Filed Under » Stuff You Might Have Heard

Cincinnati Reds manager Dusty Baker is getting most of the blame today in light of the death of Reds starter Randy Mason, who tragically passed away over the weekend in a boating accident. "I'm just saying," said Reds fan Linda James. "Look at his track record with pitchers – Kerry Wood, Mark Prior. Now this. The one common factor is Dusty." Police say Mason, who had a 1.6 blood alcohol level, lost control of his boat and slammed into a bridge support on the Ohio River. That's all the evidence one caller into a Cincinnati sports radio show needed: "I bet his hands slipped off the wheel because his elbow was so tired. Dusty should be charged for murder."

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced Tuesday that the 2014 Super Bowl will be placed at Vice City’s Hyman Memorial Stadium, home of the Vice City Mambas. "I know this may be a controversial decision," said the commissioner. "But there will be some things that we will expect from Vice City. For starters, we’ve asked the VCPD to get the murder rate down from its current rate of 95-percent to a more reasonable 85-percent. We’re also concerned with what seems to be a lax attitude towards drugs and overt sexuality in the city. For example, the fact that the airport is named after Pablo Escobar and the stadium is named after the hyman does not coincide with the NFL brand image.”The NFL also announced that halftime show coordinators have decided that five years from now local favorite Love Fist will be old and uncool enough to play the halftime show.Goodell was presented with a key to the city by a local prostitute, and, as is tradition for every ‘key to Vice City’ ceremonies, proceeded to killed her with it.

Golf phenom Jordan Spieth, the 16-year-old who contended at the Byron Nelson Championship, today signed an endorsement contract with Nike worth "like, eleventy jagillion dollars," said the golfer. "It's real and everything," he said. "They even let me eat for free at the Nike cafeteria. They had chicken nuggets!" Jeff Morrow, brand manager for Nike Golf, said Spieth's deal is worth $220,000 over 15 years. "But to a kid his age, that sounds in upwards of eleventy jagillion. Man, I love working with kids." Morrow earned his position at Nike after inking Michelle Wie several years ago to a million gillion catillion dollar deal ($80,000 over 7 years).

The NASCAR Hall of Fame inducted the internal combustion engine in its inaugural class of inductees at the new facility in Charlotte, North Carolina. It was also the only inductee. "Engines can't speak," said NASCAR chairman Brian France. "But if it could, I'm sure it would thank us for the honor. And stress to us that we're all absolutely nothing without it." Voting for next year's induction class is expected to take place soon, with the cro-magnon man who invented the wheel the likely pick for the 2011 class. Then the NASCAR Hall of Fame will have no more inductees.

The stock market dropped today over news that the U.S. continues to lose run manufacturing jobs, with Latin America as the top destination. "Year after year, guys like Albert Pujols and Miguel Cabrera remain atop the RBI list," said Goldman Sachs analyst Elliott James. "Even the Asia market, behind the likes of Hideki Matsui, as well as Ichiro Suzuki's ability to get on base, has lessened America's hold on run producing." But White House economic adviser Larry Summers says the U.S. still maintains the lead in run manufacturing. "We produce quality runs," he said. "Truly manufactured runs. Guys getting to first then getting bunted over, then hustling to third on a single slapped to right and then scoring on a sacrifice fly. That's a scrappy run. That's an American-made run."

Usain Bolt got off to a slow start in his first race of the 2010 track season in Daegu, South Korea, running the opening heat of the 100m in 14.74 seconds — 5.16 seconds more than his world record for the distance. "You're always a little rusty to start the season," said Bolt. "Track is like every other sport. I hope to get up to mid-season form soon." The world champion says he has a set practice program in place. "I try to run very fast in the morning," he said. "And then, in my afternoon session, I try to run very fast more." Bolt won his heat in Daegu. No other sprinters cracked 20 seconds.

The entire accident only took a few seconds – from the car’s flipping, to the explosion, to the driver running out of the car screaming and on fire – but it was still one of the funniest things the fans had ever seen. "Oh, man. That was awesome,” said Richard Jensen. “This was the first time I’ve been to a funny car race, but if they are all this good, I’ll be back again. Hi-larious. It’s rare these days for something to be understated in its title.”Jon Heller, the driver whose car exploded, was happy to entertain the crowd.“It’s always hard to hear the laughter when the flames are roaring all around you,” said Heller. “But once the bandages are removed from over my ears upon completion of the skin grafts, I will listen to the tapes.”

The mind games that Lakers head coach Phil Jackson loves so much got even more bizarre today at a morning shoot-around when he repeatedly stressed to reporters that Lakers star Kobe Bryant "travels pretty much every time he drives to the basket. But, for some reason, it's never called." Jackson said it's not his job to enforce the rules, but that if he was a ref, Bryant would be whistled repeatedly. "Also," Jackson added, "Ron Artest could be called for hand-check fouls on most every defensive possession. Just sayin'." Bryant says he's not too concerned about the possibility of increased attention from officials. "I'm just going to play my game," he said. "I can't blame Phil. He's been out of ideas for about 8 years now."

The Cleveland Cavaliers were dealt a serious blow in their attempt to come back from a 3-2 series deficit against the Boston Celtics when reigning MVP LeBron James chose to exercise a clause in his contract and opt out of the 2010 Playoffs. “I’ve got a lot on my plate between filming TV commercials, making movies and watching Yankees games,” said James. “And I realized all these distractions were starting to affect my play. I mean, it's May sweeps. What if I'm needed to film a big commercial? I don't really have time for basketball right now.” Rather than continue to tarnish his legacy, like he did in a dismal Game 5, James chose to opt out of the playoffs and get a jump on his impending free agency. He said he ran the idea past his coach and GM, both of whom were understanding of the decision. “I talked with LeBron, and we both agree this is the right move for him,” said Mike D’Antoni.

Red Sox pitcher Tim Wakefield decided to throw a knuckleball last night in the first inning, even though catcher Victor Martinez gave him the sign for a slider. "Yeah, I don't know how to throw a slider," said Wakefield. "So I shook it off and went with my knuckleball." Martinez said Wakefield didn't seem to get the joke. "I just wanted to remind him that he's not a real pitcher," said the catcher. "But, you know, in a light-hearted way. I'm a real baseball player. He's just a normal guy with a gimmick pitch." Wakefield said he actually did get the joke. "That's why I threw that knuckleball in the dirt and made him look like an idiot trying to stop it."