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After agreeing that their Wednesday afternoon game was pointless because it meant nothing in the standings and seeing that few fans were in the stands, the San Diego Padres and Arizona Diamondbacks decided to report a final score of 6-5 to the league office and, instead of playing their scheduled game, hit one of San Diego's many oceanside golf courses. "What a great day," said Padres first baseman Adrian Gonzalez. "I shot a 78 and I got credited with a two-run home run I didn't hit." Commissioner Bud Selig said he is aware what the teams did and that it's not a rare occurrence. "Did you see the World Series last year," he asked. "No, of course you didn't. The ratings were terrible. Game 4 wasn't even played. The Phillies and Rays went bowling that night."

Daisuke Matsuzaka returned to the Red Sox rotation last night and pitched well over six innings, but disappointed catcher Jason Varitek by repeatedly shaking off his call for a gyroball. "Come on! Bring that sh-t! I've been waiting three years," Varitek yelled out to Matsuzaka after the Japanese star repeatedly shook off the gyroball sign with two strikes on Vladimir Guerrero in the fourth inning. "Show us why you're getting all that money." Despite Matsuzaka's refusal, Varitek continued to give his sign for the gyroball, in which he rotates one finger around and around and then tells the batter: "It's gyro time. Prepare to be amazed!" Matsuzaka, through an interpreter, says he has good reasons for refusing to throw the pitch. "It would get hit out of the park," he said. "I thought I was clear on this when I signed — in Japanese, 'gyro' means 'hanging curve.'"

As other players jumped on top of them following a fumble by Buffalo Bills punt returner Leodis McKelvin, two players at the bottom of the scrum said they used the opportunity to discuss life, love and some of the most pressing issues in our world today. “This is such a fast-paced game, you need those opportunities to really take a breath and connect with someone,” said Patriots special teamer Pat Chung. “I appreciated the chance to learn from and share with another one of God’s amazing creations.” Bills special teams captain George Wilson joined Chung at the bottom of the pile. “Pat Chung is a beautiful human being,” he said. “He told me the most heartbreaking, yet hopeful tales about Darfur. I was almost brought to tears. Although that was partly because someone was biting my ankle trying to make me let go of the ball.”

Like so many seasons before it, the 2009 baseball regular season seems as though it will go right down to the wire.“I have been in this game for five decades and it seems to happen every year,” said Dodgers manager Joe Torre. “The end always comes right at the end.” Phillies starter JA Happ echoed Torre:“I remember looking at the schedule at the beginning of the season, thinking: ‘There’s no way the season will actually go 162 games. But shows what I know as a rookie. Because it definitely seems like we’re going to play to the final day."Pirates manager John Russell says his team will also keep playing.“It is exciting to play games that count late into September,” he said. “All of these games we play, believe it or not, are actual major league games that will go in the official league record books. That’s big for this organization.”

Michael Jordan announced today that he will have former associate Mars Blackmon present him at his Basketball Hall of Fame enshrinement instead of David Thompson, as was originally planned. "I haven't heard from Mars in years," said Jordan. "They tell me he was homeless, living under some bridge in Brooklyn. I wanted to give him the opportunity to do this. He needs it." Blackmon admits he has some hard feelings towards Jordan. "We were tight. We were both famous," says Blackmon. "And then, all of a sudden, I wasn't in commercials with him anymore. He was winning titles and I was hustling just to make ends meet. It wasn't fair." But Blackmon says he won't spoil his former friend's moment. "I'll definitely touch on all the great things he did on the court, for sure," Blackmon said. "But the bulk of my introduction speech will be spent on gambling, baseball, punching teammates, adultery and — worst of all — the Wizards."

Maryland head football coach Ralph Friedgen got off the hot seat today when it crushed beneath his enormous girth.“I don’t think I should have been on the hot seat in the first place,” said Friedgen. “But it's nice to be off of it. That is stressful for any coach." Friedgen's secretary, Terry McIntyre, said she wasn't able to explain to her boss that hot seats are not literal. "He was eating fresh pies this morning and accidentally sat on one of them and got a bit of a burn," she said.Now off the hot seat, Friedgen’s next goal will be to get off the ground.“Little help down here,” said the coach. “I’m a big guy and I have a bit of a trouble getting up once I sit down. Anyone. Well, any dozen or so. Fat man in need here, people. Help me out and I'll give you some pie.”

After back-to-back Septembers that saw them choke away huge leads in the division, the New York Mets are growing confident that this September will be different. "I am proud to see how this team has put the past two years behind them," said manager Jerry Manuel. "We vowed before the season that we wouldn't let 2007 and 2008 happen again and we've been very successful in doing that." With just 24 games to play, the Mets have a 15-game cushion between themselves and last place and the Washington Nationals. Despite all the pressure and fan expectations, the Mets have played some of their best baseball of the season of late, winning four of their last 10 games. Even with that surge, Manuel thinks the NL East race won't be decided until the last week of the season. "We play the last three days of September in Washington," he said. "I have a feeling that's going to be for all the last place marbles. I'm confident we'll be ready."

Stanford beat Washington State 39-13 on Saturday and, in the process, gave the Cougars an education. "Their players really like to yap," said Washington State receiver John Monroe. "But their trash talk really isn't like anything I've heard before. There's a lot less cursing. It sounds almost like a foreign language." Stanford cornerback Donte White says he chose to quote from the selected works of W.B. Yeats on Saturday. "'One should not lose one's temper unless one is certain of getting more and more angry to the end'," said White, a physics major who says he dabbles in poetry. "Or: 'But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.' That sort of thing. Next game I think I'm going to go with some Kingsley Amis."

Pittsburgh Penguins defenseman Mark Eaton got his 48 hours with the Stanley Cup yesterday and today, a fact that didn't sit well with the famous trophy. "You have to understand. The Stanley Cup gets to hang out with some of the greatest players of all-time," said Mike Bolt, the trophy's handler. "Gordie Howe, Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux, Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin. So when it has to spend time with these mid-rate players, boredom comes quickly." Eaton, who has scored 62 points in his nine-year career, took the Cup back to his hometown of Wilmington, Del. "Ugh. It was brutal," said Bolt. "Wilmington is a dump. I noticed that the Cup tried to knock itself onto its side so it could roll into the path of a bus. But it's my job to keep it upright in those situations."

Ecstatic over their Cougars' upset victory over Oklahoma in the season opener, BYU fans say they may throw caution to the wind and celebrate the win the most crazy way they can imagine. "Lights-on sex," said BYU season ticket holder Don Smith. "Not the room light, of course. They didn't win the national title or anything. The hallway light. But still … golly. I can't wait. Miriam says she is up for it. Gosh, this is so … golly!" Cougars head coach Bronco Mendenhall says he can hardly wait to get back to the team's hotel. "My wife gave me a kiss after the game. Open mouth! I think we're going to have intercourse tonight. And not simply for procreation either."