"A percentage of the Super Bowl audience tunes in for the football, but we also know that much of America watches for the ads, and they want to see the crudest, lowest-common denominator humor our advertisers can provide," said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. "And it gets no lower than farting, crotch-punching monkeys. Glen is as important to the Super Bowl as the players are."
Glen first appeared in a Super Bowl commercial in 1981 in a spot for Pepsi. A teenage boy was trying to drink a Coke in the ad when Glen walked up, kicked him in the crotch and farted in his face. America loved the ad and Pepsi's sales skyrocketed.
By 1983 he was in every Super Bowl ad, from beer and car commercials to ads for feminine hygiene products and financial consulting firms. Last year he famously starred in a spot in which he went around kicking Americans in the crotch and farting in their faces if they didn't fill out their Census forms the spot hilariously culminating in him farting in President Obama's mouth as he held a national security meeting.
"I have never been charged with a crime," said Roethlisberger. "But you hope that if people see you are trying to make positive changes in your life, be a good person and not put yourself in bad situations, they will give you the benefit of the doubt. But even that doesn't win over everyone. So for all the people who still don't like me, let me say: 'I am sorry for all of the raping I have done in the past. I'm going to do my best to not do more raping. I hope we can all move past the raping now. That's all I will say on the matter.'"
The quarterback knew he would face some difficult questions at Super Bowl Media Day and sought out the advice of coaches, players and close friends on how to handle them.
"They said all I could do is just try to be gracious and present myself as the good guy I am trying to be," said the quarterback. "But I soon realized there were still some skeptics out there, so I just decided to audible to doing a 'My Bad on the raping.'"
"That's all I wanted to hear you say," said the reporter who asked Roethlisberger a question about his offseason incident. "We're good now. Thanks!"
He should just get hair plugs like Tom Brady and end the jealousy.
Picture Snow Lombardi Trophy
I'm worried how he made the "Steelers" part yellow.
She shouldn't feel too bad. He hates everyone. (via @xmasape)
It seems that theory is already being borne out.
Packers players arrived in Dallas on Monday holding camcorders to capture every moment of their first Super Bowl experience, and they say they plan to do the same during the game.
"I've talked to veterans who have only been here once and wish they would have cherished it more," said Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers. "I know the window is short in the NFL. I didn't even start until my fourth season. I want to remember every moment of this week and the game, of course, is the biggest part."
The Steelers say they understand where the Packers are coming from.
"I was the same way in my first Super Bowl," says Steelers fourth-year linebacker Lamarr Woodley. "I thought we had Super Bowl XLIII wrapped up in the second half against the Cardinals so I took out my Flip cam. Next thing I knew we were losing. Although I have really great footage of Larry Fitzgerald running into the end zone."
Maybe he can co-host a game show with the golden-voiced guy.