Filed Under » Stuff You Might Have Heard

Los Angeles Angels outfielder Torii Hunter continued to speak out on race today, reiterating his claim that Latino players are "impostors" as far as being considered black, and adding that former major league star Sammy Sosa is not a "real" white person. "See, this isn't all about blackness," said Hunter. "I can see both sides. And Sammy Sosa, or whoever that is claiming to be Sammy Sosa, is not a real white guy. I don't even know if it has a race or if it's even human." Hunter says he also doubts whether Mariners star Ichiro Suzuki is "really Chinese."

Little does Texas Rangers reliever Jason Gaffigan know that the semen he ejaculated into a groupie he hooked up with last night will cost him $10 million in child support payments over the next 18 years.“Last night was one of the perks that comes with being a professional athlete,” said a happy Gaffigan this morning, completely ignorant to his fate. “You meet some hot girl at a bar, she finds out you’re a pro athlete and she wants to sleep with you. Just a totally fun night, free of any responsibility or commitment.”But Mindy Reynolds, the woman Gaffigan slept with, knows better.“I’m ovulating. That’s why I slept with him and that’s why I told him not to use a condom,” she said. “I’m positive I’m pregnant. In fact, I already have my attorney putting together the paperwork to get his money. I just hope he doesn't want to be active in the child's life. This was purely an investment.”

Geno Auriemma's UConn Huskies won their 71st game in a row Monday night, establishing a new NCAA record. But the fact that the victory came against a women's team did little to silence the program's many critics. "I'm not sure what more we can do," said Auriemma. "We can only play the teams that are on our schedule." But a close examination of the 71-game streak shows that every one of UConn's opponents has been a women's team. In fact, Auriemma hasn't defeated a men's team — of any caliber — in his entire career coaching career. "Hey, congrats to Geno," said UConn men's head coach Jim Calhoun. "But all 14 of the losses my team has had this year we can be proud of. At least we are challenging ourselves."

Pittsburgh Steelers fan Jeff Thompson says he has been getting a lot of awkward glances at work today. "I'm a Steelers fan. I have repeatedly said that I think Ben Roethlisberger is one of the best quarterbacks in football, yes," said Thompson, an accountant at a Washington, D.C. accounting firm. "But I don't see why people are acting all strange around me. I didn't do anything. And by no means am I a fan of sexual assault just because I like the Steelers. That seems like a bit of a leap." Thompson's co-worker, Charissa Myers, isn't so sure. "We flirt a lot. There's something there. I was going to ask him out," she said. "But I don't know now. He's a Ben Roethlisberger fan. I don't know if Roethlisberger actually did anything, but is it worth the risk to date a guy who cheers for him? I don't think so."

NFL Network draft expert Mike Mayock said the opening hours of NFL free agency have completely ruined his most recent mock draft, which he spent "hours putting together" but is now useless. "I am just looking for a little professional courtesy," he said. "For weeks I've been saying that the Lions should and will draft a defensive lineman. But then they go right out and sign Kyle Vanden Bosch so everything I said, all that research i did … a complete waste." And the Vanden Bosch signing is just one example. With the expectation that personnel moves will be made up to next month's NFL draft and beyond, Mayock is concerned. "You know, sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder if my entire job is completely pointless," he said. "It's silly, I know. But sometimes I wonder if mock drafts are just useless filler."

Facing dwindling sponsor dollars, television rating and tickets sales, as well as the unexpected absence of Tiger Woods, the PGA Tour announced today that it will consider contracting or relocating many of its golfers. "Some of our less successful and less profitable players may be put down," said PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem. "We've never had to kill off golfers before, but such is the economic reality we are facing." Many of the golfers who are spared contraction will be moved to larger markets. "We have way too many golfers from middle-of-nowhere hick towns down south," he said. "That's no way to build ratings. So the whole town of Crapsville, Mississippi — population 500 — is watching an event. Who cares? Where are the golfers from New York? From Boston? From this day forward, John Daly is from Chicago and Sergio Garcia is from Boston."

The NHL got a big boost due to the exciting Olympic hockey tournament. And now commissioner Gary Bettman is looking to capitalize on the added attention with some tweaks he hopes will bring in more viewers. "I can't tell you how many people have told me they want the glow puck back," said the NHL commissioner. "Actually, I can. It's been five. Five people. In the past 10 years. That seems like a lot to me." In addition to the glow puck, Bettman has announced that any goals scored on pucks shot from within the face-off circles will be worth 10 "points". The commissioner says he got that idea from new league consultant Dan Cortese, who Bettman calls "one of the finest minds in all of sport." Other NHL executives agree that the league wants to capitalize on the additional attention, but said one high-ranking executive off the record: "We were hoping more that our big move would be overthrowing Gary."

U.S. Olympic bobsled champion Steve Holcomb returned home to Park City, Utah yesterday from Vancouver and immediately sought to capitalize on his gold medal by cruising through town, scoping out chicks. "'Sup, girl," Holcomb said to Lindsey Rader, nodding at the hottest girl in his 1999 high school graduating class as he sped by in his sled. "Hey, Heather, you should call me some time. We could hook up," Holcomb said next to former high school cheerleader Kim Lacoste. Both women returned Holcomb's greeting seconds later as his bobsled slowed to a stop on the flatter portion of Main Street.

Cavaliers center Shaquille O'Neal had incredibly unsuccessful surgery to repair his right thumb injury this morning at Union Memorial Hospital in Baltimore. The botched surgery was hastily performed by Dr. Thomas Graham, who was expected to re-attach torn ligaments in O'Neal's injured digit, but instead sliced off the center's entire right hand. "I don't really know what happened," Dr. Graham said. "Usually these surgeries on athletes are always successful, a mere formality. But now I'm covered in blood and chunks of bone and muscle." The surgery was attended by Cavaliers head team physician Dr. Richard Parker, who would have prescribed a follow up period of rest, treatment and rehabilitation, but is now attempting to fit O'Neal with a functional prosthetic hand in time for the playoffs. In O'Neal's absence, LeBron James is expected to continue playing all five positions for the Cavaliers, while O'Neal will attempt to teach himself to eat handfuls of strawberry frosting with his left hand.

According to the NBA league office, Michael Jordan is expected to be approved as the new majority owner of the Charlotte Bobcats by the end of March. And, according to Jordan's friends, the basketball superstar will likely lose the team gambling early in April. "I am looking forward to owning the Charlotte Bobcats," said Charles Oakley, a close friend of Jordan's. "I wish he was buying a better franchise than the Bobcats, though. I'd prefer winning the Lakers or Bulls off of him." Jordan says he would be buying a better team if he hadn't lost hundreds of millions gambling. "But this is huge," he said. "I get the Bobcats, put them up in a card game with some other owners, and I come home as owner of the three or four NBA teams. Maybe even an NHL team. I'd bet that in a craps game."