News Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Throws Ceremonial First Stone at Soccer Game
Praises were to Allah most high today when Iranian Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad threw out the ceremonial first stone at Hafezleh Stadium where the Bargh Shiraz achieved victory over the Shensa Arak.
The infidel recipient of the stone, a woman who winked at a man that was not her husband, was most grateful that her head was the target of her esteemed leader’s disdain.
“Awesome! This is just what I’ve always wanted!” she is reported to have exclaimed.
Ahmadinejad, who generally prefers to stone in private, decided to make the appearance after seeing Barack Obama throw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home opener in April.
“At least I hit my target, unlike that American heretic poopy-poop dog leader who totally missed the catcher by, like, half a mile, even though he is of a race that normally succeeds at such matters,” said Ahmadinejad at a postgame press conference.
After throwing out the stone, Ahmadinejad posed for pictures with the team captains, and later signed the Kalashnikovs of several lucky children. The stoning, which was carried out at halftime, was an encouragement to all the faithful in attendance.
News Deaf Fan Enjoys Doing the Wave
With the usual roar of the crowd well below his hearing threshold, lifelong Rockies fan Doug Mabrey really enjoyed participating in the wave during the team’s 7-3 victory over the Diamondbacks last night.
Mabrey, who lost his hearing during early infancy, has been a longtime attendee of Rockies games, but has often felt excluded from much of the fan experience. When Dinger, the team’s triceratops mascot, began the wave by running along the first base line flailing his arms, Mabrey knew it was a good opportunity for him to join in on the fun.
“It was great to stand up and wave my arms and know I was doing it right,” wrote Mabrey on a piece of scrap paper. “Who knows? Maybe next time I’ll give the Noise-O-Meter a shot.”
Wednesday’s game marked Mabrey’s best attempt at communal cheer participation since last July, when he hollered “Nets No Nockies!” slightly off rhythm from the rest of the spectators.
While Mabrey has yet to purchase any more tickets for games this season, something tells him he’ll be in attendance at Coors Field sometime soon.
“We’re in it to win it, baby!” he indicated through sign language, or so one would assume.
News Red Wings Fan Disappointed By Jonathan Franzen Reading
Brian Russell, a 41-year-old Detroit Red Wings fan, was dismayed after attending a reading/signing by novelist JonathanFranzenat the KGB Bar on Sunday night. Heads turned as Russell entered the bar twirling an octopus over his head, loudly chanting “Let’s go Wings!” among the subdued patronage.
Franzen, who was reading a passage from his forthcoming novel,Freedom, briefly paused, but continued despite the disturbance, commenting that some of his fans were “more fanatical than others.”
Russell, having never heard of the National Book Award-winning author, was at first confused, then angry, and then disappointed after realizing he wouldn’t be meeting his favorite hockey player, JohanFranzen.
“I only read two kinds of books: ones with crossword puzzles and ones I find in airplane seat pockets,” said Russell. “And apparently this impostor fruit bag writes neither. I mean, really, how many people in the world could have names that begin with Jo and end inFranzen? Six? Eight?”
Though Russell had no legitimate reason to believe JohanFranzenhad written a book, he figured it was pretty likely, as his two other favorite athletes, Gordie Howe and Muggsy Bogues, had done so in the past.
Despite the misunderstanding, Russell salvaged the evening by visiting a nearby sports bar, where he complained about the Wings’ playoff elimination and the general socioeconomic condition of Detroit to anyone who would listen.
