He wins the gold in Excruciating Pain.
"At first I thought maybe it was just a leaf or something, but then I went over to check and it definitely was a big log of poo," said Tommy Holt, who lifeguards at the Aquatics Centre for a summer job. "I immediately blew my whistle and told everyone to get out."
Per Aquatic Centre policy, the pool was then closed for 30 minutes while the feces was fished out and the pool was treated with a fresh batch of chemicals. However, several swimmers did not go back in after the Holt blew his whistle with the all-clear.
"I've been working my whole life for this," said Canadian swimmer Mark Riley. "But no way I'm going back in the pool 30 minutes after a turd was in there. That 30 minutes sounds like a completely arbitrary time to me, right? I mean, there's no way the pool is clean in that time. I want a medal, but I don't want it enough to get feces particles in my mouth."
"My daughter Kyla is really really tiny but she has an almost alarming amount of muscles for someone so small," said Jeff Grayson, an Atlanta father, of his 8 year-old daughter. "We didn't know what to do with her. We wonder if she would have to be institutionalized. But now she can't stop talking about being a gymnast. She's really excited."
The Graysons are like families all across the country.
"Our little Kendra is 9 years old and only two-feet tall," said Mindy Matthews of Spokane, Wash. "We assumed she would have to live with us forever because someone so tiny and with such a squeaky voice is unlikely to ever get married or have a career. But now we all have a goal thanks to those ripped sprites of the gymnastics team. Thanks, little ladies!"
Opinion Summer Olympics Pickup Lines
Having a rib removed is cheating in the sport of gymnastics masturbation.
NBC Sports Chairman Mark Lazarus defended the network's decision.
"Day after day at the Olympics we bring the biggest events and news of the day to our viewers in primetime, as though they are happening then," said Lazarus. "Today's big news was that the Olympics are cancelled because that dragon that came out of nowhere killed everyone. There's no way we're running that at 1:00 p.m. in the afternoon when half the nation is at work. The ratings back me up on this."
Lazarus said the decision to hold the dragon story was unanimous among NBC executives, "although, granted, most of them were killed in the attack and didn't have a say."
Elton John should probably win this.
"I didn't care to see that all," said a fellow countrymen in attendance. "I didn't recognize the name and it just seemed, well foreign to me. I'll be honest, I would have gotten into the event a lot more if that medal had gone to someone from my country. But with a foreigner winning? I really don't care."
Worst of all, it wasn't just one medal that went to a foreigner, but all three: gold, silver and bronze.
"The chances I watch this sport again are pretty slim," said a viewer. "Now I know why it was on one of those weird extra channels of coverage. They only put the sports on their that my country is lousy at. I don't have enough time to sit around watching my country lose to no-names from who knows where."
A quick look at the London 2012 medal count shows that foreigners have dominated the haul so far, continuing their run of success since the first Olympic Games.
Afghanistan You repeatedly defeat invading forces because your country is an inhospitable hellscape. Congratulations. Except for the fact that you live in an inhospitable hellscape.
Albania There are 91 animal species in your country considered to be globally threatened. Stop killing your animals, jerks!
Algeria Wait, aren't you Albania? Has anyone ever checked? Probably not.
American Samoa Your claim to fame: providing the name for a type of Girl Scout cookie. Impressive.
Andorra Your country sounds like the name of some crappy minivan. The Nissan Andorra. Great for driving your kids to some random country!
Angola You provide many of the world's diamonds. No doubt that's all on the up and up.
Antigua and Barbuda Oh, jeez. Two names? Really? You're completely irrelevant by any name. Don't kid yourself.
Argentina People might consider visiting you if Brazil wasn't on your continent. Tough break there.
Armenia The biggest ethnic group in your country is Armenian, at 97.9 percent of the population. What a melting pot of Armenians you are. Such diversity!
Aruba Biggest claim to fame: once name-dropped in a Beach Boys song.
Australia Penal colony.
Austria Oh, only the birthplace of Hitler. No biggie.
Azerbaijan You're governed by a unitary constitutional presidential republic? Oh, please. Those never work.
You fail to medal once and suddenly you're terrible.