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A still-glowing Eli Manning was pulled aside at Giants practice today and informed by head coach Tom Coughlin that it was the San Francisco Giants who won the World Series, not the New York Giants.

"I didn't want to crush him," said Coughlin, who left his quarterback in tears. "But I just couldn't let him go on thinking he won a championship. I know the Giants name was very confusing for him. He's a simple kid. But I need his focus on the New York Giants. The football Giants."

Those close to the quarterback said he was overjoyed about the Giants' win because he felt it would permanently quiet his critics thanks to having one more title on his career resume than his big brother, Peyton.

Coughlin accepted some of the blame for his quarterback's confusion about Giants.

"When he was a rookie, he was even more naive and scared than he is now, if you can believe it," said the coach. "So I helped him get braver by telling him that the guys on the team were actual giants — actual giants who would protect him and keep him safe. That's the only way I got him on the field. Apparently he still thinks all giants are the same."

San Francisco Giants ace Tim Lincecum stepped up with an epic performance in Game 5 of the World Series to clinch a championship for the Giants, but slightly messed up a planned postgame interview where he was to say he was going to Disneyland.

"Tim Lincecum, you've just won the World Series. What are you going to do now?" asked FOX's on-field reporter Ken Rosenthal.

"I'm going to Amsterdam and I'm going to get really f**king high, man!" said Lincecum. "What did you think I was gonna do, dumbass?"

A stunned Rosenthal then quickly and nervously grabbed the next Giant he saw, pitcher Barry Zito, and asked the same question: "Barry Zito, you've just won the World Series. What are you going to do now?"

"I'm going to to Amsterdam with Timmy!" said Zito. "We're smoking primo sh*t 'til spring training! Woooooooooo!"

Rosenthal then pulled Giants manager Bruce Bochy aside, who said he was also going to Amsterdam and was openly smoking a joint on the field.

"Well," said Rosenthal, tossing it back up to Joe Buck and Tim McCarver. "Euro Disney is not too far of a flight from Amsterdam. They're probably just making a quick layover. That's what they mean."

A biddy football game marred by miscues and poor execution ended today on a dramatic Hail Mary pass that fell into the arms of a receiver just beyond the goal line.

"I didn't think Bobby had the arm strength to throw it 11 yards," said Coach Minkoff. "But he really gave it everything he had and got it all the way down the field. He's got a real cannon for a little guy."

Bobby said he was excited to get the win.

"Yeah! Ice cream! I get ice cream when we win! Yeah!" he said. "I want mine with sprinkles."

The winning touchdown was the only pass completed in the entire game.

Yankees ace CC Sabathia has decided he will bypass his usual 4-minute break between meals and will try to eat on just three minutes of rest.

"It's the playoffs. My team needs me to have my strength up. So eating again it is," said Sabathia at a cafeteria-style restaurant near Times Square. "That dessert cart was calling my name anyway."

Sabathia said he would have been willing to pitch on just three days rest had manager Joe Girardi asked him, but the Yankees skipper never asked.

"I wanted to ask him, but he was eating," said Girardi. "I know not to disturb him when he's eating. I learned that the hard way already when he bit one of my fingers off."

If the Yankees make it to the World Series, Sabathia said he would happily eat on just two minutes rest.

"I'd eat constantly if I didn't have to go out to the mound to make my food money," he said.

Oregon receiver Jermichael Dyson is thought of as a deep threat who can stretch opposing defenses with his speed and his ability to jump over defenders and come down with the ball. But Ducks long-snapper Todd Kolcyzk discovered yesterday that Dyson's impressive skill set does not include the ability to take a punch to the kidneys.

"For all the hype these skill position guys get, I thought I'd see how great they really are," said Kolcyzk, who punched Dyson from behind while the receiver was on the phone. "Not that great, it turns out. When he started spitting up blood I really lost all respect for him."

Dyson said he would consider suing Kolcyzk for the assault, but decided against it "because some day I'll be rich and playing in the NFL while he'll be stuck making minimum wage working at a lumber yard or something."

The teammates also sat down together to work through their differences and came to the agreement that quarterbacks are the biggest pussies of all.

MADD President Laura Dean-Mooney released a statement yesterday calling out Jets wide receiver Braylon Edwards for his 15-yard taunting penalty following a touchdown score Sunday afternoon against New England.

"This is yet another example of professional athletes assuming they are above the rules of the NFL," read the statement. "What Mr. Edwards did is a disgrace to the millions of young fans that look up to him. His poor judgment and reckless endangerment of the Jet's chances of winning is simply unacceptable for a person of his stature."

When asked what they expect from Edwards going forward, Mooney was adamant that he pay for his mistakes.

"We expect nothing less than a full apology to his teammates and coaches, and for him to run an extra 15 wind sprints at today's practice."

Edwards could not be reached for comment, but his agent said he understands the implications of his actions and is willing to accept full responsibility for it: "My client knows the damage he's done. He feels sick to his stomach about this entire incident. Seriously, he's been getting drunk every night just to numb the pain."

Eagles head coach Andy Reid reiterated Monday that Kevin Kolb will not lose his starting job to injury.

"If Kevin Kolb is healthy, he will start for us on Sunday," said Reid at his weekly press conference. "Then Michael Vick will be promoted from backup to starting quarterback around halftime when Kevin inevitably sucks it up, definitively proving that Michael is the far superior quarterback, which is really something we all already know."

Kolb said he appreciated his coach's loyalty. "I intend to go out there and play my best," said the first-year starter. "It's my goal to not get benched until well into the third quarter."

The top media market in North America will not be sending a team to the WNBA Finals. The New York Liberty were swept out of the Eastern Conference Finals last night by the Atlanta Dream, meaning Atlanta and Seattle will meet in the WNBA Finals. But WNBA commissioner Donna Orender says she is not concerend about ratings for the Finals. "We're not really concerned about markets," said Orender, "as we don't really have traditional markets, per se. For example, in New York our fans are just Sheila and Michelle. While in Atlanta we have three fans: Claire, LaTonya and Steve."

Matt Leinart didn't go long without a job. After being released by the Arizona Cardinals on Saturday, Leinart was quickly offered a job by All-Time NFL Draft Bust Teams from every major sports media outlet and also countless blogs. "It's nice to be wanted," said Leinart. "I think I've finally found a home." Leinart was given a spot on the team ahead of JaMarcus Russell and Ryan Leaf due to the fact that the Cardinals never even trusted him to start more than a handful of games. "It's tough to lose my spot like this," said Russell. "I feel like I did everything I could possibly do. Or not do. Whichever."

Following an incident Wednesday night where Nationals center fielder Nyjer Morgan charged Marlins pitcher Chris Volstad, starting a bench-clearing brawl, MLB commissioner Bud Selig announced his intention to punish Morgan with a spanking. This occurred just one week after Morgan received a seven-game suspension for throwing a ball at a fan’s head. “He just wasn’t learning his lesson,” said Selig in a statement to the press. The spanking, expected to be administered this Saturday, will take place in Selig’s Milwaukee office. Nyjer’s bottom is scheduled to be smacked five or six times with an open hand to approximate the sensation of a paddle. “You know, this is something that no commissioner ever wants to do,” said Selig. “But as the saying goes, it’s going to hurt me more than it hurts him. I mean, what with my weak elderly wrists and his firm, muscular physique, I’ll probably be feeling it halfway into next week.” No word has been given as to whether Morgan will be allowed to keep his pants up, nor whether he’ll receive a hug five minutes later when the tears dry.