Filed Under » Stuff You Might Have Heard

A growing number of NFL players and draft prospects say they are concerned about the many NFL owners who claim no history of marijuana use. "The players and owners are supposed to sit down together and figure out a new collective bargaining agreement," said Vikings wide receiver Percy Harvin, "yet we can't even agree that lighting up a fatty is a nice way to start a day? And also end a day? This is a major problem." Steelers wide receiver Santonio Holmes says the non-use of marijuana among the owners is an "epidemic" that must be addressed. "And it's not just the owners," he said. "Commissioner Goodell needs weed, too. Stop suspending everyone and just mellow out a little bit."

The NFL has announced that its sudden death overtime policy will be changed for the 2010 season — a move that has been praised by the many critics of the league's overtime format. But a second look at the new rule reveals that the league merely shifted sudden death to regulation time. "We like the sudden death format," said commissioner Roger Goodell. "That's why it was in place for so many years. It wasn't an accident. Using it in regulation will require teams to be at their best right from the opening kickoff." Under the new sudden death regulation format, most games will not last more than five or 10 minutes, a fact Goodell says is best for the players and the league. "Shorter games keep our players healthier," he said. "It also allows us to schedule five or six games for each team every Sunday. Once the first game is over, we'll just kick everyone out of the stadium and then sell more tickets. I don't know why we didn't think of this earlier."

Kentucky freshman point guard John Wall admitted today that he had a hard time focusing on his calculus midterm this morning. "It's not just the NCAA Tournament that's distracting," he said. "But the professor, too. I don't feel like he communicated how calculus relates to everyday life. I would have appreciated that. Do engineers use it to build a bridge? Do astronauts us it to get into space? Can I use it on the court in any way? I wish he would try to make it come alive somehow." As proof of his distraction, Wall admitted he's not even enrolled in a calculus class. "Yeah, I thought I'd check out this History of Video Games class I was put in back in January. But I got lost and somehow ended up in there. It made me late for my Dribbling 101 midterm."

Moments after Wisconsin lost to Cornell in the second round of the NCAA Tournament, headline writers on the scene came to a consensus that the Badgers were "stunned" and not "shocked" to have lost to a No. 12 seed from the Ivy League. "'Shocked' is better when a favorite loses at the end of a game," said FoxSports.com editor Jeff Rogers. "'Stunned' was more appropriate because they were never in the game and because there have been so many upsets so far in the tournament." Wisconsin head coach Bo Ryan said his team was "disappointed", but not shocked or stunned as the Badgers knew Cornell was a good team. "He's in denial," said Yahoo! Sports editor Sean McGee. "They were clearly stunned, hence the headline."

Broadcasting legend Vin Scully was hospitalized overnight Thursday after he got up from bed too quickly, fell and bumped his head. EMTs who responded to the scene said the voice of the Dodgers cried out in pain better than anyone they have ever heard. "I shouldn't admit this," said Grant Wilson, who first attended to Scully, "but I didn't assist him as quickly as I would most emergency patients. I just sat and listened for a little bit. He described his injures in a way I've never heard anyone else do it. He was easily the classiest injured person I've ever met." Wilson's assistant, Cara Martinez, said she loved coming to Scully's aid. "Most times when you respond to a broadcaster's 9-1-1 call, they yell all these stupid, cliched catchphrases, like: 'Ohmigod! I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die!' So annoying. You want them to die. But not Mr. Scully. I hope he's around getting hurt forever."

In the wake of the news that manager Ron Washington tested positive for cocaine last season, many members of the Texas Rangers say they now understand why every sign the team has includes nervous and jittery rubbing of the nose. "The steal sign, hit-and-run, the take sign — it doesn't matter," said third baseman Michael Young. "They all are just nose rubbing. They only way we know the specific play is because Ron will stop rubbing his nose and say it really enthusiastically, like: 'You've got to hit-and-run! NOW! Let's do it, baby!'" Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton says he suspected his manager was on drugs. "I know what to look for," he said. "Plus last spring when I got wasted at that bar, Ron snorted some lines off my chest."

President Obama completed his NCAA Tournament bracket yesterday and reportedly slated Kansas, Kansas State, Kentucky and Villanova for the Final Four. Republicans immediately denounced his picks. "Villanova closed the season 4-6," said House minority leader John Boehner. "Now they're suddenly going to reel off four in a row to reach the Final Four? This is just more proof the president is out of touch and misinformed." RNC chairman Michael Steele also release his Final Four picks yesterday shortly after the president's bracket became public and chose "not Kansas, not Kansas State, not Kentucky and Duke."

NCAA Tournament Selection Committee chairman Dan Guerrero set up his secretary, Debra Watkins, on a blind date last night that Watkins describes as "perhaps the most awkward thing ever." Her date was a high school friend of Guerrero's who is happily married with three kids and thought he was showing up for a business meeting. And Watkins is an open lesbian. Perhaps worst of all, the Selection Committee chairman had them meet for dinner at a Red Lobster. "I just had a feeling about those two," said Guerrero. "I have a gift for this sort of thing, I thought they'd hit it off and I think they still will. Plus, my high school buddy is a Duke grad. You can't discount that."

David Beckham had barely stopped screaming in pain on the pitch in Rome and already top male models from Milan to New York were walking the runway with a limp. And within hours, boutiques around the world were deluged with order for the exact crutches Beckham was seen using as he left the stadium with a torn Achilles."It wasn't clear what would be the breakthrough fashion item of the season," said GQ fashion editor Ashton Rolle. "But the public will always want to look like a known fashion icon, and David Beckham is bigger than any out there." With Beckham's international soccer career potentially at a close, sources close to the star say he may use his injury and crutches as a transition into post-playing career endorsements. "We are already in talks with Advil and Ben Gay," said Beckham's agent, Jeff Frasco. "And I have a call into Skechers about those old man shoes that Joe Montana is hawking."

Dave Tanner won the Pennsylvania state high school wrestling championship today in the 128-pound division — mercifully ending his season. "It's all just so weird," Tanner said of wrestling. "All the grabbing and the rubbing and the touching. I … I … it's awkward to say the least. I just do it because my dad wrestled in high school." Tanner pinned his opponent with a reverse move, but not before he asked if it would be okay to do. "There we are both wearing lycra, and I'm clutching him from behind," said Tanner. "About to really thrust my midsection into his buttocks in order to gain leverage. So I'm not going to just DO that in public without getting some sort of approval. That's why I asked: 'Do you mind if … well … how to say this … I'm going to put my hand here and then really thrust that way. Is that okay? I mean, is that a problem for you?'" Tanner's opponent, Kirk Roth, said it was fine with him. "I wanted it to end, too," he said. "So I just asked: 'No homo?' And he said 'no homo'. And then it was over."