The beleaguered Haitian government announced plans today to redirect $1 million from its treasury to the National Hockey League, identifying the NHL's need after the league donated only $100,000 to Haitian relief efforts far short of the $1 million or more given by the other three major professional sports.
“When we learned what the NHL was able to donate, we thought, ‘Wow, times must be really tough’,” said Jalbert Riel, a spokesperson for President René Préval. “Luckily, we’ve been blessed with a wonderful outpouring of generosity from across the globe, so we thought it was time to give something back.”
The donation comes as welcome relief for the NHL, which has long suffered under the weight of a shoddy national television deal and near-constant criticism from the general public surrounding hockey’s violent nature. The recent elimination of DirecTV subscribers from its potential viewership and the continued dwindling attendance figures of its teams in the Southern United States means the donation could not come at a better time for the league.
The Haitian government does not have any preference as to how the money would be spent. Riel said that it is “really up to them. They could give it to that team in Phoenix, put it towards marketing efforts, or even use it as an incentive to hire a real commissioner. But from our perspective, the gift comes with no strings attached.”
In a brief statement, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman announced the league would be accepting the donation “begrudgingly, but with gratitude.”
The commissioner is also reportedly considering using the money to purchase Television Nationale D'Haiti (TNH) and making it the exclusive broadcast partner of the NHL.
Google, Inc. has purchased the website FireNorv.net for $1 billion, a deal that gives the internet giant control of the most-trafficked and most-established "Fire Coach" website in the world.
"Since 1994 when the Internet was first coming into broad use in homes, FireNorv.net was already there thanks to Norv Turner's 3-13 season with the Washington Redskins," read Google's statement announcing the deal. "Through the dotcom bubble and beyond, the FireNorv.net's growth has continued thanks to Norv Turner's continued failure in Washington, Oakland and San Diego. We are excited to lead this growth into the new decade and beyond."
Most industry analysts say Google got a huge bargain in the deal considering Turner's now three-decade stranglehold on coaching ineptitude at the professional level. But FireNorv.net's owner says he was happy with the $1 billion figure.
"It's never been about the money," he said. "It's always been about making sure Norv Turner never gets to coach another team. I can't believe we've been around for 16 years. When we were just a start-up, most said we wouldn't last more than a year tops. Norv was that bad."
And he still is. Yet the coach keeps getting opportunities, which is why Google doesn't see risk in making the deal now, when Turner could get fired by the Chargers.
"If the Chargers let him go, he'll probably get hired by the Bills," said industry analyst Jeremy Rogers. "FireNorv.net's business model is built as much on Norv Turner being a moron as it is on NFL general managers being morons. It's very sound."
Google will immediately plug FireNorv.net into its keyword engine, bringing the site traffic when anyone searches for keywords such as "failure", "loss", "unmitigated fking disaster", "Hindenburg", and "Is Norv really his name?".
Analysts expect Google to earn back its purchase price in the first year, especially if Turner makes another playoff performance.
The University of Central Florida has begun a $350 million plumbing overhaul on its campus that will flow fresh Gatorade through every water fountain and faucet at the school. The move was prompted by Michael Jordan's son, Marcus Jordan, who wants to drink Gatorade while playing basketball for the Knights.
"It's the least we could do for Marcus," said UCF president John C. Hitt. "We will have to cut several academic departments and hundreds of jobs to finance this Gatorade plumbing project. But we think it's worth it. This is Michael Jordan's son we're talking about. Michael Jordan! That guy was awesome."
The 6-foot-3 freshman shooting guard has already forced the school to drop a $3 million deal with adidas due to his insistence on wearing Nike. And with the adidas deal ended and the Gatorade plumbing project about to break ground, UCF is ready to take several other steps to satisfy Jordan's offspring. The dining halls will serve nothing but Ballpark Franks and McDonald's starting in the fall semester, and no underwear but Hanes underwear will be allowed on campus following spring break.
"I can't even be in the same room as Fruit Of The Loom underwear," says Marcus Jordan. "I break out into hives. Emotional hives."
UCF is hoping to finish all of the projects as quickly as possible so the young Jordan can feel comfortable and focus on his game.
"I assume he's only averaging 5.3 points per game right now because he's not surrounded by all of his father's products, right?" said President Hitt. "Soon he'll start playing all Jordan-y? Please? I really hope we're not doing all this for some kid who's no better than a walk-on. I honestly had no idea we even had a basketball team here at Central Florida until he enrolled."
Officials for the Detroit Pistons and the Palace of Auburn Hills announced today the construction of 300 brand newsqualorsuites located in the general vicinity of the Pistons home arena.
“We owe it to the fans of Detroit to field the most competitive basketball team possible,” said team GM Joe Dumars.“But we simply couldn’t do that at our current revenue levels.Our hope is that the construction of these newsqualorboxes will help us bring in more talent, and revolutionize the game viewing experience for our fans.”
