Filed Under » Stuff You Might Have Heard

One day after marrying Los Angeles Lakers forward Lamar Odom, reality star Khloe Kardashian has reportedly told close friends that she was shocked and disappointed to discover that Odom's penis is actually much smaller than hers. "I guess she expected to see something better than what she lugs around every day," said a source close to Kardashian. The sister of Kim and Kourtney Kardashian reportedly waits to have sex with anyone she considers to be a possible serious partner. "She doesn't want them to judge her for her man parts," said the source. But Odom seems to have no regrets. "She lifted me up in her strong arms and carried me across the threshold as I nuzzled in close to her Adam's apple," Odom said of their wedding night. "It was magical."

Some 24 hours after the Detroit Lions won their first game in nearly two years, Lions fan and Detroit resident Jason Stepanko woke up in the middle of the afternoon still feeling pretty unemployed. "The win cheered me up for about five minutes," said Stepanko. "Then I realized how pathetic it was that my life is so much in the toilet right now that a bunch of guys who I've never met beating a bunch of other guys who I've never met at a sport I've never played was the highlight of the past few months of my life. That just made me more depressed." Stepanko says he then used the bulk of his latest unemployment check to get drunk, causing him to pass out and oversleep, missing a job interview this morning — the first interview he's had in three weeks. "If they had lost like normal, this never would have happened," he said. "The Lions always manage to screw me somehow."

After knocking out Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow with a brutal sack in the third quarter on Saturday night, Kentucky Wildcats defensive end Taylor Wyndham is now regarded as the next opponent for world-renowned superman Chuck Norris. "I'm not worried about this guy," said Norris. "I wasn't worried about Tebow either. I wasn't training for Tebow because I don't train. Punching trains isn't a challenge for me."

Following South Carolina's 16-10 upset victory over No. 4 Ole Miss last night at home, South Carolina students stormed the field and emotionally tore down Williams-Brice Stadium goal posts. "Oh, look how yellow they are!" yelled one student at the north end posts. "What — are you a coward, posts? Yellow, eh?" Meanwhile, on the south end of the field, students began emotionally tearing down the other goal posts. "You may be bigger than us, goal posts," said one student. "But you have no heart, no soul. When you die, you're just going to go to some scrap yard."

Minutes after he quit as head coach of the Phoenix Coyotes today, Wayne Gretzky called in longtime goon Dave Semenko to trash his office. "I wanted to do it, but I don't get my hands dirty," said Gretzky. "That's Dave's department. And he did a good job, too. He shoved a lamp through my flatscreen. I never would have thought of that." Semenko says he is willing to do anything for his old teammate. "Yeah, we keep in touch," says Semenko. "He'll call when he needs me to beat up a blackjack dealer or something like that. I'm just honored he calls me and not Marty McSorley."

While sports hernias are becoming increasingly common among athletes, many orthopedists claim another common hernia – the marching band hernia – is being drastically underreported.“The cool kids get sports hernias. But no kids want to get marching band hernias,” said Dr. Michael Bentley. “And if they do get them, they won’t go to the doctor to get them fixed. So they’ll walk around in pain — pain further aggravated by the atomic wedgies they receive with great regularity in their day-to-day lives.”Many marching band hernias are caused by the lifting of heavy instruments such as the tuba, while other marching band hernias come simply from the soft, muscle-free abdominal walls of the music geeks simply giving way from actions as tame as breathing or not kissing the opposite sex.“While marching band hernias are very unpopular among kids, they are actually seen as much cooler than glee club hernias,” said Dr. Bentley. “I refuse to treat kids with glee club hernias. If they are seen entering my practice, none of the cool sports hernia kids will ever come back.”

Last night's Rangers-A's gamedisappointed many fans of both teams when Fox Sports Net did not broadcast it in high-definition, but the network claims an HD broadcast was not possible because the game was not played in high-def.“I knew something seemed a little off,” said Rangers manager Ron Washington. “I thought maybe my prescription had gone bad or that my eyes were tired. I haven't been getting a lot of sleep lately.” Oakland manager Bob Geren was also thankful for the explanation. "Everything was getting blurry, going dim," he said. "I was afraid managing the A's was killing me. It still might. Just not today."

On the heels of a $125,000 fine from the NFL for not listing Brett Favre on their injury report last year, the New York Jets say they will list the Vikings quarterback on their injury report all season long. "Commissioner Goodell made it clear that there is no gray area with injury reports," said Jets general manager Mike Tannenbaum. "Brett will be on every report as long as I'm here." Tannenbaum said he originally listed Favre as "OUT (dickhead)" but was told by the league office that the listing would result in another fine.

MLB Network officials vowed today that they will quickly address the channel's glaring lack of football content — content its viewers are demanding. "Look, if I wanted to watch baseball stuff, I wouldn't have put on … well, whatever this is," said MLB Network viewer Steve Huffington. "I thought it was ESPN, but it's not and my remote batteries are dead. Whatever it is, they're really dragging on with all these baseball highlights." Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig hopes the MLB Network will generate significant revenue for the league in the long run, but if that is to happen, Selig acknowledges that changes will have to be made. "Obviously, we'll have to show more football. Perhaps nothing but football," he said. "Also, a name change might be smart. Something like 'NFL Network.' What? That's taken? Dammit!"

"Are you f—king kidding me? Another strikeout by this a—hole? F—k this sh-t, man, I can watch anymore," Pirates color commentator Bob Walk erupted on air. "These guys are a f—king abomination and I want to tear out by goddam eyes." Walk's outburst came during the seventh inning of Pittsburgh's loss to the Dodgers, their 17th loss in 19 games. "I don't care if I'm getting paid, this is cruel and unusual motherf—king punishment having to watch this sh-t every day." Pirates management says Walk has been spoken to about his outburst but will not be fired. "The f—k does it matter?" said team president Frank Coonelly. "It's not like anybody was watching the f—king game."