Filed Under » Stuff You Might Have Heard

After decades of being left out of the box score, Major League Baseball announced today that those kind of plays will start showing up in the official score sheet. “It’s about time those kind of plays get the notice they deserve,” said commissioner Bud Selig. “For too long the kind of plays that really win games have not been recorded. Well, that’s about to change.” Selig did not give specifics on how those kind of plays would be scored, but said the scoring decision would be up to the oldest broadcaster in the home team’s booth. And that the plays would be called Pedroias. “Hitting to the right side, fouling off pitches to increase the pitcher’s pitch count – these are all the kind of things that rack up Pedroias,” said Selig. “And just looking gritty in your uniform is worth two Pedroias.”

Pirates fan Gary Flint's impressive beer cup catch of a foul ball nearly rallied the Pirates to victory last night over the Marlins. The play is being called the most impressive of the season, just barely nudging out a double play opportunity that just missed being turned for top honors on the team's 2010 highlight reel. "The only reason I went to the game is because my boss didn't want his tickets," said Flint. "I was just sipping my beer and then this ball comes and lands in my cup, spilling a good portion of it. I was upset because the only way to actually enjoy an Pirates game is with a pretty serious buzz on." Several of the Pirates players wanted to meet Flint after the game for autographs, but Flint left at the top of the fifth inning, citing a desire to watch an episode of Navy NCIS that he had Tivo'd.

Reggie Bush expressed regret last week for his actions during his college days that have led to sanctions against USC, saying that if he could make it right, he would. "If only there was a way to return Matt Leinart's Heisman, trust me, I would do it," he said. "I know the Heisman folks have to be disappointed in his NFL career and how that reflects on them. But I can only encourage Matt to make the right decision, I can't make him do it." Bush has told Leinart that if he gives him Heisman back, he will make him a replica of his 2005 trophy. "I was awesome that year," he said. "I won't hold it against Matt that he wasn't."

Braves third baseman Chipper Jones, the face of the franchise, is out for the season after tearing his ACL while fielding a ground ball in Tuesday's game at Houston. And the Braves vow to exact revenge. "Next time we're in Houston, I am throwing at that patch of dirt slightly in and to the right of third base where Chipper went down," said pitcher Tim Hudson. "The league can fine me if they want. I don't care." The incident is just the latest between the Braves and dirt. Second baseman Martin Prado was injured last month sliding into dirt, and several Braves fielders have blamed dirt for bad hops this season. "Enough is enough," said manager Bobby Cox. "We won't be disrespected like this and not retaliate. Dirt is going down."

Slow and steady came in a disappointing dead-last today in race near Chicago.“I feel like I got some bad advice,” said the last place finisher. “I was told slow and steady would win the race. But that couldn’t have been farther from the truth. In fact, I came in about as far behind as you possibly could.”With the race distance only 200 meters, he now feels fast was the way to go.“Slow and steady makes absolutely no sense, now that I think about it,” he said. “It's insane really. I mean, this is a race, after all. It’s all about speed. Slowness shouldn’t even be in the equation. I think I need a new coach.”

Various bitches employed in the New York Knicks front office say they are not pleased with owner James Dolan's decision to rehire former team president Isiah Thomas in a consulting role. "We bitches are opiniated, that's how we are," said one bitch. "And our opinion is that we don't want Isiah back." Another bitch disagreed, however. "It's nice to be recognized around the office as a bitch," said the bitch. "Everyone likes to be noticed." Thomas believes the everyone will welcome him back soon enough. "These bitches will understand I care about them when I sexually harrass them," he said.

Reports out of Jets camp today say that star cornerback Darrelle Revis will end his holdout as soon as he finishes at least one season on Madden 11. "Darrelle told me from the beginning that he wants what he's worth and that he'll happily holdout until Madden 11 comes out in stores so he can just play all day," said quarterback Mark Sanchez. "I admire his stance. I wish I had the courage to do that." Jets owner Woody Johnson admitted today that he has not looked at the latest contract proposal submitted to him by Revis' agents. "I got an advanced copy of Madden 11 from this guy I know at EA," he said. "So I've been playing it non-stop for three days. I'll get to the Revis thing when I can."

The Seattle Seahawks apologized today for doing absolutely nothing that would have helped them win Super Bowl XL four and a half years ago. "I've had a lot of sleepless night since then," said quarterback Matt Hasselbeck, who completed just 53-percent of his passes in the game. "You want to perform your best on that stage and we didn't. At all." The champion Steelers scored on a touchdown run of 75 yards and a passing play of 43 yards, while Seattle's longest play was a 35-yard completion in desperation time. Bill Leavy, the official who called the game, says he appreciated the Seahawks speaking out. "There were a few debatable calls in the game," he said. "But I hope people now understand how hard it was for me to watch that game and officiate it, because the Seahawks really blew."

Louisville head coach Rick Pitino says he is happy that Karen Sypher has been found guilty of attempting to extort him, but wonders why the jury took so long to come to a decision. "The evidence was overwhelming," he said. "I was sitting there waiting and it was taking forever. Thirteen seconds, 14, 15. I asked my attorney then if anything had ever taken so long. He said yes, and that the jury hadn't even finished filing out of the courtroom yet." A few seconds later when the jury returned and the guilty verdict was announced, Pitino ejaculated down his leg.

CBS Sports.com fantasy football writer Jeff Tannenger filed an article today on the top sleeper fantasy tight ends that seemed to be written without any hint of irony or realization of how stupid and frivolous the whole thing was. "With Santonio Holmes gone and the Steelers going to more of a ball control attack, don't overlook Steelers tight end Heath Miller for solid fantasy points this year," wrote Tannenger with nary a LOL, smiley emoticon or self-deprecating joke. Tannenger says he takes his job very seriously: "Laugh if you want, but fantasy football is very important to many people and I treat it as such." He didn't crack a smile or smirk or anything.