Filed Under » St. Louis Rams

Despite months of courtship, the St. Louis Rams informed Oklahoma quarterback Sam Bradford today that they only want to be friends.

“We’re moving in a different direction,” Rams GM Billy Devaney told Bradford in a brief, but tearful call today. “It’s not you. Really, it’s not. You’re a great quarterback. You’ll make some lucky team very happy.”

The Rams stress that they are very early in their rebuilding process and don’t want to commit to just one player – especially with the draft still weeks away.

“We’ve got the money and we’ve got the No. 1 pick,” said head coach Steve Spagnuolo. “Why settle down when we don’t have to? We don’t want to look back on this time 10 years from now when Sam’s put on a few pounds and wish we had gotten with Ndamukong Suh or Eric Berry.”

Devaney echoed his coach.

“Suh and Berry are amazing. I wish we could have them all at once, but that’s just not possible,” he said. “And let’s not forget Colt McCoy or Jimmy Clausen. They both have great bodies. And Colt has the prettiest eyes you could ever want to see.”

Bradford admits to being upset by St. Louis’ decision.

“I thought we had something, I really did,” he said. “I thought I was their No. 1. I know they still have feelings for me. I know they still want me. It’s just … I don’t know what. I think maybe they’re scared of the strong feelings they have.”

But Devaney says there were some issues with Bradford and the Rams being physically compatible.

“I know this sounds petty,” said Devaney. “But Sam simply wasn’t big enough for us. And we don’t think he can handle punishment. I’m sorry, but size does matter – no matter the position.”

Bradford plans to swallow his heartbreak and move on as best he can.

“I just came out of a three-year relationship in Oklahoma,” he said. “I don’t like being alone. I probably shouldn’t say this, but I’ll probably just go to the first team that will take me. But my heart will always be with the Rams. I know that. We had something special. Maybe one day we can be together again – through a trade or maybe free agency. That hope is what will get me through each day.”

The St Louis Rams played their hearts out against the Jacksonville Jaguars on Sunday, sending the game into overtime and losing by a field goal. Today quarterback Marc Bulger said that it was an emotional halftime speech by teammate Steven Jackson that inspired the team to “step up” and cover the daunting, yet manageable 4.5 point spread.

“At halftime, we were up 10-6 and getting ready to go back out on the field when Steven stood up and said a few words to us,” said Bulger. “He told us to while we could all sense the game slipping away from us, that we should keep fighting and make sure that, if nothing else, we cover the point spread. He told us it was only 4.5 points and that it was well within our reach, that some of our remaining and most loyal fans maybe had put money on us to cover, and that we had to do our best to have their back on their foolish decision. He was very fiery and emotional. It had an impact on me. I wanted to cover that point spread for Steven. We all did.”

Jackson ended his speech by guaranteeing the team would cover the point spread, a bold statement that lit a fire under his teammates.

“He was like ‘We WILL cover the point spread. That is a promise!’” said receiver Donnie Avery. “Then he punched the water cooler and kicked over a table and didn’t even get hurt. I tell you I was pumped. We were all screaming and yelling. Coach Spagnuolo wrote ‘4.5’ on the white board and we exited that tunnel like a pack of wild dogs. If it wasn’t for that speech we probably would have lost by at least six, and that would have made for a somber plane ride home.”

Still, Rams players admitted that they were nervous when the game went into overtime and the Jags won the coin flip, creating the possibility that Jacksonville could score a touchdown and win by six.

“While some of our fans may have bet on us to cover, I’m sure none of them bet on us to win,” said defensive end Chris Long. “We didn’t want to screw them and make being a Rams fan even worse for them.”

“We knew Jacksonville could easily break a big play against us at any moment,” said defensive end Leonard Little. “So I huddled the defense together and said, ‘Guys, this is it. Remember what Steven said. We’re on the doorstep of covering the point spread here — but let’s try not lose by more than a field goal. We can do it!’ Then I barked like a dog because it’s something I saw Ray Lewis do once. I think it may have helped.”

Jackson dedicated the point-spread covering to all the bettors who didn’t believe they could do it.

“Nobody believed in us except the people in that locker room and a few degenerates and delusional Rams fans,” said Jackson. “Nobody! But that’s fine. We like it like that. And this Sunday, we’re going for two — we’re going to cover another point spread! Who are we playing? The Colts? Oh, well maybe we’ll just shoot for keeping the game under the total points line. Our offense will do it’s part, I know that.”

Conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh submitted a formal bid today to purchase St. Louis Ram running back Steven Jackson.Officials close to the deal estimate Limbaugh’s bid at roughly $30 million.

“I’m well aware that the nattering nancies in the league office don’t want me owning an entire team, lest the poor liberals be offended that a self-made man actually decide to buy something in this country,” Limbaugh said on his radio show this morning.“Well, that’s fine with me.Because I didn’t want the team anyway.I just wanted to own a player.I wanted to own a man, whom I could treat as everyday chattel.And now, at last, I shall.”

Anonymous sources within the Rams organization are unsure as to what Limbaugh plans to do with Jackson once the deal gets final league approval.

“The word ‘gardening’ was used in the RFP, which definitely set off a few alarms,” said one official.

But Limbaugh quickly brushed aside any concerns about the legality or ethical concerns over the deal.

“Folks, they are coming after me,” said Limbaugh.“I’m sure the ACLU already has a big ol’ petition ready to go the league office over this.And you know why?Because, folks, these people are enemies of freedom.They don’t want to live in the America you or I know.They want to live in an America where hard working folks like you and me are denied the basic freedom to purchase a man and do with him as we please.That’s not part of their AGENDA.They think it’s so BADDDD.I keep telling you this.They are trying to imprison us all.”

When asked by reporters if purchasing a black man might come across as racist, Limbaugh quickly defended his actions.“I am NOT a racist.Mr. Snerdly, who is black, provides hilarious voices for my show each and every day.He’s never had a problem with anything I’ve ever said or done.Nor was he upset when I bought him and his family for $50,000 and sold his children off to a plantation owner in Georgia.Isn’t that right, Mr. Snerdly?”

After receiving permission from Limbaugh, Mr. Snerdly nodded in agreement.

“I am buying Mr. Jackson because I am a huge football fan.This has nothing to do with politics or my political leanings.I just like the idea of owning a big, strong, untamed man, and perhaps saddling him with a wooden yoke and making him carry buckets of water to and from my home as needed.”

Steven Jackson was unavailable for comment.