Filed Under » Stuff You Might Have Heard

Tom Brady had a disastrous return to the field Thursday night in his first game since suffering a knee injury in Week 1 of the 2008 regular season. The former league MVP failed to complete a single pass with his surgically-reconstructed left knee, raising serious concerns that it is truly ready for the season. "I'll admit, I'm a little concerned," said one Patriots front office employee who was at the game in Philadelphia. "I wanted to see the knee chuck some balls downfield. But all it did was stand there. And sometimes it would bend." Brady felt his first game back was a success. "The knee felt good," he said. "But I'm probably not going to try to throw a ball with my leg until the regular season when we have a big lead on one of the sh!tty teams in our division. You know, just for fun."

A year after allowing 51 sacks, rushing for just 83.2 yards per game and going 0-16, new Detroit Lions head coach Jim Schwartz says the team is ditching the designated offensive lineman role and instead will be employing an offensive line by committee approach this year. "We may use as many as five offensive linemen, all spread out in front of the quarterback and facing the defensive line. It's worth a shot," said Schwartz. "Just using a center wasn't working for them." While a new approach for the Lions, the offensive line by committee approach has been en vogue in football for the past century. "Sometimes you just have to give in to the latest trends," said Schwartz.

A loud and unruly crowd at Jacobs Field last night broke the stadium’s noise meter when it refused to stop cheering even though the meter was clearly being pushed to its limit.

“I realize we have had a disappointing season, but there’s no excuse for the fans to purposely destroy the noise meter like that,” said general manager Mark Shapiro. “It’s rude, is what it is. Rude. Now we have to pay a bunch of money to buy a new noise meter or just go the rest of the season without one.”

One Indians fan said he regrets his role in breaking the noise meter.

“I guess I just got caught up in the moment,” said season ticket holder Matt Mancuso. “The crowd noise kept growing and I guess it became mob mentality at some point. I’m just glad no one got hurt when the noise meter finally exploded.”

St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa, with the bases full of Cancers last night and only one out, pulled his Gemini starter to bring in a Capricorn reliever to pitch to a Leo. "It was a crucial point in the game. Things were aligned," said LaRussa. "I needed that Capricorn-Leo match-up. Capricorn and Leo don't mesh well and I hoped it would result in a strikeout or double play." Unfortunately for LaRussa, his move produced a bases-clearing double, but he says he is glad he played the odds: "It's no more insane than batting the pitcher eighth."

Tensions flared last night when White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski came out from behind the plate to accuse White Sox starting pitcher Mark Buehrle of throwing at him. "You've been doing it all night, you piece of sh!t," yelled the combative Pierzynski. "What's your problem?" White Sox batters have been hit the fifth most times in the league this year, but Pierzynski says it's the catchers who have it the worst. "Every inning, it's the same thing. I'm just trying to sit there and call pitches, and these guys are chucking balls right at me at 85 and 95 mph." If it continues, Pierzynski says he may have to start wearing padding and other protection.

Oft-injured Cincinnati Reds third basemen Scott Rolen will return to the lineup later this week from concussion symptoms where he will remain indefinitely until he his hurt again. "We will evaluate Scott on a daily basis and see how long he has to remain in," said Reds manager Dusty Baker. "I know this is frustrating for him. He usually has definitive word on a season-ending injury by this point in the season." Rolen says he hopes to be back to 60-percent as soon as possible.

Moments after being pulled from the game for surrendering back-to-back home runs to Johnny Damon and Mark Teixeira, Boston's Daniel Bard was given a load ovation by the normally partisan Yankee Stadium crowd. But despite the outpouring of support, the reliever refused to come to the top of the dugout steps to tip his cap to the fans in appreciation. "I know he is a young pitcher," said Yankees captain Derek Jeter. "But he should know better. The fans just wanted to thank him for blowing the lead. It was disrespectful to ignore them." Bard says if he has another opportunity to take a curtain call at Yankee Stadium, he will do so — a promise that delighted many New York fans. "Good. I want to throw my beer on him," said one fan with seats behind the dugout.

A denial of service attack on the social networking site Twitter allowed NBA free agent guard Stephon Marbury some free time to see his psychiatrist for the first time since opening a Twitter account. The former All-Star, who posts as @StarburyMarbury, had been canceling all of his appointments to tweet or hold court on Ustream for hours on end. "The Twitter outage couldn't have come at a better time for Stephon," said his psychiatrist, Dr. Gerald Pheister. "He was pretty close to falling apart." After his appointment, Marbury spent the remainder of his day yelling Bible verses from a street corner and researching insane asylums with WiFi.

The New York Giants locked up quarterback Eli Manning today with a $97.5 million contract that will keep him in a Giants uniform for six more years. The figure will count zero actual dollars against the salary cap, however, as Manning requested the entire amount be paid in arcade tokens. Giants general manager Jerry Reese said he credits the ingenious maneuver to Manning. "He took one for the team," said Reese. "We wanted to pay him in money, but he insisted on arcade tokens. And he wanted his signing bonus in those paper tickets you use to buy stuff at the arcade counter. He says he's had his eye on a big sand toy they have way up high on the top shelf. He's been tricking out his sandbox." Manning says he is excited to remain a Giant: "Wheeeeeee!"

Philadelphia Soul owner and rock superstar Jon Bon Jovi has put his disappointment over the demise of the Arena Football League into his work, resulting in a cliche-ridden ballad about heartache and hope that is sure to please Bon Jovi's millions of moron fans. "I called it 'Arena of the Heart,'" says Jovi. "I think it ranks up there with some of the best stuff I've done." The song includes the lines "We cheered for the Soul / but all that was left was a hole … oh-whoa" and "They put walls around our field / yet they were the ones with walls around their heart." Jovi also announced that Soul co-owner Ron Jaworski will join the band for its upcoming fall tour.