Filed Under » Stuff You Might Have Heard

Writer George Plimpton took part again today in the sports writing genre he created in 1965 with his book “Paper Lion” – participatory sports journalism – by spending the day at a Detroit Lions practice. Plimpton, who died in 2003, was used as a tackling dummy during defensive drills.“Before his death, George expressed to us that he wanted to return to the field one more time,” said Lions owner William Clay Ford. “Unfortunately, that didn’t work out before he died. So I think this was the only alternative. I’m sure he’s looking down on us today with a smile on his face. Or, at least he was until Ernie Sims broke all of his ribs off.”Fordsaid he had several other journalists who wanted to participate in Lions camp this season, but decided to go with the legendary Plimpton – albeit his corpse.“There were some other writers who wanted to do a Plimpton for an article,” he said. “But being that they were actually living, I was afraid they might somehow upstage our players and make them look bad.”

Boston Red Sox manager Terry Francona announced today that due to the acquisition of Victor Martinez from Cleveland, team captain Jason Varitek would have his captain duties relegated to the bench area. "Jason is going to see the field a lot less now," said Francona of his catcher, who is mired in a four-year batting slump. "So it doesn't make much sense to have him in charge of the guys who are actually out on the field playing." Varitek says he is excited about his new role. "I will help this team any way I can," he said. "And I will take this bench captaincy very seriously. I will tell you one thing that's going to change around here — all the paper cups on the floor. We bench players have to stand in this crap while everyone else is out on the field having fun. That sh!t is going to stop now. It's my stop priority." The current Red Sox starters say they have no intention of listening to Varitek anymore.

Former West Tallahassee (Fla.) High School JV pitcher Ronnie Lee was scheduled to start rehab today, but he was unable to check-in when he lost the day at Pete's Tavern across the street from his apartment. "If I'm going to go sober like my family and ex-wives say I need to, I thought I needed one last drink on the way to my truck to get it all out of my system," said Lee. "I guess I just got carried away a little. But by the time I woke up in the bathroom, i figured it was too late in the day to start rehab." Lee is scheduled to go again Friday and says he will pound some tequila shots for courage.

As the debate continues to rage over swimsuit technology, several swimmers have begun complaining that Australian swimmer David Patterson has an unfair advantage in the pool due to his tiny penis and testicles. "His almost complete lack of bulge creates almost no drag in the water," said Michael Phelps. "I bet I could take a second or two off all of my times if I was that poorly endowed." Phelps and other swimmers support the adoption of a bulge standardization rule that would require swimmers to wear a cod piece if their manhood is deemed to be too small. "It's the only fair way to do it," said Phelps. "Not all of us were lucky enough to be born with miniature junk."

The Seattle Mariners acquired pitcher Ian Snell from the Pirates this week in their deal for Jack Wilson, offeringthe troubled Snell — 33-46 in his career with a 4.75 ERA — a much-needed change of scenery. "This is exactly what I needed," said Snell. "It will be neat to give up six runs in four innings set against majestic Mount Rainier. Getting my pitches hit into the Allegheny River had lost its charm." The Mariners are hoping the change in scenery will inspire Snell to change many of his pitches.

The Washington Nationals are expected to be sellers at the trade deadline, but interim GM Mike Rizzo says fans shouldn't expect any immediate returns on possible deals. "I'm exhausted, to tell you the truth," Rizzo said, mumbling into his cell phone while laying on the couch in his office. "I've got a ton of paperwork to catch up on, scouting tapes to watch, contracts to negotiate … and I haven't gotten to any of it. I'm sure I will. Just not now." And that's just Rizzo's work tasks. "I haven't mowed my lawn in weeks." So any trades the Nationals make — and Rizzo says they will only deal if opposing teams refuse to leave him alone, forcing him to pick up the phone — will be for players to be named later. "I'll figure out who we'll get in return eventually. Maybe a pitcher. Maybe a hitter. I guess those would be the two options. Anyway … I'll try to figure it all out by Thanksgiving or Christmas."

The Pittsburgh Pirates briefly decided to set aside their clubhouse game of hearts today to play a quick game of Major League Baseball. "I wanted to keep playing, but some guys wanted to try baseball for a bit," said reliever Jesse Chavez. "I hope it doesn't take more than two or three hours or I'm coming back in here to play cards." Starting pitcher Zach Duke says he is going to stay at the table and play hearts. "They can go out there and do whatever they want to do, but I'm dealing another hand. "It's the benefit of being a starting pitcher — I only have to stop playing cards once every five days."

Five seconds into his arm wrestling match, Jake Radziewicz knew it was going to be tough to win. "He was stronger than I was. I couldn't even maintain a good grip," said the retired plumber. But then he happened upon an idea. "I needed to switch my cap around — just like Stallone in 'Over The Top.'" So Radziewicz reached up with his free hand, turned his hat around and — suddenly — the match was over. "In the time it took me to flip my cap, he slammed my hand off the table. It was a pretty stupid move on my part. Maybe the trick is turning your cap before the match. Or maybe the trick is being strong."

Chicago White Sox DH Jim Thome, considered one of the friendliest players in baseball, stuck around for 30 minutes following last night's game to get the autographs of all the fans who wanted to give them.“I love interacting with the fans,” said Thome. “But beyond that, I got some really great autographs. I got Cindy Hepfer’s. She’s a two-time teacher of the year at Highland Elementary. And I got her son Billy’s, too. Good kid, Billy. Very respectful. I was honored that he signed.”But one White Sox fan said he was disappointed in Casey.“Thome is a great player and I was hoping to get his autograph for my son,” said Mike Jenkins. “So I gave him a ball and told him to sign it ‘To Austin.’ But the jerk didn’t sign it. He just passed it around to everyone in the stands to sign. What a dick. What is my son going to want with a ball signed by Cindy and Billy Hepfer, whoever they are?”

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that anyone convicted of war crimes by an international tribunal will receive a one-year ban from buying tickets to an NFL game. "The NFL system of justice trumps the American system of justice and the international system of justice," said the commissioner. "I don't care how much hard time a person serves. Once they are released, they still have to answer to the National Football League for their sins. No one can avoid the strict punishment of the NFL. No one. I would advise Osama bin Laden to stay in the hole he crawled into." While the league's one-year ban for war criminals applies to regular season games, Goodell said bin Laden would also be banned from attending preseason games for a year.