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Chicago White Sox slugger Manny Ramirez proved again today what an intelligent and wordly person he is by giving a pre-game interview entirely in Flemish, a variety of Belgian Dutch. Although Ramirez has lived in the United States since 1985 when he was 13 years-old, he chose to give his initial White Sox interview in Spanish. Today he spoke in Flemish and plans to use many of the other languages he is fluent in in the days ahead. "People think I am stupid and that's just not true," Ramirez said in Flemish. "All the languages of the world can teach us many things about being an asshole."

New York Jets quarterback made a strong statement today declaring his unconditional support for the controversial mosque that is planned to be built just blocks from Ground Zero in order to facilitate his access to Muslim women. "I'm sick of the prejudice against Muslims," said Sanchez at a Jets media outing. "We need to allow this mosque to be built in lower Manhattan because, quite frankly, I have not slept with nearly enough Middle Eastern women and I'd like to change that." Not all in the Jets organization support Sanchez's remarks. "Mark spends almost all of his time gallivanting with women," said Jets quarterback coach Matt Cavanaugh. "I held my tongue when he asked that the playbook be printed in Mandarin to impress Chinese girls at bars, but this is too much. We need Mark to be focused on football." Mosque financier Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf has publically appreciated the support, but in a written statement, cautioned Sanchez that these women will likely be pious and devout to their faith and not interested in his playboy lifestyle. "No matter," responded Sanchez. "I like a challenge. People, or more specifically, beautiful women, should have the opportunity to worship wherever they please. And when they're all worshiped out, they can swing by Casa Sanchez and we be pious together."

Team USA narrowly advanced past Brazil yesterday at the World Basketball Championships, a victory that failed to generate any interest in the team at home. "I was ready to open up the phones for callers to rip them had Kevin Durant not won the game for them," said Mark Minder, a sports talk radio host at KTMX in Dallas. "But since they won, no one cared." USA Basketball president Jerry Colangelo says the best possible outcome for the team is to lose an early game, but then still advance and win the gold. "That way we can be cast as lazy, pathetic embarrassments to get some buzz," he said, "but also win the championship — maybe even with some people watching."

St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa declined an invitation today to attend a political rally organized by former major league infielder and current Braves first base coach Glenn Hubbard. "I have heard the stories about Glenn and that's not something I want to be a part of," said LaRussa. "The divisive rhetoric, the racial overtones, the misleading information, revisionist history and dubious conspiracy theories. He may claim his rally won't be political, and it very well may not be, but I don't want to be associated with someone like that." The Cardinals' traveling secretary later apologized to LaRussa for confusing his invitation to a Glenn Beck rally with an invite from Hubbard to grab a beer.

Hoping they can prevent flamethrowing phenom Aroldis Chapman from meeting the fate of fellow young pitching star Stephen Strasburg, the Cincinnati Reds today put Chapman under the knife for season-ending surgery. "You can't be too careful with someone that has his talent," said Reds general manager Walt Jocketty. "So we went in and cleaned everything out so we don't have to do it later." Chapman, who was perfectly healthy, will miss 12 to 18 months of baseball and likely will never recover the max speed on his fastball or the same snap on his breaking pitches. "Also, Dusty Baker is the kid's manager," said Jocketty. "I mean, this surgery was inevitable. It's better we get it out of the way now."

"Damn girl, you single? You look FINE," said Tiger Woods to his ex-wife Elin Nordegren seconds after their divorce was finalized on Monday. He then told her he would "definitely hit that" and invited her to lunch at a nearby Perkins — "or, as I like to call it, F—king Friendly's, if you know what I mean." Nordegren declined and excused herself to go pick up their kids at a babysitter. Woods said the moments after the divorce was finalized were the first time he's been attracted to Nordegren in years. "Yeah, I probably shouldn't be married," said Woods. "Although, I'd marry that hot piece of ass if it was the only way I could GET WITH IT! Oh, jeez. I have a very serious problem, don't I?"

College football coaching legend Bobby Bowden is going on the offensive over his resignation, saying he was forced out of his job by university officials. "They didn't want me around anymore," said Bowden, "after all I gave to the University of Miami over the years as a chemistry professor. It upset me. It upset me sure as my name is Pete Johnson!" Bowden was then patted on the head by his caregiver and taken away for his afternoon medication. "Tell them I am being probed by aliens!" he yelled as he was being wheeled away. "Cauiiflower! Cauliflower! Cauliflower!"

Desperate Arizona Cardinals head coach Ken Whisenhunt dispatched God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit to Kurt Warner's house today in hopes to convince the retired quarterback to return to the NFL. "You want to limit the favors you ask the Man Upstairs," said Whisenhunt. "But this is important. If we have to play Matt Leinart, we are obviously doomed." God said He was happy to talk to Warner. "We talk everyday as it is," said God. "But he helps Me by coming back, too. It's great PR if the Jesus-loving gunslinger comes back and saves the team from that wretched Leinart. And I mean wretched in both his morals and his quarterback play. Especially his quarterback play. Jesus Christ, he's awful." "Yes he is," agreed Jesus Christ.

Former major league manager Lou Piniella got into it with his gardener today, angrily disputing a call the gardener made to move several herb plants to get more direct sunlight — a move that wilted the plants. After Piniella was thrown out of the garden by his gardener, Juan Martinez, he made a scene by kicking dirt all over Martinez's tools before finally storming off to get a shower. "I am not surprised Lou hasn't completely calmed down even in retirement," said Martinez. "He's not the kind of guy to relax. But it's okay. No hard feelings. I'll get him back. I'll use my feces to fertilize his tomatoes again."

The star of the Toms River, New Jersey, Little League team may miss action at the Little League World Series. Several reports claim Toms River first baseman Jack Brady, 12, is stricken with cooties. "Oh, gross. Cooties!" said 8-year-old Sara Martin, the younger sister of Brady's teammate. "Jack has cooties!" Several of Sara's friend confirmed the report. If true, Brady could miss the entire LLWS. However, according to the first baseman's girlfriend, he does not have cooties and "is, like, really great at kissing."