Filed Under » Stuff You Might Have Heard

After misunderstanding an article printed in the Afghanistan Times Daily back in May, Kabul City resident Al-Lateef Mohammed booked a trip for him and his family to New York City for a religious pilgrimage. The article, which was about the prospective free agency of LeBron James, had made mention of the New York Knicks’ home court, Madison Square Garden, being the “Meccaof Basketball.” Mohammed, who had been making the same pilgrimage toMecca, Saudi Arabia for years, jumped at the opportunity to fulfill his religious duty in a new environment.Upon arriving at the “World’s Most Famous Arena,” Mohammed was mortified to find The Garden had absolutely no affiliation with Islam. After police arrested him for crying in the middle of 32ndStreet, Mohammed told them of his glaring mistake. Out of sympathy to the family, Madison Square Garden management provided them with free courtside tickets to a Liberty game. After the game, an embarrassed, yet cheery Mohammed said he learned a lot from his trip. "I learned that the team that plays here, the Knicks, are really quite terrible," he said. "Also, did you know when someone outside a sporting arena asks if you have tickets, they’re really asking if you want tickets?”

The Dallas Cowboys took creatine yesterday in the NFL supplemental draft, feeling the muscle-building substance was just the supplement the team needed to add bulk onto its players. "We are happy to welcome creatine to the Dallas Cowboys," said owner Jerry Jones. "I know it's had some problems in the past, accusations of being laced with banned substances, for example, but we're confident those days are behind it." With the pick before the Cowboys, the Detroit Lions selected Flintstone's Chewables.

Former Arsenal, Barcelona and French national team star Thierry Henry announced Wednesday that he will come to the United States and attempt to play the sport of soccer. "This is a big challenge for me," said Henry. "But I have accomplished a lot in football and I feel like it's time to try something new." While fellow superstar Michael Jordan tried to change sports 16 years ago and failed, Henry hopes he can be more successful transitioning to soccer. "If you think about it, football in Europe and soccer in the MLS aren't really all that different," he said. "The games have many of the same principles, only soccer is much slower and there tends to be more mistakes and tripping and running in the wrong direction and failure. I'll just have to work hard and hope for the best."

Seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong admitted today that he "doesn't have a goddam clue" what a peloton is. "In fact, I don't understand half the terms in cycling," he said. "Any idea what a 'slipstream' is? Please, someone feel free to clue me in." The cycling legend went on to explain that he doesn't quite get why cycling has teams or what the function of a team is, or why many race leaders completely cede some stages to other riders. "I just always rode my bike as fast as I could," he said. "I never looked to much into the other stuff because it just seemed boring and stupid."

Spain has the World Cup. Now they plan to celebrate in front of their fans with a parade throughout the center of Spain. The parade will begin in the northwest corner of the country, head down through Madrid, Sevilla and Cadiz, then along the Mediterranean coast up to Barcelona, circle back towards Madrid again, but then head up along the northern border. At 5-10 mph, the parade is expected to take 18 days. "Oh, no," said Spanish forward David Villa. "I actually kind of wish now that we had lost." The parade route will be significantly shorter than the 7,964-mile parade Brazil had in 2002. That parade lasted nearly three months due to dense jungle terrain, and half of the team died.

The City of Cleveland was spurned by NBA superstar and Northern Ohio native Lebron James on Thursday, the latest in a long line of slights against the city. "You know, I'm honestly starting to think this place might really be the shithole that outsiders say it is," said Cleveland mayor Frank Jackson. "I kind of like it here. At the very least, I am content. But I suppose other places are much, much better because absolutely no one wants to stay here. Am I dumb for sticking around?" Sheila Coleman, director of the city's Tourism Board, admitted she is also starting to have her doubts about Cleveland. "Surely there is a reason we get screwed over time after time," he said. "It can't always be other people. It has to be us, too. It's just depressing. It takes the fun out of promoting our Drifter Beautification program."

David Kahn, president of basketball operations for the Minnesota Timberwolves, successfully opened up significant cap space this morning by chipping away the toothpaste that had dried inside the cap of his tube of Crest. "It took me a few hours, but I think I will be able to screw the cap back on now," Kahn said. "I had toothpaste all over the sink. The next project is to figure out how to get all of this toothpaste off my sink. I think I might try to light it on fire." Kahn took the day off to work on his toothpaste problem, missing a call at the office from Lebron James about signing with the Timberwolves.

In his first press conference with foreign reporters since his infamous troubles began last Thanksgiving, Tiger Woods was not shown the same deference afforded him by the American media. One reporter from the London Sun, Alan Wise, asked him highly personal questions about his crumbling marriage, even continuing after Woods first answer showed he would not cooperate. Hours later, rolling off the reporter's wife, Woods told her: "Let your husband know I'm available to do an exclusive, one-on-one interview. No topic is off-limits. But he has to include the footage I just shot of us boning." Wise said he is considering Woods' offer.

Baseball history was made last night when the New York Yankees turned the first 2-6-12 double play in modern times, if not the first sine the game was invented. "I never thought I'd see one of those," said manager Joe Girardi. "It was pretty cool to witness. It wouldn't have been possible if Francisco Cervelli hadn't made such a strong throw to short to get it started. That's what did it." The A's say they plan on appealing the play with the MLB office. "I appreciate baseball history as much as the next guy," said A's manager Bob Geren. "But something is fishy about that play. I'm not sure where that last fielder came from. I think he was a drunk fan who wondered in from the stands."

Free agent forward Rudy Gay is off the market. Gay was being pursued by Minnesota and New Jersey, among other teams, but after weighing his options has decided to go with an absolutely ridiculous amount of money: $82 million over 5 years. "At the end of the day, I decided I was really comfortable playing for an obscene amount of cash," Gay said, laughing and rubbing $100 bills all over his body. "I had some temptation to go where I could win, but more money than I could ever know what to do with easily outweighs a championship trophy," he said. "A lot of players win championships. But only a few lucky ones are grossly overpaid."