oil, and all of the high performance products with which it has blessed our engines."
News Rob Gronkowski Said to be Hour-to-Hour as His Ankle Sprain Takes a Turn for the Worse
"You know I don't like giving out a lot of injury information, but please keep Rob in your thoughts and prayers," said an emotional Bill Belichick at a press conference today. "He has been downgraded from day-to-day and all we can do now is hope for the best and that Rob might have as much comfort as possible in whatever time he has left."
Gronkowski, New England's leading receiver, missed the team's practice yesterday and his high ankle sprain has spread even higher — into his kidneys, liver and lungs.
"Right now we're working to keep the high ankle sprain for getting to his heart," said Dr. Thomas Gill, Patriots team physician. "If it gets that high, there's nothing we can do."
The Patriots say their 22 year-old tight end has a "do not resuscitate" order, or DNR, in place should the ankle sprain stop his breathing.
News David Tyree Quits His Job at Best Buy to Take Advantage of His Last Week of Fame
"You have to strike while the iron is hot," said Tyree, who hasn't caught an NFL pass since his "helmet catch" helped the Giants upset the Patriots in Super Bowl XLII. "I learned that here at Best Buy. If a new line of phones come out, you sell them fast before something newer comes out."
Tyree's failure to show for work on Monday disappointed his shift manager, Kenny Gregson, who said he is glad all of his employees don't quit to go celebrate their smallest athletic achievements.
"First of all, I highly doubt he's some Super Bowl hero from four years ago," said Gregson. "If he was, he'd still be playing in the NFL and definitely wouldn't be working here. Plus, he supposedly caught one pass on his head? Big deal. I caught two touchdown passes in freshman football in high school, yet I showed up for work today, didn't I? It's dedication like this that earned me shift manager for the closing crew."
