Off to the orphanage!
He's never been good at the Olympic Trials.
News England Quits Sports
"It was a bit of a surprise, but also not unexpected," said Tim Henman, a retired English tennis player. "We gave it our best shot, but we're simply not good at sport. It would be foolish and a waste of time and resources to keep trying to succeed in athletics."
The Cameron-Queen Elizabeth II statement said that England will uphold its commitment to host this year's Wimbledon tournament as well as the Summer Olympics in July and August.
"We carry through on our promises," it read. "However, we want to make a new promise: no English athlete will compete in Wimbledon or the Olympics or in football or cricket or golf or any sport ever again. Because we wish to put an end to the heartbreak and humiliation that sport brings to English people. That is our promise to you."
Little girls should be the new hurdles.
"We used the same timeframe that every other Olympic host has used for their torch relay," said London 2012 director Jeremy Beeton. "What we forgot to factor into it is that, well we British are not what you would call especially 'athletic.' In fact, we are almost impossibly slow. We have been asking our torch carriers to sprint to try to pick up the pace, yet still they aren't as fast as people of other nationalities walking. It's quite pathetic."
During one recent day in which the torch was originally scheduled to travel 15 miles up the western coast of England, it moved just 320 yards down one street despite being carried by six different runners. One sprained his ankle, another took a break for tea, a third died, the fourth runner came down with gout, a fifth runner accidentally set himself on fire, and the final runner had to be treated for severe sunburn due to being out of doors on an unusually sunny day for more than 20 minutes.
Perhaps they use Gillette razors to shave their butts.
When the gun sounded to start his heat, Phelps dove into the pool and then didn't resurface for several seconds. He then appeared at the top of the water, wildly flailing and gasping for air, before dropping below the top of the water again. Lifeguards and paramedics then dove into the pool and pulled Phelps out, where mouth-to-mouth resuscitation was conducted.
"All athletes go through slumps," said Gary Mourning, Phelps' coach. "Just look at Albert Pujols. The London Olympics are still two months away, so I am fully confident that Michael will be back in form by then."
Phelps spoke to reporters briefly from his hospital bed at University of Miami hospital.
"I just need to focus on the fundamentals," he said. "You know, not swallowing water, moving my arms and legs in a controlled manner so I don't fall to the bottom, that sort of thing. I'll get through it."
Oh, well. Forget the Olympics then. Let's all just go to war.
Picture Great Moment in Olympics History
He used the torch to set fire to an ex-girlfriend's house.