Filed Under » Stuff You Might Have Heard

Tiger Woods teed off at 1:42 p.m. ET at the Masters on Thursday. His first competitive drive since since stepping away from the game to deal with personal issues flew wide right off the face of the club. But a quick-thinking member of the golfer's 90-strong security detail shot it back into the fairway in mid-flight. "We are here to keep Tiger safe and let him play his round in peace," said Kirk Tepper, the former Navy Seal employed this week by Woods who shot the ball. "And nothing makes him more upset than wayward drives." Woods' ball exploded into pieces high over the rough when hit by the bullet. One piece was found on the green, just two feet from the hole, so PGA officials let him place his ball there and he putted in for eagle. Woods' team plans to continue to aid his comeback to the game in any way they can. "We have all of the bunkers heavily mined," said Steve Williams, the golfer's caddie. "If he hits a ball in there, it will be blown out onto the green immediately. You know, for his safety."

Brett Favre has confirmed that his daughter, Brittany, recently gave birth to a son, making him a grandfather for the first time. But what the 40-year-old quarterback apparently does not know is that the father of his unmarried daughter's child is his former backup in Green Bay, Aaron Rodgers. "It's true," said one of Brittany's friends. "They met when her dad was still in Green Bay, and they hook up from time to time. Britt doesn't have the heart to tell Brett." Rodgers also confirmed it's true. "Oh, yeah. Definitely," he said offering a high-five to everyone in the room. "I knocked up Favre's little girl. That's my baby. Suck it, Brett. I hope it looks exactly like me, beard and everything. And I can't wait until he watches the sex tape of us that I sent him that I titled 'Favre Highlights.'"

The Yankees and Red Sox opened the baseball season on the now traditional Opening Night with the Red Sox rallying for a 9-7 victory, a win that pushed the Toronto Blue Jays to 17.5 games out of first. "They're not officially that far out of first, I suppose," said Toronto Star sports editor Dale Pastoric. "But it's more of a placeholder in the standings. Budgets are tight here at the paper, and the Blue Jays will be that far out soon enough, so this saves us paying someone to update the standings." Blue Jays manager Cito Gaston says his team is not discouraged by its spot in the standings. "We have 162 games left and anything can happen," said Gaston. "And we're in a good spot. It actually feels more like we're 30 or 35 games out of first."

With just one more victory between his team and an improbable national championship, Butler head coach Brad Stevens announced today that the team is pulling out of the NCAA title game against Duke in hopes of putting an end to the nationwide plague of horrible butler-related puns. "If I have to read or hear 'the Butler did it' one more time," said Stevens, "I swear I will kill someone. I know I appear to be a calm, collected man. And I am. But everyone has a limit. And we have been pushed beyond all reasonable extremes." The school had considered changing its name before Monday's tip, but the legal paperwork was expected to take too long, leaving forfeit the only option. The New York Times, as well as dozens of other papers across the country, have reported the school's decision with the headline: 'The Butler Did It: Pulled Out of the Title Game, That Is."

Twins MVP catcher Joe Mauer spent $422,604 of his 8-year, $184 millioncontract on a round of Jeep Wrangler sport utility vehicles for all thecustomers at Obbs Sports Bar & Grill in St. Paul, Minn., Thursday evening. "Itwas awesome. He just came in, raised his arm, and did one of those fingerswirly motions. The next thing I knew, there were like 20 Jeep Wranglerspulling up outside the front of the bar," loyal Twins fan, and now owner ofa 2010 charcoal-colored Jeep Wrangler, Jake Goffred told reporters. "He[Mauer] even covered the tip for all the drivers, which was really greatbecause I don't think anyone else at the bar had $500 on them." According tohis agent, Mauer plans to cover the cost of damage and hospital visits fromthe 11 reported drunk driving accidents involving his Jeep Wranglers thatnight. And the accidents weren't the only issue with the gift. "Really? Cloth interior?" said Mike Jepsen, who got a white jeep. "If I made that kind of money, I'd be way more generous than that."

The New York Mets put six players on the abled list today, a move the team hopes will cut down on the amount of paperwork they have to file with the league. "Jason Bay is healthy, David Wright is healthy, Johan Santana and then three minor leaguers," said general manager Omar Minaya. "We'll get to you when and if anyone else avoids injury." Closer Francisco Rodriguez was originally on the abled list, but he was hit by an anvil that fell from the ski while he was sitting in the bullpen today.

If the Oregon Ducks are unable to lure Michigan State head coach Tom Izzo with the largest salary in college basketball, sources close to the program say they are prepared to offer Quin Snyder the lowest salary in the sport. Snyder, the former Duke assistant and Missouri head coach, and current head coach of the Austin Toros of the NBDL, has a conditional three-year, $117,000 offer on the table. If Izzo ultimately declines Oregon, Snyder is expected to accept. "Definitely," said Snyder. "A salary of $39,000 a year would be almost twice what I make in the NBDL." Oregon booster Phil Knight hopes the school's offer to Snyder will compel Izzo to leave Michigan State. "If he turns us down, the job will go to Snyder," said Knight. "How humiliating would that be for him to have it be publicly known that he was only one spot above Quin Snyder on a school's wish list?"

Pirates manager John Russell announced today that he will bat the pitcher fourth in the lineup this year because "F—k it. Why not?" he said. Russell had been considering putting the pitcher in the eighth spot, but eventually decided fourth was the way to go as part of a drastic attempt to end Pittsburgh's 17-year string of losing seasons. As far as other changes, No. 9 hitter Ronny Cedeno will hold his bat upside-down, leadoff hitter Akinori Iwamura will be told to just "stand there and hope for a walk," and first baseman Jeff Clement will forfeit his at-bats to keep the games moving.

An NCAA Tournament many called the wildest in memory, unpredictability continued right up to the Final Four with five teams qualifying for the first time in the tournament's history. NCAA Tournament selection committee chairman Dan Guerrero said the unpredictable Final Four "shows once again that the NCAA Tournament is the most exciting event in sports." But sources within the NCAA office say Guerrero will likely be fired for his role in accidentally approving a 80-team bracket that left this unwieldy five-team Final Four.

While other major sports such as the NFL and NHL are taking steps to address the serious issue of concussions, the PGA Tour has been slow to adopt protective measures — and critics have started to take notice. "Of all sports, the PGA Tour should be leading the way," said New York neurologist Michael Aziz, who has done research on the effects of concussions suffered by athletes. "The ball travels faster in the sport of golf than in any other. A golf ball can hit speeds of more than 200 mph off the driver. Yet nothing by the PGA. It's unconscionable." PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem insists that the Tour has not taken steps to protect its players because there have never been any concussions suffered during play. "We've only ever had one, but it wasn't really golf-related," he said. "That was when John Daly was drunk and walked into a tree and then fell into a pot bunker. But as long as players avoid getting hit in the face by shots, I think we'll continue to be okay."