Filed Under » Soccer

The infidel recipient of the stone, a woman who winked at a man that was not her husband, was most grateful that her head was the target of her esteemed leader’s disdain.

“Awesome! This is just what I’ve always wanted!” she is reported to have exclaimed.

Ahmadinejad, who generally prefers to stone in private, decided to make the appearance after seeing Barack Obama throw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home opener in April.

“At least I hit my target, unlike that American heretic poopy-poop dog leader who totally missed the catcher by, like, half a mile, even though he is of a race that normally succeeds at such matters,” said Ahmadinejad at a postgame press conference.

After throwing out the stone, Ahmadinejad posed for pictures with the team captains, and later signed the Kalashnikovs of several lucky children. The stoning, which was carried out at halftime, was an encouragement to all the faithful in attendance.

Lifelong lazy slob Richard Young of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, passed away today at 58 years of age after suffering a major heart attack. But doctors were able to add an additional 40 years of stoppage time to his life due to his sedentary lifestyle.

"The clock always stays running for everyone, but the truly lazy are so inactive that we often have to add time for them so they're able to experience all of the things in life that a more active, less slothful person does," said Milwaukee General Hospital spokesman James Hoffman. "Usually it's just a few years, but this guy was an unbelievably lazy pig. He more or less hadn't been off his couch since the early '70s."

Young's wife, Wanda, says she has mixed feelings about the added stoppage time.

"Well, if it's going to just be more of the same — nothing happening, him diving onto the couch and laying there like he's dead — I'm not sure I really want to see it," she admitted. "But maybe, now that he knows what's left on the clock, he'll pick up the pace and be what I know he can be and who I fell in love with years ago."

Young insists he'll make the most of it.

"The great thing is that so many different TV shows are on DVD and online now," he said. "You can rent an old show and eat up the better part of a month watching it. That's probably how I'll spend the extra 40 years — with some eating, napping and passing gas mixed in, of course. I still dream of the perfect fart. And now I can achieve it."

1. The vuvuzela was invented by African hunters in the 1100s. Instead of tracking and killing lions, they found it much easier to blow the vuvuzela and annoy the animals into suicide.

2. While today's vuvuzelas are made of plastic, the horns were originally carved from the femur of a goat. The goats were traditionally slaughtered in the stands during games because their screaming mixed nicely with the sound of the vuvuzela.

3. Outside of their use at sporting events, vuvuzelas today are most often used by fraternity members at African universities as beer bongs. In fact, when a Bro is Iced in Africa, he must drink the Smirnoff Ice through a vuvuzela. It's Bros Vuv'ing Bros.

4. Johannesburg's Vuvuzela Orchestra is considered the world's premier vuvuzela symphony orchestra. Here is the JVO's most recent performance of Beethoven's Ninth:

5. Rock concerts reach 115 decibels. Human pain begins at 125 decibels. The sound from a vuvuzela hits 127 decibels. Many theologians believe hell is the state of being at a Nickelback concert during an eternal vuvuzela solo.

6. By placing a cork in the mouthpiece of the vuvuzela, it becomes a perfect vessel for the collection of your ear blood.

Manner soccer neophytes believe the beautiful game only has Red and Yellow cards. Not true. There are actually many different cards that referees can show for any number of warnings and infractions.

Here they are.

The United Nations showed the rogue state of North Korea a red card today, the harshest penalty recognized by the international community.

"I think we made our point," said UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon, who personally held up a red card in the direction of the nation while sailing by on a French vessel. "Kim Jong-il thought he could get away with it. He thought he could bring the region to the brink of war. But, no. He has been shown a red card. I think we can consider the matter resolved."

The North Korean leader must now decide his response to being shown a red card. UN officials hope — and expect — that he will immediately end his nation's nuclear program and open up North Korea to the modern world.

"It's a red card, after all," said Ban Ki-moon. "The most damning of all cards. We laminated it and everything. Plus, when I produced it, I held it up very high over my head and made sure my face looked quite resolute. I don't see how anyone could ignore such a message."

Nevertheless, it seems the message of the red card has been ignored as North Korea conducted another missile test this morning. Kim Jong-il also sent the UN his own card.

"It's a brown card," said a source. "It appears he just took a dump in an envelope."

"Dammit!" said Ban Ki-moon. "I don't know what else can be done. I fear this madman will take over the entire world. Maybe he'll stop if we blow a whistle at him."