Filed Under » Stuff You Might Have Heard

NFL receiver Plaxico Burress had another incident with a gun today, repeatedly shooting his attorney in the leg. "Oh. Whoops. Looks like I accidentally shot you in the leg," said Burress, after shooting his lead attorney, Benjamin Brafman in the thigh. "Oops. Did it again. And again. I'm so clumsy with guns." After Brafman crawled — screaming — into a nearby closet, Burress dragged him out by his hair, reloaded his gun and accidentally shot the attorney three times more times in the leg — including accidental shots to each knee cap for extra pain. "Oh, my! What have I done?" the receiver exclaimed, laughing hysterically. "Again? I shot you again? I'm so hopeless when it comes to guns." Brafman, who advised Burress to turn down an initial offer of two months in jail only to see his client ultimately receive two years, said he suspects the shootings were not accidental. "It's just a hunch I have," he said. "And my hunches are often correct. My hunch wasn't correct in the case of me thinking the district attorney would eventually drop the charges against Plaxico, of course. But you can't win them all." Brafman was then accidentally pistol-whipped by his client.

IAAC official Pierre Garoux emerged from his office after administering a gender test to Caster Semanya and announced to the gathered press corps that the South African 800m runner is a tender, attentive lover. "Unfortunately, I still don't know if Semanya is male or female," said Garoux. Garoux says he and the runner hit it off while conversing before the test began and, once the Semanya's underpants were removed to commence the exam, things quickly escalated. "I don't know if Caster will ultimately be allowed to compete and I don't quite know what equipment I was handling down there," he said. "But I do know one thing: I love her or him."

Thanks to an upcoming two-year stint in a state penitentiary, former New York Giants receiver Plaxico Burress says he finally has a solid reason not to shoot himself in the leg. "The excruciating pain gave me pause," said Burress. "And the nine months of humiliation and being a national punchline stopped me from going right out and shooting myself again, i guess. But I still had that urge to shoot myself again. Now, though, thanks to the justice system, I have seen the error of my accidental-shooting ways." Burress says that once he finishes his sentence near the end of 2011, he wants to speak to youth about not shooting themselves. "I got trapped in that culture of accidentally shooting yourself when carrying a gun for personal protection," he said. "I don't want to see other people go down that road. I have learned my lesson: always shoot others before yourself. You will spend much less time in prison that way."

The first-ever 100×4 relay at the track and field world championships was met with mixed reactions today after the opening heats.“It’s great to get so many more athletes involved – 96 more than in the regular relays,” said IAAF president Gilles Moncrief. “That format really stresses teamwork. But it looked a bit muddled out there with all of the constant handoffs.”U.S. sprinter David Gant, who runs the integral 51st leg in the 100×4, said that despite winning the preliminary heat, he didn’t have his best race.“The handoff wasn’t clean from the guy before me – I can’t remember his name,” said Gant. “And then after that, I never really seemed to get up to top speed. I only felt like I was just getting going by the time I got to the next runner. But, hey, it’s the world championships and I’m glad to be here.”

Jamaican track star Usain Bolt won an NHRA drag race championship today while holding a car frame on his body, Flintstones-style. "This was a little bit more of a challenge than the 100 and 200 is. The extra weight forced me to give 85 or 90-percent instead of my usual 70 percent," he said. "It felt good to be tested a little bit." Bolt hit 364.15 mph as he ran his crude vehicle across the finish line, crushing his fellow drivers. Second place finisher Dale Hawgood said he has nothing to be ashamed of. "Sometimes it's not skill. Sometimes it just comes down to who has the best equipment," he said. "And Bolt's car clearly had a better engine than my 7,000 hp ride." If he competes in a drag race again, Bolt says he will likely run with a car lighter than the Ford F-150 he hauled today.

San Francisco Giants pitcher and noted hipster Barry Zito surrendered a home run in his latest appearance — a loss — for irony, he says."There's so much emphasis in our sport, in the culture of baseball, on getting batters out," said Zito. "At least that is the pressure they put on pitchers. And I try to push back against that by giving up a lot of hits. And a lot of runs. And home runs. I do it to be ironic." Zito says many people don't quite get his point of view — primarily his teammates, coaches, Giants fans and the team's general manager who signed him to a huge contract. "If they don't get what I'm doing, they need to open their minds, man. The statement I'm making is bigger than wins or losses. Okay, maybe not losses. But definitely wins."

New Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre passed his physical today, but Vikings team physician Dr. Alfred Rayburn uncovered two potential trouble areas: a still-healing tear in Favre's right bicep and a massive asshole. "I have seen a lot of huge assholes — I work in professional sports, after all," said Dr. Rayburn. "But this is by far the biggest asshole I've ever encountered." Rayburn says the asshole issue is the biggest one facing the Vikings. "It's contagious. Coach Childress has already become a big asshole and Brett's only been on the team one day."

James Dyson, the reigning world’s slowest man, passed away today at age 46 when he was taken off life support by his loved ones.“James has a lot of records from his athletic career,” said his mother, Sandra. “Slowest to run a 100m – never. Slowest to run a marathon – never. He has been in a coma since he was born. He was like tarred lightning.” Dyson condition worsened on Sunday from a massive stroke that caused blood to arrive to his brain too slowly. With his passing, the world’s slowest man title passes to Frenchman Pierre Lacroix, 44, who also hasn’t moved since birth.“I always knew that keeping Pierre on life support all these years would pay off,” said his father, Jean Luc. “He is an inspiration.”

World's fastest man Usain Bolt will be able to cash in on his new world record 9.58-second 100m if he so chooses, thanks to a 2-year, $450 million contract he was offered personally by Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis. "I never heard of these Raiders, and I don't know anything about American football," said Bolt. "But $450 million is a lot of money to turn down. I could easily return to sprinting in two years in time for the Olympics. I'm just a bit hesitant to sign because this Mr. Davis sounded a little bit crazy on the phone." Davis says inking Bolt to the contract, which would put the Raiders over the salary cap several times over, is a great value. "I signed Darrius Heyward-Bey to a $23.5 million contract and he can't really play football either," said Davis. "And this Usain is significantly faster. So he would be appropriately slotted in our team salary structure."

Phil Mickelson continued to struggle at the PGA Championship today, hitting a massive duck hook with his putter on the 16th green, flying the ball into the lake that borders the fairway. "Phil continues to struggle with his short putts," said Mickelson's caddie, Jim "Bones Mackay. "But people always say he can do things to a golf ball that others can't and that's for sure. I've never seen someone hit a snap hook with a putter like that." Mickelson attributed the missed gimme to a bad break. "There were a number of factors – direction of the grains of grass, shadows, a leaf on the fringe," he said. "And right when I was about to tap it in, a big gust of wind came up — you probably didn't feel it, but it was huge — and that led to the duck hook. Tiger doesn't have bad luck like that."