Filed Under » Summer Olympics

Swimming events at London 2012's Aquatics Centre were halted today when lifeguards spotted a floater in Lane 6 during the 100m butterfly.

"At first I thought maybe it was just a leaf or something, but then I went over to check and it definitely was a big log of poo," said Tommy Holt, who lifeguards at the Aquatics Centre for a summer job. "I immediately blew my whistle and told everyone to get out."

Per Aquatic Centre policy, the pool was then closed for 30 minutes while the feces was fished out and the pool was treated with a fresh batch of chemicals. However, several swimmers did not go back in after the Holt blew his whistle with the all-clear.

"I've been working my whole life for this," said Canadian swimmer Mark Riley. "But no way I'm going back in the pool 30 minutes after a turd was in there. That 30 minutes sounds like a completely arbitrary time to me, right? I mean, there's no way the pool is clean in that time. I want a medal, but I don't want it enough to get feces particles in my mouth."

The U.S. women's gymnastics team took gold in the team competition on Tuesday night, achieving their lifelong dreams and inspiring a whole new generation of miniature girls with muscles and pulled back hair.

"My daughter Kyla is really really tiny but she has an almost alarming amount of muscles for someone so small," said Jeff Grayson, an Atlanta father, of his 8 year-old daughter. "We didn't know what to do with her. We wonder if she would have to be institutionalized. But now she can't stop talking about being a gymnast. She's really excited."

The Graysons are like families all across the country.

"Our little Kendra is 9 years old and only two-feet tall," said Mindy Matthews of Spokane, Wash. "We assumed she would have to live with us forever because someone so tiny and with such a squeaky voice is unlikely to ever get married or have a career. But now we all have a goal thanks to those ripped sprites of the gymnastics team. Thanks, little ladies!"

While media organizations the world over today clamored to cover perhaps the most amazing news story in history — the total destruction of the city of London by a giant, fire-breathing dragon — American Olympics rights holder NBC chose to not report the news until their primetime broadcast of the Games tonight.

NBC Sports Chairman Mark Lazarus defended the network's decision.

"Day after day at the Olympics we bring the biggest events and news of the day to our viewers in primetime, as though they are happening then," said Lazarus. "Today's big news was that the Olympics are cancelled because that dragon that came out of nowhere killed everyone. There's no way we're running that at 1:00 p.m. in the afternoon when half the nation is at work. The ratings back me up on this."

Lazarus said the decision to hold the dragon story was unanimous among NBC executives, "although, granted, most of them were killed in the attack and didn't have a say."

The good mood at the London 2012 Olympics was tempered a bit today when a person who isn't from your country won a medal.

"I didn't care to see that all," said a fellow countrymen in attendance. "I didn't recognize the name and it just seemed, well … foreign to me. I'll be honest, I would have gotten into the event a lot more if that medal had gone to someone from my country. But with a foreigner winning? I really don't care."

Worst of all, it wasn't just one medal that went to a foreigner, but all three: gold, silver and bronze.

"The chances I watch this sport again are pretty slim," said a viewer. "Now I know why it was on one of those weird extra channels of coverage. They only put the sports on their that my country is lousy at. I don't have enough time to sit around watching my country lose to no-names from who knows where."

A quick look at the London 2012 medal count shows that foreigners have dominated the haul so far, continuing their run of success since the first Olympic Games.