Filed Under » sports business

Saying in a press release that “athletes deserve better than the imperfect product they’re using,” Nike announced today that they are rolling out a line of ACLs, making the company the first to capitalize on the 7 billion-plus ACL market.

“Each day, athletes around the world are done in by their current ACLs failing on them,” said Nike president and CEO Mike Parker. “That’s not good enough. People don’t play sports in bare feet anymore and they shouldn’t compete with the ACLs they get at birth either. Soon the best athletes will have Nike swooshes on their shoes and inside their knees.”

Using a patented, synthetic material that the company claims is “more durable and impossible to tear,” NikeCLs, as the product is named, are already being sold in Foot Locker and Dick’s Sporting Goods stores across the nation. Consumers will pick out Nike Swoosh-emblazoned ACL replacement in the color they desire and then a store employee will slice open their knee, cut out the existing ACL and install the NikeCL.

“We suspect that there will be some initial trepidation about having a major surgery done on your knee by, say, a 19 year-old Foot Locker employee who may or may not be attending community college,” said Parker. “But we promise that all surgeries will be done by staff members who have seen a 15-minute training video. There is nothing to worry about.”

The sports apparel company Under Armour announced that it is releasing a collection of “prom performance attire” this coming spring.

The collection includes six tight-fitting, breathable gowns designed for athletic females — a demographic, according to the company, that believes competition and elegance should coexist.

The dresses were unveiled Wednesday morning at a press conference, where six heavily muscled women sported the dresses and stood in traditional prom poses, their fibrous arms holding punching bags instead of dates. The women stood under a sign that read, THIS YEAR, PROMINATE YOUR DATE, and proceeded to demonstrate a cardio-intense interpretation of a slow dance that culminated with the women body slamming tuxedoed mannequins through fluorescent lamps.

Adidas today announced a unique design approach to college football uniforms, vowing the company will seek to differentiate itself from its competitors with uniform styles that “don’t look like crap” or make fans “want to pluck out their eyes and throw them in a sewer.”

“The Nike Pro Combat series and the Under Armour Maryland uniforms have been getting a lot of attention,” said Adidas America president Patrik Nilsson. “So we held a meeting on how to counter them. After a while, one young designer raised his hand and said: ‘Oooh! I know! Why don’t we make uniforms that don’t look like shit?’”

Adidas decided to give the idea a chance and took it to several focus groups.

“Overwhelmingly, we found that people prefer uniforms that look ‘nice’, ‘cool’ and ‘classic’ over those they feel are ‘designed by Satan’, ‘appear as though a cat vomited on it’ and ‘makes you wonder if the designer went to a rival school and is playing a prank on the team that he hates’,” said Nilsson. “It was really eye-opening.”

The NFL Players Association announced today that if a resolution on a new collective bargaining agreement is not reached soon, the players may take steps towards playing the 2011 season with replacement owners.

“There are a lot of old, rich, white men out there who would happily step in and serve as an owner for a few months or however long they’re needed,” said NFLPA chief DeMaurice Smith. “Replacement owners might not be able to be greedy and sit there in a luxury box watching the players play football at the same level as the current owners, but I’m sure the fans wouldn’t notice much of a difference in the on-field product they tune in every week to see.”

The announcement has caused panic among current NFL ownership, who had never considered that the players could use replacement owners, just as the owners used replacement players during the 1987 labor impasse. The NFLPA’s proposal has received strong public support.

“Oh, crap,” said Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie. “Sometimes we owners forget that absolutely no one comes to a stadium or turns on a game to watch us own. We might be screwed here. This new NFLPA guy isn’t nearly as incompetent as past ones they’ve had.”

In the midst of another surprising NCAA Tournament run, the Butler Bulldogs have informed local officials that they are exploring a move to a larger market that can raise the team’s profile and merchandising opportunities.

“Sports at this level are a business,” said Butler athletic director Barry Collier. “And we have to make the best business decision for our team. We have established ourselves as a premier program and bigger markets have come calling. We’re hot right now. It’s not the time to sit still.”

Butler is currently located in Indiana, seven miles from Indianapolis — a mid-sized city in the Midwest — but is now weighing offers from New York, Los Angeles, Chicago and Miami, among other locations.

“I love it here,” said Butler head coach Brad Stevens. “But imagine the media coverage we’d get having this success in New York. Not to mention what they could pay me there. I know it would definitely be enough to keep me at Butler for a long time.”

Tennessee Titans quarterback Vince Young says he has all but run out of the money he had socked away for the NFL lockout, admitting he might be open to taking whatever deal the NFL owners currently have on the table.

“Hey, they win,” said Young. “I can’t wait this out any longer. I am almost out of money. I saved up, but this has drawn on too long. I need to get paid again.”

Young says he hasn’t been paid in “almost two weeks,” but seemed completely unaware that the lockout has not started yet and can’t until March 4th at the earliest when the current collective bargaining agreement expires.

Titans general manager Mike Reinfeldt confirmed that while the team plans to trade or release Young, the quarterback still has been receiving his paycheck via direct deposit into his checking account every two weeks.

“I don’t really think this has anything to do with the lockout,” said Reinfeldt. “Vince usually comes to me every two weeks and says he needs cash. Unfortunately, he’s not the only player who’s almost out of money.”

Running back Chris Johnson has reportedly been trading his extra jet skis for food, while wide receiver Marc Mariani has been trying to rent himself out around Nashville to catch footballs at birthday parties, car dealerships and charity car washes.

In the waning minutes of Super Bowl XLV, with the Green Bay Packers precariously clinging to a 3-point lead over the Steelers in an exciting game, the two teams took off their helmets, picked up picket signs and went on strike.

The players circled the field with picket signs that read “More Work? Less Pay? No Way!”, “On Strike: An 18-Game Season Is The Reason,” and “@NFLcommish Sucks. SMDH.”

Only after a panicked commissioner Roger Goodell and the NFL owners caved in to almost every one of their demands did the Steelers and Packers return to the field, where the Packers wrapped up a six-point victory.