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The Greg Norman-captained International team fell behind the Americans on the first day of the Presidents Cup — a not terribly surprising result considering Norman's disastrous motivational speech before play began yesterday. "As you all know, I had a long and passionate love affair with Chris Evert that recently ended," Norman addressed his team. "But what you may not know is that I could make her come at the drop of a hat. She could not get enough of me. And this is especially impressive when you consider her age. Her love trough is not exactly perfectly lubricated and intact anymore, you know? Yet I overcame that challenge, and I think you can overcome the American team if you think about us boning while you're out on the course." Norman's speech lasted nearly 15 minutes and included dozens of graphic depictions of sex with Evert, as well as detailed descriptions of the naked, writhing, sweat-covered body of the now 54-year-old former tennis star. "I got a split in my match," said Retief Goosen, "and I consider that the greatest achievement of my career because I vomited for the majority of the front nine."

The Phoenix Mercury beat the Indiana Fever last night, pushing the WNBA Finals to another game as long as enough people show up to open the arena and turn on the lights and scoreboard and stuff. "Most leagues have a best-of-five or best-of-seven format for their playoff rounds," says WNBA president Donna Orender. "Our setup is more free-flowing. We play as long as we can until no one cares anymore." Under that format, the 2009 WNBA season is actually the first season in league history to last past the opening weekend of preseason games. "It's quite an accomplishment for the league," says Orender. "It's due to the growing popularity of women's basketball and to the fact that I was able to get a key for all of the gyms."

With the AL Central division title in the balance Tuesday night at the Metrodome, MLB personnel began preparing division championship gear for both the Twins and Tigers as the game stretched into extra innings. The Twins won and got to celebrate, but the championship hats and apparel that were made for the Tigers will be put to good use. "We always give those away to people around the world who really need it," said an MLB spokesman. "Darfur, Iraq, Haiti. These shirts are going to Detroit." Tigers manager Jim Leyland said the team's loss is probably the best possible result. "Had we won, people back home would have wanted to buy the shirts with their own money," he said. "Money they don't have to spend. Now they have these shirts and all of the loser's gear that kind soccer leagues in the Sudan have sent to Detroit out of the goodness of their hearts."

Moments after he told coaches and teammates that the game was finally starting to slow down for him, Texas State freshman quarterback Blake Bailey was rushed to the hospital due to suffering what doctors are calling a massive stroke. "Blake came off the field and tried to say something to me," said offensive coordinator Chip Myers. "Something about the gauge plowing town? I don't know. It was complete gibberish. He was slurring all of his words." Bailey is expected to miss the rest of the season and may never play football again. Head coach Mike Larson hopes that's not the case. "We're getting into the heart of our conference schedule right now," he said. "If you don't have a broken bone, you need to be out there. Strokes are like stingers. Sit out a play and get back on the field."

Jake Voskuhl is the latest basketball player to waver on playing for Team USA at the 2010 world championships, joining Dwyane Wade, LeBron James and others. "I would love to be part of that experience and play for my country," said the nine-year NBA veteran who just signed a non-guaranteed contract with the Dallas Mavericks. "But I'm going to be 32 this year and I don't know if my body can handle the extra pounding. I'm already playing four minutes some nights during the season." Voskuhl said it is also very unlikely he would get an invite from Team USA barring some sort of deadly virus outbreak that wipes out much of the country, yet somehow spares him. "If that's what happens, then I'll make my decision then."

Oakland Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell uncorked a 25-yard laser in the second quarter yesterday just over the outstretched arms of tight end Zach Miller to a spot where only Texans linebacker Brian Cushing could catch it. Cushing, however, dropped it. "It was my mistake," said Cushing. "I just didn't expect him to throw it there. It was such a small window for the ball to get to me and Zach Miller was wide open. I should have been ready. It's JaMarcus Russell after all." Raiders head coach Tom Cable says he aims to harness his quarterback's abilities. "JaMarcus does things on the football field that I have never seen before," said Cable. "If I can just flip those to be good things instead of horribly bad things, we'll be golden."

The Cincinnati Reds announced today that outfielder Tyler Heppner will miss the remainder of the season with a wrist injury. "It's been that kind of season for us," said manager Dusty Baker. "We haven't gotten any breaks." Heppner tweaked his wrist in batting practice this morning. He is not expected to need surgery, but his season is over. "He needs to get tougher," said one anonymous source in the Reds front office. "This is not the kind of thing that should end a player's season. He's going to carry the reputation of a soft player now."

"I don't really know what this Google Wave is," says NBA commissioner David Stern. "But it sounds like some unholy combination of blogging, Facebook and Twitter. So, basically, the worst thing ever. I can't have our players communicating without a filter to the outside world. Banned." Google Wave, a cross-platform, web-based communication tool that is currently in beta testing, is the talk of the Internet — and the greatest fear of coaches and league executives. "To me Google Wave sounds like change," says Texas Tech head football coach Mike Leach. "And i fear change. At least any change that is not within the structure of the spread offense." But some others disagree. "I can't wait to get my hands on it," says USC head football coach Pete Carroll. "I don't know what the hell it is, but I bet it's pretty cool. If it's fun enough, I'll let my players screw around with it during games."

According to reports circulating widely throughout right-wing blogs and talk radio, President Obama is flying to Denmark to make a last-ditch pitch to the IOC for Kenya 2016 — not Chicago 2016 as the White House stated. "Michelle Obama may be there for Chicago because, as far as we know, at least, she is from America," reads a post on the influential right-wing blog PerfectPundit.com. "But it's all smoke and mirrors stuff. It's cover for Barack HUSSEIN Obama to really campaign for Kenya 2016. In addition to destroying America, it's been his lifelong goal to bring the Olympics to his homeland. That has long been obvious to anyone with a brain. And with America now near ruins because of his actions, he is moving onto his second goal of the Olympics in Kenya." While the blog entry stated that Kenya does not have an official 2016 entry, commenters quickly noted that only further confirms the real truth. "Everything HUSSEIN does is in secret," wrote commenter Freedum76. "If he's not going to admit the big stuff like how hes a TERRORIST, hes not goin to talk about the small stuff like wanting to bring the olympics to his home country of africa either." The PerfectPundit post has been quickly picked up by larger right-wing news outlets who have all noted that the White House has "curiously" not responded yet to the reports. Meanwhile, former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has begun promoting her upcoming book, stating in an interview that Obama's link to Olympians deeply concerns her. "There he goes again, pallin' around with drug users," she said.

After a 6-0 loss to the Chicago Cubs last night, the Pittsburgh Pirates learned their very magic number has been reduced to 1, meaning they just need one more win or one more Dodgers loss to clinch homefield throughout the National League playoffs. "Being 59-97 is disappointing," said manager John Russell. "But thankfully we have a very magical number, far more magical than most teams' numbers, that can still get us into the playoffs. I am awestruck! Yay for magic!" In addition to the win/loss combinations, the Pirates magic number means they can also reach the playoffs if a one magical unicorn, ridden by Roberto Clemente, flies into their locker room with a Pirates cap atop its horn. "That would be awesome," said catcher Ryan Doumit. "I hope that's how we clinch it."