Filed Under » Stuff You Might Have Heard

Tampa police were called to disrupt a fight at Finnegan’s Bar in the city on Friday night, but patrons who called the cops were quickly informed that the brutal brawl they were witnessing was actually a sanctioned MMA bought for a world championship. “The guy in the ref outfit should have tipped me off, I guess,” said one bar customer who called 911. “But, hey, I saw a guy getting elbowed over and over in the eye socket. It looked dangerous and possibly fatal. Now I know it was nothing but entertainment.” Lt. Pete Rogers, who responded to the scene, said police are often called to the scene of MMA fights. “Yeah, we get a few a month,” he said. “And even people who get in actual fights now are smart enough to say they’re fighting in a semi-pro league to try to get away with it. I don’t let them get away with it, of course. Unless they, like, do something cool like bite the other guys ear off or something.”

The Mercedes Cup in Stuttgart paused before the start of play today to have a moment of extreme silence for a former professional player who passed away last week. “Mathieu Montcourt was a great tennis player and a great friend,” said Roger Federer. “And I am glad we had a moment of very, very silence for him. A few months ago there was just a moment of silence during a match, and I didn’t notice anything and kept doing what I was doing. It was quite disrespectful, yet entirely accidental. But today it was definitely more silent than a regular tennis event.” Rafael Nadal says he hopes he is honored when he passes away one day. “I don’t want a moment of extreme silence,” he said. “I would like a moment of noise. I think that would be memorable.”

Despite taking two days off of work to think of ideas, Arizona Diamondbacks fan Bryan Miller was unable to create a sign supporting the team for Sunday's game that incorporated “FSNSW” for broadcaster Fox Sports Net Southwest. “I did my best,” said Miller. “I just wanted to give the team a boost and get my face on regional cable. So much for three years as a creative writing major, huh?” Miller said his best FSNSW effort was: “Friends Should Not … S … W.” “I was going for something about friends not letting other friends root for the Marlins,” he said. “But I ran out of space.” Miller ended up attending the game with a sign that read: “Fox Sports Southwest and the D-Backs: Both No. 1!”

The San Diego Padres are off to a disappointing 36-52 start to the season and this afternoon held the 438th coaches-only meeting of the young season.

"We just felt it was time,- said manager Bud Black. "Actually, it was time. We have a coaches meeting every afternoon at 12:30 p.m. And also one at 9:15 a.m. and then another quick one before night games around 5:45.-

Padre bench coach Ted Simmons said the coaches-only meeting was very productive and could spur a turnaround for the team.

"I think having a routine is integral to success,- said Simmons. "So, in that way, this meeting was huge. But on a micro level, it was kind of a waste of my time. I"m sure we could have finished it in half the time. I would have rather gone out to lunch.-

Kobe Bryant finally proved he could win a championship without Shaquille O’Neal. But to many, it seems all Bryant did was switch out O’Neal for other very tall black men. “When people doubted Kobe could win without Shaq, it wasn’t that they specifically meant Shaq,” said USA Today writer Jeff Winters. “All Kobe did here was a bait-and-switch. If he can win a title without Andrew Bynum and DJ Mbenga or really any person of color taller than 6-foot-7, then we’ll talk.” Bryant says he feels he has quieted his critics for good. “I have nothing left to prove,” he said. “But for his legacy, I think Shaq needs to win a title while playing alongside unathletic white people.”

Middleweight boxer Michael Davis took another step closer to a title shot Saturday night with a knockout victory at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas. And following his victory he credited his mother and father and their years of physical, emotional and sexual abuse for enabling him to be the boxer he has become.
 “I couldn’t have done it without mom and dad,” said Davies. “No well-adjusted person can become a boxer, and they did a fantastic job screwing me up in every conceivable way. I’m confident the anger I have inside of me over my childhood will be more than enough to take me to the title.”
 Davis said he has his parents in him mind during every bout as inspiration.
 “Once the opening bell rings, I just imagine the other guy is my dad or mom, and then I beat the living sh-t out of him. It’s great therapy,” said Davis.
 The boxer said he also thanks God for his success, because without The Almighty allowing the abuse to take place, his boxing career never would have taken off.
 “God is good,” said Davis. “If He sends my parents to hell, that is.”