A recent staple of newer arenas and stadiums,squalorboxes can help increase the average team’s revenue by 20 to 50-percent.To help pay the $100 million needed for the construction of the new boxes, the Pistons brokered a deal with Auburn Hills officials that included the issuing of municipal bonds, and a one-cent rental car tax increase.The Pistons will contribute $10 million of their own money.
“This is a fair deal for the city of Detroit,” said Auburn Hills mayor Edward “Fast Eddie” Scagdiviglio.“It keeps the Pistons here, and it helps bring economic prosperity to the area.Just wait until you see these babies.They’re awesome.”
The boxes are designed by renowned Kansas City architecture firm Populous, and will consist of a six-foot by six-foot cardboard box (“double corrugated,” notes Scagdiviglio), placed in an alleyway no more than three miles from the arena, designated the Stratus Level of the Palace.Fans will be able to follow the game by listening to radio broadcasts blaring from the numerous police cruisers speeding through the metropolitan Detroit area.Amenities of everysqualorbox include a free used Wendy’s bag with a small amount of ketchup smeared on the inside, along with a shoebox for urination and defecation.Season-long leases for the boxes will retail for $4,000.
“Our goal was, simply put, to give some of our lower tier customers the opportunity to see real NBA basketball up close, with their families, at a reasonable price," said Dumars. "And this deal accomplishes that.”
But many decry the advent ofsqualorboxes.Squalorsuite holder Jez Maroney says, “I think, for $4,000, I deserve a box that has ONLY my urine in it.They’re phasing out the REAL fans with these boxes.”Many have also decried the widespread NBA team policy that allows luxury box patrons to spit onsqualorbox patrons at their leisure.
But Dumars scoffs at those complaints.“The fans are always our number one concern.We know this is a public trust.And that’s why thesesqualorboxes and NVIP suites are so crucial to the success of our team and our city.”
Sports drink brand Powerade announced today that it is changing its name to "P", a move designed to model Gatorade, now "G", the longtime market leader in the category.
"Powerade maintains its distinctive taste," said Powerade brand manager Jeff Martin. "But from now we want customers to realize they are drinking P."
Powerade was first launched by Coca-Cola in 1988 as a competitor to PepsiCo's Gatorade. But 21 years later it still only holds 21-percent of the sports drink market to Gatorade's 77-percent. And with Gatorade's "G" campaign freshening the older brand last year, Coca-Cola felt it needed to make a similar move.
Early results have been mixed.
"I think it was a good move on their part," said one sports drink consumer who was offered a free sample at his gym, but declined. "I never really verbalized it, but I always thought as Powerade as pee. Now it is officially."
A fellow gym patron agreed.
"I took a sample, well a sip. My friend dared me. I'm into MMA and I heard about that one UFC guy who drinks his own urine so I thought 'hey, why not?'" he said. "It was exactly what I expected when they gave be a bottle marked P. I just wonder whose it was."
Beverage marketing experts and media have ripped the move, hailing it "another misstep by the Powerade brand," "perhaps the worst marketing decision in the history of marketing," and "I think I'm going to be sick," among the more favorable reviews.
Yet Coca-Cola is pushing through with the re-branding and is in a heavy ad rotation with it's "What's P?" spot featuring former major league baseball All-Star Moises Alou and UFC light heavyweight Lyoto Machida.
"We expected some initial confusion over the new name," said Martin, Powerade brand manager. "That's typical. Gatorade had it with G, as well. But eventually customers will realize they are drinking the same delicious beverage enhanced with natural flavors. It's P."
Also today, PepsiCo announced it is dropping its G re-naming and official changing its sports drink back to "Gatorade."
"Yeah, that was just a ploy all along to get Coke to call Powerade 'P' and they finally came through," said Gatorade brand manager Scott Ross. "They're so stupid."
Kumi Mikoto, a 16-year-old geisha working assigned to the luxury suite level of the new Yankee Stadium, expressed deep regret on Tuesday that she did not laugh at the joke told by investment banking titan Don Kirschenbaum, her 54-year-old, thrice-divorced client.
“I did not realize he was making a joke until it was much too late,” she told reporters.“I suppose I could blame that on the weakness of the joke, but my job as a geisha is to provide hospitality for my clients during any game here at Yankee Stadium.It’s my job to be good company, which means laughing anytime my client says President Obama won’t rest until we’re all eating each other’s livers in the gutter.”
Mikoto has trained to be a luxury box geisha since she was five years old, sent away by her parents to Steinbrenner Geisha School in Sanibel, Florida, to master the basics of modern day baseball geishaing, which include: singing, dancing, playing of the lute, tea service, fetching and falling in love with clients even though it’s against geisha code, and even though you know damn well they don’t look upon you as they would a real woman.
“Mr. Kirschenbaum is a very good client,” insists Mikoto.“He’s very polite, and he’s only asked for oral sex once, which shows incredible restraint.I do not think he is in love with his wife.Sometimes, I picture us running away under a waterfall together.But I know it is not to be.Regardless, I should have laughed at that joke.I laughed in the fourth inning last night when he called Vlad Guerrero a f—king f-g, and I should have anticipated more jokes in that vein.”
Mikoto then gently cut herself with a letter opener.“I’m so stupid!SO STUPID AND NAÏVE!”
