Filed Under » sports business

The NFL Players Association announced today that if a resolution on a new collective bargaining agreement is not reached soon, the players may take steps towards playing the 2011 season with replacement owners.

"There are a lot of old, rich, white men out there who would happily step in and serve as an owner for a few months or however long they're needed," said NFLPA chief DeMaurice Smith. "Replacement owners might not be able to be greedy and sit there in a luxury box watching the players play football at the same level as the current owners, but I'm sure the fans wouldn't notice much of a difference in the on-field product they tune in every week to see."

The announcement has caused panic among current NFL ownership, who had never considered that the players could use replacement owners, just as the owners used replacement players during the 1987 labor impasse. The NFLPA's proposal has received strong public support.

"Oh, crap," said Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie. "Sometimes we owners forget that absolutely no one comes to a stadium or turns on a game to watch us own. We might be screwed here. This new NFLPA guy isn't nearly as incompetent as past ones they've had."

In the midst of another surprising NCAA Tournament run, the Butler Bulldogs have informed local officials that they are exploring a move to a larger market that can raise the team's profile and merchandising opportunities.

"Sports at this level are a business," said Butler athletic director Barry Collier. "And we have to make the best business decision for our team. We have established ourselves as a premier program and bigger markets have come calling. We're hot right now. It's not the time to sit still."

Butler is currently located in Indiana, seven miles from Indianapolis — a mid-sized city in the Midwest — but is now weighing offers from New York, Los Angeles, Chicago and Miami, among other locations.

"I love it here," said Butler head coach Brad Stevens. "But imagine the media coverage we'd get having this success in New York. Not to mention what they could pay me there. I know it would definitely be enough to keep me at Butler for a long time."

Tennessee Titans quarterback Vince Young says he has all but run out of the money he had socked away for the NFL lockout, admitting he might be open to taking whatever deal the NFL owners currently have on the table.

"Hey, they win," said Young. "I can't wait this out any longer. I am almost out of money. I saved up, but this has drawn on too long. I need to get paid again."

Young says he hasn't been paid in "almost two weeks," but seemed completely unaware that the lockout has not started yet and can't until March 4th at the earliest when the current collective bargaining agreement expires.

Titans general manager Mike Reinfeldt confirmed that while the team plans to trade or release Young, the quarterback still has been receiving his paycheck via direct deposit into his checking account every two weeks.

"I don't really think this has anything to do with the lockout," said Reinfeldt. "Vince usually comes to me every two weeks and says he needs cash. Unfortunately, he's not the only player who's almost out of money."

Running back Chris Johnson has reportedly been trading his extra jet skis for food, while wide receiver Marc Mariani has been trying to rent himself out around Nashville to catch footballs at birthday parties, car dealerships and charity car washes.

In the waning minutes of Super Bowl XLV, with the Green Bay Packers precariously clinging to a 3-point lead over the Steelers in an exciting game, the two teams took off their helmets, picked up picket signs and went on strike.

The players circled the field with picket signs that read "More Work? Less Pay? No Way!", "On Strike: An 18-Game Season Is The Reason," and "@NFLcommish Sucks. SMDH."

Only after a panicked commissioner Roger Goodell and the NFL owners caved in to almost every one of their demands did the Steelers and Packers return to the field, where the Packers wrapped up a six-point victory.

Financial documents from five major league teams were leaked on Sunday and Monday, revealing that many teams' operating revenue expenditures are outgaining their expected debt disclosures or something. Who really cares.

"I think we can take one clear message from this," said Mark Hunt, an accountant who reviewed the Pittsburgh Pirates' financials. "And that's that the team's ticket revenues have, month-to-month, capped deferred payment residuals … ", he continued, blabbing on about some of the most boring shit ever.

Fans of the five teams whose financial documents were relased — the Pirates, Marlins, Rays, Mariners and Angels — have become outraged over the reports. Thousands of fans at last night's Pirates game gathered outside the stadium before the game started to chant "Who The F—k Cares!" and "We're So Bored By This We Could Die!" While Angels fans chanted "Financials Suck! Financials Suck!" and held signs depicting themselves napping or drooling.

Major Legue Baseball is attempting to find the source of the leaked documents, which are not intended to be made public.

"This is a serious matter," said a league office source. "We are constantly fighting the perception that baseball is boring. Now to have financial documents thrown into it … well, this could obviously be much worse for the sport than all of the steroids scandals combined. It's just hard to get motivated to go find who did it. I feel so drousy since the reports came out."

While the financial reports seemed to suggest that the Florida Marlins have made significant profits if you were somehow able to read that far into the reports without wanting to kill yourself, team president David Samson insisted the fans will see the benefits of those profits.

"We are committed to never having these sort of documents made public again," he said. "That is a promise to our fans. We will use those profits to beef up security so fans never have to be as bored as they are today."