Filed Under » Stuff You Might Have Heard

In his tell-all autobiography to be released this fall, current Cavaliers center Shaquille reveals that as a rookie in Orlando, he repeatedly dealt with bouts of severe paniq attaqs. “It was a really trying time for me emotionally. I was in a new city, getting paid a ton of money and being very young, and all the pressure just manifested itself in almost daily paniq attaqs.”O’Neal recalls how in his second month he decided to see a psyqiatrist about the problem. “I was having pretty severe baq problems, and wasn’t playing well as a result. The fans were getting on me and I just needed to see someone. I’d always viewed psyqiatrists as just a bunch of quaqs, but in my first session he administered a Rorshaq test and helped get to the root of my problem: I laqed confidence in myself.”O’Neal was able to overcome his problems and went on to have a stellar rookie season, which he credits entirely to seeking help with his problem. “the faqt of the matter is I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for the help I received as a rookie to get on the right traq. I honestly owe him every paycheq I’ve ever received.”

Former NFL running back and Today show host Tiki Barber says he is becoming increasingly suspicious that he is not the father of his newborn twins to his estranged wife, Ginny. "You take a look at them," Barber said, holding up the babies. "Who do you think they look like? Ronde, right? I knew it!" Ronde Barber insists he is not the father. "Tiki is talking crazy," he said. "We're identical twins. Of course his kids would resemble me. I didn't touch his wife." But later, after Tiki left the room, Ronde said: "Ohhhh, yeah. I did her. Lots. That's one of the advantages of being a twin — you can get away with stuff like this. Those kids are mine, but they're on his dime."

Having just returned from attending the World Cup in South Africa, your friend Josh asked today if you heard him blowing his vuvuzela during the U.S.-Algeria match last Saturday. "I'm sure you heard me," he said. "I was all like 'Bzzzzzzz! Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz!' I bet you didn't know it was me doing it." Josh was disappointed that you hadn't recorded the game, meaning there was no way to go back and hear him. He also didn't hear you say that you actually did record the game, as he is completely deaf now.

The Baltimore Orioles today placed their fans on bereavement leave to deal with the crushing reality that the team is horrible and has absolutely no hope of ever contending in the American League East. "I can't say I didn't see this coming," said Orioles fan Jeff Folk. "It's been staring us in the face for years. But it's time to let go and grieve." Under baseball's rules, all those placed on the bereavement list must miss a minimum of three games. "That is not a problem," said Orioles fan Melinda Rogers. "In fact, I don't think I'll ever be back. I'm done. Unless there's a good bobble-head giveaway or a fireworks night or something like that."

In what many are calling an upset, raw puncher Michael Dokes knocked out Phillip McCormick last night in Atlantic City, pummeling the classically trained boxer to the canvas with a barrage of wild, power-packed haymakers, some of which landed.“Phillip was planning for a long fight,” said McCormick’s trainer, Freddie DeFranco. “He was going to methodically exploit Dokes’ weaknesses until he was rewarded with a decision by the judges after the final round. But then that mad man came out and started punching him so hard and it ruined our whole plan. All that training and Phillip goes down in 38 seconds. What a jerk that Dokes is.”Dokes said he got into boxing after a promoter saw him break another man’s jaw with one punch in a bar fight.“I may not know every little thing about boxing,” said the undefeated Dokes. “But I can punch really, really hard. And, I’m sorry, but I am going to have to rely on that until I receive the proper training.”

The record-setting tennis match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut finally ended today at 70-68 in the fifth set when Isner ripped a forehand past his opponent of the last 11 hours. "Wow. That was a really long match," said Isner. "Just lots and lots of tennis. Lots and lots of tennis." Mahut agreed: "My God. What a long match. It was just so … long. It was very … lengthy. Really just … time-consuming, I guess you could say." Patrons who attended the match said they will tell their grandchildren one day about witnessing the 11-hour Isner-Mahut match. "They'll say: 'Grandpa, what was it like?'" said one English fan. "And I'll say: 'Well, imagine a regular tennis match. And now imagine it being, like, five times as long. It was very long, basically.'"

The Houston Astros announced today that they will hold a special ceremony before Wandy Rodriguez's next start to retire his ERA number. "It is our goal that never again will one of our best pitchers have this number," said general manager Ed Wade. "Or really any of our pitchers. Even in the minor leagues. As it is quite terrible." Rodriguez's next start is against San Francisco and Matt Cain, who has a 2.16 ERA on the season. "I bet by the end of the season they retire my number 20, too," said Rodriguez, who is 3-10 on the season. "Although maybe I'll lose even more than 20 games."

Former NBA point guard Muggsy Bogues flew to Sudan today to get a series of photographs taken of him standing next to Manute Bol's casket. "Yeah! Who's shorter now?" Bogues said grinning as the photographer he hired snapped away. "Five-foot-three is way taller than under the ground! Woooooo!" Those close to Bogues say he has long been bitter about being forced to pose repeatedly during his career beside Bol, who dwarfed him by 28 inches. They say they begged him to be more respectful to Bol in his passing, but that Bogues refused. "We locked him inside his house so he couldn't leave," said his brother. "But he crawled out through the dryer exhaust and went to the airport."

Lakers reserve Adam Morrison half-heartedly participated in the team's locker room celebration of its championship win over the Celtics last night, trying to avoid getting sprayed by champagne, but ultimately becoming drenched. "I hope this doesn't kill the bugs," said Morrison, worriedly feeling around in his hair. "I have a louse that is ready to hatch its eggs." The champagne shower was Morrison's first since the Lakers won last year and the reason he plans to seek employment on another team next season. "This isn't a good fit for me," he said. "I want to be on a team bad enough that I won't keep getting showered by champagne. I want to be on a team so bad that I play. Playing will really let me get my stink up."

According to several reports, basketball superstar Lebron James has decided he would like to follow Tom Izzo to Michigan State and play for the Spartans. "The decision is final," said a source close to James. "Michigan State isn't far from Akron, the Spartans are always in contention for championships, and playing there allows him to take on a new challenge without having to do something crazy like signing with the Knicks or Clippers." While playing in New York or Los Angeles would have allowed James to expand his brand there, his advisors are happy knowing taht playing in the Big Ten will allow him to secure Nebraska.