When asked if he would forgive Mikoto’s transgression, Kirschenbaum said, “What?The Jap chick?Sure.So long as she finally lets me slip her a grand to let me poke her.She’s got an ass like a newborn, that one.You just wanna give it a smack.I got some serious yellow fever for that goosha.”
The Denver Broncos sported throwback jerseys from their inaugural season in 1960. Their opponent, the New England Patriots, also wore old uniforms from their AFL days. Even the officials and team media personnel were in period garb. Yet the cost of things at Invesco Field did not hearken back to the old days. In fact, they seemed to come from some futuristic, hopeless world in which hyper-inflation had spiraled out of control.
"I paid $9.25 for one beer," said Broncos fan Jack Whitelock. "My dad says you could get season tickets for the upper deck for that much back in 1960."
"Worst attempt at recreating history I have ever seen," said Broncos fan Roger Wiltmore. "Colonial Williamsburg kicks this game's ass. I don't recall Jay-Z being played during timeouts in 1960. Nor do I recall there being nachos in 1960. Nor do I recall paying $6.75 for said nachos. My granddaughter in third grade did a diorama of the signing of the Declaration of Independence that was more accurate than what I just saw."
While fans were disappointed at having to pay $62.50 for tickets to see a single game, in addition to $10 for parking "My entire monthly car payment was $10 back in 1960," said one enraged fan the players were also upset about their role in the festivities.
"This has to be the No. 1 priority in our next collective bargaining agreement," said wide receiver Brandon Marshall. "No more making us dress up like clowns so the NFL can make money off of it. We have to take pride in ourselves as a union. We have to take pride in ourselves as humans. We have to maintain our dignity."
Broncos linebacker Elvis Dumervil says that if the league is going to have throwback games, they should go all in.
"Let's play with the old-time rules, too," says Dumervil. "You should have seen how the refs were protecting Tom Brady like he's some delicate little flower. Nah. Let me punch him in the throat five seconds after he throws a pass. That's how they used to do it back in the day."
But NFL commissioner Roger Goodell says the throwback days are not created to make money on additional jersey revenue. He says they are designed to honor NFL players of the past and keep their memory alive.
"Bull crap," said 1960 Broncos lineman Eddie Holcutt. "I couldn't afford a ticket to get into the stadium. And then some guy outside was charging $125 for my own throwback jersey. My own jersey! If Goodell was commissioner back in 1960, more than his hair would be red. We'd make sure his whole face was covered in blood."
After selling more than 30,000 “Party Passes” for $29 to help set the NFL’s single-game attendance record on opening night, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones announced today that the team will now offer special $20 home passes to anyone who would like to attend a game at Cowboys Stadium while sitting at home.
“This stadium represents the next generation of sports entertainment complexes,” said Jones in a radio interview.“We know there’s a real buzz about this place across the Dallas area now, so we want as many people to be able to enjoy this new facility as possible.Even if they can’t afford a premium seat, or even a Party Pass.This $20 price point is a great way to come visit Cowboys Stadium by looking at it on television.”
Customers living in Dallas who purchase the home passes will be able to watch the entire stadium at home via a special relay signal from their local FOX affiliate, and will be able to walk the stadium grounds by watching a FOX camera crew walk the stadium grounds.“That way,” explained Jones, “you’re as close to the action as possible.You’re gonna see the natural light coming in from the sides, the steel trusses… everything.We’re gonna give you your money’s worth, that’s for damn sure.”
But the passes do come with certain restrictions.Customers parking at the Cowboys Stadium lot to go watch the game at home will pay a separate $75 fee.Customers who purchase the home passes will also not be allowed to access any of the stadiums concierge-level stadium clubs, bathrooms, or concession stands.Nor are they allowed into the stadium itself.
For an extra $10, customers who purchase the home passes can also get a special Video Board Pass, that allows them to watch the entire game on the Stadium’s now legendary video board via their home television.
“Oh, it’s incredible,” said Video Board Pass test customer Mary Lynch.“You would not believe how big this screen was.And it was so clear!It’s not like watching the game on a regular television thru a regular television.You have to see it in person on television to understand.”
And for a flat $500 fee, customers can also elect to subscribe to Jones’ new Cowboys Stadium Network cable channel, which runs a live feed of the outside of the stadium 24 hours a day.
Subscriber David Hammond was impressed.“I’ll be damned if Jerry didn’t pull it off,” he said.“Look at that thing.It is gorgeous.And only $500 for a whole year for a season pass?Not a bad price for a working class guy like me.”
“We really wanted to take the fan experience to the next level, “ says Jones.“What you’re seeing here is the perfect blend of stadium and technology.We have to give people more of a reason to come to the games now, even if they don’t want to physically do so.These home passes are the perfect solution.”
Yes, Serena Williams just signed an endorsement contract with Tampax Tampons.
Here's the first ad of the campaign. Well, it's a draft. But I think it's effective.
Because I am terrified.
In fact, I am going to buy some Tampax tampons right now and I don't even have a vagina.