The PGA Tour player who golfing legend Gary Player said is on steroids, says he blasted an eight-foot putt some 60 feet past the hole today in a practice round – proof that his newfound muscle is really starting to produce on the course. “All those steroids are starting to pay off,” said the unnamed golfer. “I’m absolutely crushing my putts right now. I don’t have the accuracy yet, but the distance is there. The greens can’t contain me anymore. It doesn’t matter how big they are. It doesn’t even matter if its one of those giant British Open greens – I’ll knock the putt right off.” The anonymous golfer says that while he hasn’t gotten off of a green with less than three putts in several weeks, he feels his steroids use is helping his game. “It sends a message to the other players. It intimidates them,” he says. “When they see me blast a putt off the green or put a huge dent in the back rim of the cup, they know they can’t match my power. They may earn more money on the Tour than me, or quote unquote ‘score better’ than me, but they can’t match my power, the size of my biceps or the quality of golf groupies that I get. And that’s all that matters.”

Ten-year-old competitive eating phenom Robbie Kimmel has something many elite competitors have that sets them apart from the average populace: natural, God-given athletic ability.

"You see athletes in every sport who were given an advantage over everyone else from birth with size, speed, muscle, whatever,- said Kimmel"s gym teacher, Mark Rawl. "Robbie"s like that when it comes to eating. He"s simply a fat, disgusting pig. He was built for gluttony.-

Those close to the boy say he got his blessed obesity from his parents.

"You look at his parents and they"re nearly as big piles of sh-t as he is,- said neighbor Ronda McPhee. "I mean, just a group of people who are tough to look at and struggle to perform even the most simple daily tasks due to their size. But with Robbie it"s something even more than that. I think he may have some sort of gland problem, too. He"s a lucky kid.-

Leroy Walter, a homeless Chicago man, has been repeatedly complimented of late by passers-by on the 1969 Walt Chamberlain Los Angeles Lakers jersey that he wears on top of his parka.

"All these kids keep coming by and complimenting me for the jersey,- said Walter. "Apparently these old jerseys are really cool now. I guess I"m just lucky since I found mine near a dead prostitute in an alley about 25 years ago. Who knew that today it would be such a fashion statement?-

Walter says that he primarily wears his jersey in order to keep his parka from disintegrating, not for style.

"The jersey fits real tight over my coat which is good, since for years its been more or less full of holes and held together by duct tape,- he said.

A blistering 100m time of 0.82 seconds put in by an Oklahoma high school sprinter will not be recognized as the world record because in was registered during a furious F4 tornado that whipped through his town, swept him up and hurled him and most of the crowd over the finish line.

"I knew when I broke out of the blocks that I got a good start,- said Owen Norbridge. "I felt like I was flying. And a split second later, I was – right in the eye of the tornado. Then a sheep and a huge section of a roof beam hit me and knocked me over the finish line. Once I was mercifully dropped to the ground a few hundred yards past the finish line, the first thing I thought was: 'Thank God I"m alive." Then right after that I though: 'Oh, man. They better not try to rip this away from me because of the whole tornado thing. I mean, my times were really improving. Six months ago I was running 12.2s. And I got it all the way down to 11.5s. So I don"t think a sub-one-second 100 is impossible for me.-

Norbridge says losing his world record hurts almost as much as losing all of his teammates in the storm.

"I was the only one who survived the tornado, so I was deemed the winner and the world record holder in order to keep my spirits up through my recovery,- he said. "Luckily, though, I will be keeping at least one world record. Apparently no one before in history has been thrown over 500 yards by a tornado while impaled by a javelin, relay baton and pheasant. So that"s kind of cool, I guess.-