Filed Under » Stuff You Might Have Heard

The New York Jets have announced they plan a naval blockade around Revis Island, hoping to bring the tiny nation to its knees. "No money, no cafeteria food, no team gear shall flow into Revis Island until it ends its aggression against the Jets," said Jets leader Rex Ryan. "We must crush this uprising and set an example in the region." But Darrelle Revis, the sovereign king of Revis Island, has no plans of folding. "I do not fear the Jets. They are no superpower," he said. "They will fold to me when they see what it's like to have Kyle Wilson and Antonio Cromartie as their sole allies. The national debt and overpopulation problem of Cromartie will bring them down."

Redskins defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth passed the team's wheezing test this afternoon, successfully breaking into a wheeze after going up two steps into the team cafeteria. "We created the test just for Albert," said head coach Mike Shanahan. "And we're very encouraged with the results. Yesterday he didn't even break into a wheeze. He just passed out. He's getting there." Haynesworth also impressed the team by running the length of the field after seeing an ice cream truck parked beyond the end zone.

The Cincinnati Reds today received relief pitcher Tom Majewski as the player to be named later in an earlier trade with Houston. The acquisition of Majewski, retired now and age 76, completes the 1963 deal between the Reds and Colt .45s. "An intern looking through some old deals just happened to see that we never sent anyone to the Reds in that trade," said Houston Astros general manager Ed Wade. "I wanted to make that right, but no way was I going to give them someone worthwhile in a 47-year-old trade. So I gave them Majewski." Majewski says he will help the Reds in any way he can. "I haven't thrown a baseball in 17 years," he said. "And I've got arthritis and a bad hip, too. But I still watch baseball and from what I've seen of the Reds, I can contribute to their pitching staff."

With major league baseball’s trade deadline just hours away, sources in various front offices say that many teams are trying to unload their crappiest players for better ones.“Most GMs seem intent on keeping their good players, but they are putting most – if not all – of their bad players on the block,” says a source. “But few are seeing any offers for their terrible players that really bowl them over.”But some deals will likely go down before the deadline arrives.“It’s a buyer’s market right now,” he said. “But I’m finding buyer’s still don’t want to buy crap, regardless of how cheap it is. For example, my neighbor had a yard sale last Saturday and only made eight bucks on two old beanbag chairs. Eight bucks for standing outside all day on a beautiful Saturday. What a waste. I’m going to make one more call on this old, washed up reliever we have. And if no one wants him, I’ll just call it a day and put him back in my bullpen.”

A loud and unruly crowd at AT&T Park last night broke the stadium’s noise meter when it refused to stop cheering even though the meter was clearly being pushed to its limit. "I realize we are the ones who put the noise meter up, but there’s no excuse for the fans to purposely destroy it like that,” said Giants team president Laurence Baer. “It’s rude, is what it is. Rude. Now we have to pay a bunch of money to buy a new noise meter or just go the rest of the season without one.”One Giants fan said he regrets his role in breaking the noise meter.“I guess I just got caught up in the moment,” said season ticket holder Matt Mancuso. “The crowd noise kept growing and I guess it became mob mentality at some point. I’m just glad no one got hurt when the noise meter finally exploded. There was fake mercury everywhere.”

Milwaukee Brewers beat writer Jeff Walker discovered a trade rumor way up in his ass today that would send Prince Fielder to the Yankees for Joba Chamberlain. "Admittedly, there's absolutely no basis to the rumor," Walker said on Milwaukee sports radio. "But any good reporter knows that when you're in the bind for a story, looking in your ass is the best place to pull some news." Despite its dubious source, Walker's ass scoop was picked up by national media outlets across the country and run as legitimate. "This could be great for my career," he said. "If I can find more stuff in my ass, I have a chance to be a media star."

New Jersey Nets starters Brook Lopez, Devin Harris and Courtney Lee have announced they will play under the "Mediocre Three" nickname. "We just thought 'Big Three' was disrespectful to Bird, McHale and Parish," said Harris. "Also, we're not very good." The threesome also considered the "(Relatively) Big Three", "Hoping-To-Improve Three", and "Three NBA Players". Lopez said they did not seriously consider the nickname many Nets fans have been calling them: "You Guys F—king Suck!" "We wanted to work 'Three' into it somehow," he said. "'You Guys F—king Suck' doesn't have that."

The Florida Marlins called up rookie Bryan Petersen this week and, after he was given his uniform and locker, the outfielder was taken to meet the team's stadium music coordinator to pick some appropriate rock music for a white baseball player. "I'm a little more into hip-hop," said Petersen. "I also kind of like Debussy. But I was told I needed to pick some hard rock like Metallica or Queens Of The Stone Age. Something very, very white." Marlins stadium music coordinator Jon Phillips says stereotypical at-bat music keeps things running smoothly. "Latin guys do Salsa, black guys get rap, white guys get rock," he said. "Those are the rules. You can't have Hanley Ramirez coming up to bat with Radiohead on. It will blow everyone's mind."

NBA legend Michael Jordan ripped into the X-Men today, saying that if he had superpowers he never would have joined forces with other similarly gifted mutants. "There's no way I ever would have called up Wolverine, called up Storm and said: 'Hey, we should fight evil together,'" said Jordan. "No, I would have wanted to save the world by myself, competing with those mutants to do it. The X-Men are weak pussies. That's the truth." It was not clear whether Jordan was speaking hypothetically or if he thinks the X-Men are real, as he was into his seventh rum and coke at the Harrah's in Atlantic City. "I could still play in the NBA," he added.

An internal investigation by the University of Florida into possible malfeasance in their athletic program has determined that no wrongdoing took place. "In fact," said Florida athletics director Jeremy Foley, "not only was there no wrongdoing, there was only rightdoing. Yay!" Foley said he will immediately report the good news to the NCAA so they can set about not punishing the program. "Wow. What great news out of Florida," said NCAA president Mark Emmert. "Glad to hear our programs are being so good." Florida also announced findings today that the school is totally awesome.